Big, BALD, and Beautiful

    I am big.  I am bald.  I sure don't feel beautiful, though.........
I was listening to my ipod while I was at chemo on Tuesday.  I have the soundtrack to Hairspray on it.  I was laughing inside when I heard the song that Queen Latifah sings on it called "Big, Blond, and Beautiful"  I thought that sounds just like me, except I am big BALD and beautiful. 
       Because of the steroids I have been on to prevent brain swelling from the tumor and brain radiation, I have gained 23 pounds in 3 weeks.  That is so depressing.  I took my last dose of steroids yesterday, so I hope that I stop gaining weight, and the weight I gained goes away quickly.  What is even more depressing is that I have gained that weight, and I haven't even been eating very much because I feel so crappy from the chemo.  You would think that if I have to go through all of these cancer treatments and be sick, at least I would loose weight.  Oh well. 
      I didn't want to be bald for my 30th birthday, so I prayed that my hair would last until then.  I trimmed my hair really short when it started falling out like crazy on Sept. 3rd.  The last few days I just put gel in my hair, and lots of hairspray so my hair was all stuck together.  Otherwise I was shedding hair EVERYWHERE.  SO messy.  I had to wear a soft knit cap when I slept because so much hair fell out while I slept.  Poor Dan kept on getting hair in his mouth at night.
    So, Monday in the middle of the night, I couldn't sleep.  I had taken a shower before bed, and when I washed my hair, I tried to rinse the shampoo out, and my hair just kept falling out, and falling out, and falling out.  I didn't want to shave my head ON my actual birthday (too traumatic).  So I went to bed, but couldn't go to sleep.  I finally got out of bed about 3:00 in the morning, and decided I was just going to shave my head.  But when I got out of bed, I tripped and fell and woke Dan up.  He helped me shave my head, and when I looked in the mirror and started to bawl, he just held me and cried with me.  This time loosing my hair has been a lot more traumatic. 
    Here are the kids responses to my "NEW NO-HAIR-DO"
Blake:  He just rubbed my head and said, FUZZY.
Bekah and Abby just gave me a big hug, and both told me they still thought I was pretty.
Caleb:  Mom, with your hair like that, you look just like Daddy's twin, and it is SO cool.
Ammon:  When I took my turban off and showed him my bald head for the first time (He was too young to remember about me being bald a year ago) he said "On Mom, put it on Mom."  and took the turban from me and tried to put it back on me.  I tried to have him rub my fuzzy head, (because he really likes rubbing Daddy's fuzzy head).  But Ammon won't even touch mine.  I think he will get used to it. 
   I will be brave and post a bald picture of me later, I just haven't had any taken of me yet. Maybe once I loose some of my steroid weight.  But here is a picture of my beautiful curls.  Maybe next time when my hair grows back in it will be pink and frizzy.  At least I know it will grow back.  And I ordered a couple more cute wigs.  I think I will just have to cover up the mirrors in the house so I don't have to look at myself.