A heavy heart.

1/18/2009

15 Comments

 

My heart has been very heavy these last few days.  I received bad news with my last blood test.  My tumor markers have risen again, and some other blood work came back indicating that there may be some organ (either heart, lung, or liver) damage.  I will be having a Pet-CT scan on Thursday 1-22-09 to see what is going on.  We also have Bekah's district spelling Bee that night (she took second place in the school spelling Bee, Yeah Bekah!!!!)  Blake also has a church basketball game that night.  I hope I don't feel too worn out or sick so I can support my great kids.
     I am still struggling emotionally.  I fear greatly that my time on the Earth is growing shorter and shorter.  I have just been so tired lately, and my pain has increased.  I plead with Heavenly Father several times daily that my life will be prolonged, that I will still be able to be here on Earth, to  be a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend a little longer.  I still hope for a miracle, that maybe some chemo drug will knock the cancer into remission or even just shrink the tumors. 
    My faith wavers as these prayers have not been answered.  I know I need to align my will with with that of my Heavenly Father, but it sure would be a lot easier if His will was exactly what I wanted.  It is difficult to put faith in my Heavenly Father that everything will work out okay if I pass away from cancer. I worry about my dear husband and children.  My heart breaks every time I think of leaving them.  I can't hardly bear the thought.  I try to take comfort that they are mine forever, but I want to be with them today, tomorrow and always.  I want to grow old with the love of my life.  I always wanted to have a 6th child.  I never wanted to be done at 5 children.  I miss teaching piano lessons, and serving others.  I appreciate the service that is given me, but wish that I could be the one serving.    Dan & I have always talked about that we wanted to serve a mission together once our children were grown.  All these hopes and wishes and dreams are ones that are never going to come true.  I can only hope and try to have faith that I will still have purpose, either in this life or the one beyond.  I know the Lord can heal us from our illness and afflictions, as long as we are not appointed unto death.  I am beginning to feel that I am indeed appointed unto death.  This is a hard thing for me to come to terms with.
    My heart is breaking even more tonight because Tyson's, my brother in law, father passed away from brain cancer this evening.  A part of me is glad that his father is no longer suffering, and that he is in a better place with loved ones who have passed away before.  However, a large part of me grieves for the family and friends left behind.  I dread the day that I cause sorrow like this.  We all need to remember that this life is but just a small moment, and that after our earthly mission is over, we will be together with our loved ones in joy forever.  Easier said than done, believe me.  But I am so grateful that I have this knowledge, otherwise there is no way I would be able to get through the days of sadness, grief, and physical suffering. 
   I apologize once again to my blog readers for another downer post.  If I keep on being so down, you may all stop reading.  I hope to have a good week with fun and happy things to post.

Here are a couple of cute photos to make up for the downer posts.  I thought everyone would get a laugh out of the pictures of my sister wearing my wig. One day she came over to help, and just for fun she tried on my different wigs.  We laughed so hard, and I thought you all would get a kick out of seeing my sister Heather "Wiggin Out".  She looks great, huh!!

I took this picture Christmas morning.  The world is so beautiful when it is covered with a pristine layer of white snow.  I so enjoy the beauty of the seasons.

Here are a couple more cute pictures from Disney Land.  One day I will get a lot more photos put up on the photos page.  My eyes get tired and my head hurts when I spend too much time on the computer.

My cute 2 little boys, Caleb and Ammon, who always bring me such joy and can always make me smile!

15 Comments
Carol Pyle
1/19/2009 01:05:03 am

Dear Amber,
My heart breaks to read your blog but I KNOW Heavenly Father listens. Bless you my dear friend. Thank you for always being REAL. I am struggling with "stuff" right now and it's okay. Real life is hard. Thankfully we have knowledge and testimony that helps us through. You are my hero!
Love, Carol

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Susan Paprocki
1/19/2009 03:59:05 am

Dearest Amber:

I have been following your journey for awhile. I live in Illinois. My heart too breaks to read your words and the sadness your are feeling. How desperately I wish I could offer you some encouragement or some words of wisdom.

You are feeling that you are slipping and you are so sad that you cannot continue the great work you have begun. I know you are so tired and even the blog may be too much for you. I am wondering if you could have the strength to do a video for each child, tailoring it to their needs and telling them what your hopes and dreams are for them and what your best memory is of each. Perhaps recalling the moment you gave birth and what you saw and felt and dreamt for each.

My mother and dad died and I so would love to have this, even though I know they loved me.

I still have so much hope that you will get what you need...health back...and yet I feel so much love bottled up in you, that I wonder if this could help you to have some peace.

Ever since I got breast cancer, I have insomnia at night. I awake, not for long, but I do and I pray for you and for other women who are going through what you are going through. I say, "God, this is for Amber," and then I pray. I wish I could do more.
Peace be with you,
Susan

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Kristen
1/19/2009 04:01:48 am

Amber, I can hardly see to type because of my tears. I wish a thousand different things for you and your sweet family right now.
As one who has a Mother on the other side I can't imagine WHY somedays, but I do trust the Lord has a plan. I have felt her help and encouragement many times. Ben says to remember there are things she can do now to help us she could never ever do before. (Sorry if this gets a little personal) She promised my sisters and I she would be there to rock our babies. I testify there were nights I know she rocked my twins. When I couldn't do anymore, and nights she gave me the courage to keep going.
I love you Amber

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Janice
1/19/2009 10:28:33 am

Amber, I have read your blog for many months. You may not feel this way, but you are a courageous daughter of God. Our Heavenly Father is mindful of you and your family. I have a testimony that we grieve for many reasons. It is one of the strongest emotions that brings us close to our Heavenly Father.
Even though you believe in life after this one (as do I), you have much to grieve over. This is not what you planned. This is not what you expected for yourself or your family. Those dreams, hopes and expectations do not leave easily.
Cancer is a terrible disease. The physical burdens are hard enough to deal with, let alone what it does to your emotions. I wish I had some way to make things better for you and your family. Please know that your blog has touched many people lives and help make their journey easier to bear. Just by knowing that you have made it this far and fought so hard and have done the best that you can gives strength to others. I always appreciate your honesty and openess in your messages.
I would encourage you to get a blessing if you have not had one lately. Also, somethng that helped me is an artice that I read. If you read the message from 11/04/2008 from "Music and the Spoken Word" from the LDS website ("Unexpected Blessings") there is a link to another article by Tony Snow. He was President Bush's press secretary who battled colon cancer. He gave an amazing interview to "Christianity Today" called "Cancer's Unexpected Blessing". He has great insight into illness and grief and the struggle through cancer. I took strength from his words and perhaps they may help you too.
Please know that many many people are praying for you to be healed. Even though we have never met, I feel as though you are a kindred spirit. I send my love and most positive thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Love, Janice

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Kim
1/20/2009 12:36:00 am

Amber
I have no words other than that we love you, and will continue to pray for miracles. I do not understand the Lord's will, but I do know that someday we will understand, and be completely satisfied. We live with that faith everyday. You are truly amazing, and we will never stop reading, no matter what you say or how you feel. We love you!

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Michele Southwick
1/20/2009 05:38:33 am

Amber,
I read your blog yesterday and have not been able to stop thinking about you. I pray for you often and always hope the best for you and your sweet family. There were a couple of thoughts that I woke up with this morning, that I cannot seem to get off of my mind. So for whatever it is worth, I will share them with you. I have a dear friend who carried her first baby to full term and then found that the baby had died. She delivered that baby and has always known that he was a big part of their family, just from the other side. Many years later another son was struggling on his mission. She was worried about him and was pouring out her heart to Heavenly Father. She felt inspired to ask that her son on the other side of the veil help the son on his mission. To make a long story short, later her son on the mission told her that he felt his brother near, and knew that he was there to help him. She as his mother could not be in another country to help her son, but she was blessed to have someone who could minister to him from the other side and be where she could not at that time. I have often felt such sorrow for those who have lost close loved ones. This helped me find a little solace in realizing what a blessing it could be to have a loved one on the other side to do things for us that we cannot do for ourselves. This gospel is all about family, we know that. If it is indeed Heavenly Fathers will that you continue to serve from the other side, you will continue to be the most amazing mother and wife that you have always been, just in a different way. You are the most amazing person I have ever known and have already touched more lives than most of us will in a lifetime. Thank you! I wish with all of my heart that things could turn out exactly as you have always dreamed, those were merely the righteous desires of your heart. I will continue to plead with Heavenly Father that He will send you peace and understanding and many miracles!!

Love,
Michele

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Vita Jankowski link
1/20/2009 09:38:21 pm

Dear Amber-

Although we have never met and I don't have breast cancer I found your blog last year through the Breast Cancer org website after a scare that would change my life.
I think of you often, check your blog often and don't think I have ever met a women as courageous and loved as you. Although you write with a heavy heart we here can feel your pain. You are my hero. You have helped so many people by blogging your journey through this dreadful disease. There are people in this world who are more aware of IBC because of YOU.
I will continue to pray for the miracle and for your strengh to continue on in this fight. Your family needs you and loves you so much.
Godspeed to you
Vita Jankowski
New Jersey

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Heather
1/21/2009 03:22:56 am

I always love to read your blog, it really puts things back into perspective for me. I hate that you are going through this and wish everyday that you weren't but I also realize that out of all of us, you are the best one to give inspiration, hope, love, and encouragement in such a horrible situation. No one else I know would do all that you have done through this battle. Who has an aunt that would make Halloween bags for all of her nieces and nephews when she is sick? Or someone who would arrange a fun Halloween chocolate making activity? I would be dead and gone by now because I am no where near as strong as you. You are still always thinking of others and are such a good loving and patient mother and wife. I really don't know how you do it all. No one can really understand it except for those sharing your trial as the friend you met. That is so wonderful. I hope you know how much I love you and that I am thinking of you always. We are so lucky to have such a close and wonderful family. This closeness will not cease when you are gone and your family will some how be taken care of. Be at peace and I truly believe that you will be with is on the other side.

Love, Heather

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Monica
1/21/2009 06:27:40 am

Hi Amber,
I have been reading your blog ever since I first heard about you from the Perry City 5k.
I just wanted to say hello and let you know that you and your lovely family are in my prayers often. I ache for you and all you are going through physically and emotionally.

Love and hugs,
Monica

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Sharon Fairbourn
1/21/2009 10:25:53 am

Dear Amber,
I wish that I could take your place. You are an amazing daughter of God and I am so lucky to know you. You are in our thoughts and prayers. When I was pregnant with the twins and only thirty one weeks along, we were told that something was wrong with Brady. He had stopped growing, infact he had started to go the opposite way, whatever that means. We watched them for as long as we could but it got to a point where we had to take them. He had stopped moving as much and at times I couldn't even feel him move. I spent many sleepless nights, and many long drives in the car on our way to have an ultrasound or be hooked up to monitor to check and see if he was still okay, pleading with the Lord to let me keep him. Before I went in for the surgery I prayed that if it was his will, to please let Brady live and then I said if you need to take him, that's okay, but you have promise to carry me because I don't think I can handle it if he dies. Both twins lived and eventually came home from the hospital. The point of this whole story is... I had faith the Lord could heal him and that he would live, if that was His will. It took greater Faith more than I think I had to let him go. I think it's harder and takes greater Faith to put things totally in Heavenly Father's hands and trust in his plan. I hope this story doesn't come across the wrong way. You have more Faith than I probably ever will. I have grown and my testimony of the Saviour has grown just from hearing you bear yours. I believe in Miracles and I beleive in our Heavenly Father's plan. I wish so much I could take you place. Although I would not handle it near as well as you.
Love, Sharon

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Angie
1/21/2009 11:27:26 am

Amber-
I have read your posts on BC.org and then came to read your blog. I am also a young mother fighting this horrible monster. It's the worst feeling knowing that we might leave our kids motherless. I stuggle with it everyday. Even though knowing our after life will be glorious, it's of little comfort thinking of the pain that our family and friends will go through. Ever since I found your blog I have been praying for you and your family. You will continue to be in my prayers.

Take Care,
Angie

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