I am finally blogging about our FABULOUS wonderful awesome trip to Disneyland.  This trip was exactly what our family needed.  It was so great to get away from our everyday life and just play and enjoy and have fun together. The memories we made are priceless, and the time we were able to spend together is invaluable.  I loved being away from all the worries and stress, not having to worry about cooking or cleaning, and just get away from the drudgery of cancer and everything else that cancer entails.  I took more than 500 pictures as I tried to capture each precious memory, that way when I am gone my family can look at these pictures and remember what a great time we had together.  

    I felt pretty good while we were in California.  I had taken the week before off from chemo, and of course took the week off while we were on vacation.  I am so frustrated that I feel sicker from the chemo than the cancer.  I had a lot of pain still, but thank heavens for pain meds. I had to increase my dosage because of the abuse of being up and about more than I was used to.  I either had a wheelchair or a scooter (talk about humbling to have to use those), so I was able to keep up with everyone else.  

    We loved Disneyland, all the rides, meeting characters, delicious food, and the magical place that it is.  The weather was perfect!  The kids loved having their own souvenir money and shopping for the perfect keepsakes.  We had so much fun at a character breakfast, and getting autographs.  I wish we could have stayed longer!  

     Thank you once again to Get away today, and all of the generous people who made this trip possible.  You will never know how much this meant to us, and how grateful we are.  The trip was perfect, and we will treasure the memories and the time we had to spend together as a family.  Thank you!!!!

Here I am at Disneyland in my motorized scooter.  Not only was it great for getting me around, it had room enough to load a child on with me when their feet got tired.  


We loved the holiday themed Small World ride.  It was lit up so beautiful!


Toon town was so FUN!  We all enjoyed playing around and posing for silly pictures.  


I was so thrilled to meet Aladdin and Jasmine.  


This picture was taken at Universal Studios.  We met Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona.  Ammon LOVED Curious George, and SpongeBob. 


Caleb and Ammon got matching Mickey Pirates of the Caribbean T-shirts, and the girls also got matching shirts, and fun Mickey Ears.


Just some more fun photos.


 

    As I sit here Christmas Eve, I am reflecting on all of the trials and blessings of this last year.  Honestly, I did not believe I would live to see another Christmas.  It has been a bittersweet Christmas season.   I usually love everything about Christmas, I go crazy decorating the house, listen to Christmas carols, go Christmas shopping, enjoy seeing Christmas lights etc.  I feel like Christmas has just skipped me by.  Our house has only a Christmas Tree and a Nativity.  Usually I wrap garlands on railings, and I have totes and totes of Christmas decorations.  I didn't put any of it up at all.  I haven't sent out my homemade Christmas cards with our family photo, like I do every year (even last year!)  I didn't make Christmas treats for our friends and neighbors.  No token gifts for friends and family members.  
     I guess it is not a bad thing to not get caught in all of the trappings of Christmas, but it comes down to I simply miss the way things used to be.  I have had time to focus on what my life consists of now, and it kind of depresses me.  Being sick and miserable from chemo seem to make the depression feel worse.  I have been fighting the constant thought in my head that I am worthless.  I can't cook, or clean, or decorate for Christmas, I can't shop, I don't go hardly anywhere ever, except the doctor.  I feel lazy as I spend day after day in bed, barely doing anything besides basic care of myself and children.  I feel guilty, even though I know that I am not lazy, just sick but it frustrates me because I can't be what I used to be.  
    That dreary part aside, I am grateful that I am still here for Christmas.  I may not be able to cook and clean, but Dan reminds me that I can still give love and share of myself.  
     I am always so touched by the spirit of Christ, but especially at Christmas.  We are reminded and feel of the love of Christ each and every day as so many of our family and friends follow His example in love, charity, and spirit of Christ.  We feel that wonderful joyous feeling of giving that everyone feels at Christmas all the time.  We are so blessed.  I love my family so much.  I am grateful for each and every one of them.  My husband and children are the best gifts I could ever receive.   I love my parents and siblings, and I am so blessed to have such a close caring relationship with them.  We spent Christmas Eve with our family, and it was fun, even though I had chemo yesterday.  I just enjoy every time we are able to get together and make more memories.  I forgot my camera so if Emily or Heather or Dad is reading this, PLEASE send me so photos via email!!!!!
    Merry Christmas to you all.  Thank you for all you do for us.  Dan and I were speaking about how the windows of heaven have been opened unto us, and we don't have room to receive all of the blessings we receive.  It is overwhelming how blessed we are, even though and maybe because of our trials.  Thank you thank you!  May each and everyone of you feel the spirit of Christ and the love of family and friends!  God bless you all!!!!!!


P.S. Our trip to California and Disneyland was magical and wonderful!   (I fully plan on sharing all of the fun with pictures on of these days!)  However since we returned home I had to begin my Xeloda chemo pills and I have pretty much been too sick and fatigued to get on the computer much.  I just barely got my camera out of my unpacked suitcase for Christmas.  So once things die down after tomorrow, I plan on getting some pictures and blogging done about the trip.

 

This post is coming to you LIVE from DISNEYLAND.  Someone forgot to tell my 2 year old Ammon that this is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth.  Besides Ammon's 2 year old temper tantrums and a little bit of impatience from Dan, (he has a hard time slowing down on vacations and I move at the pace of a snail) everything has been FABULOUS!!  The weather has been cooler than I had hoped, but tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and warm.

    Monday we went to DisneyLand first thing in the morning.  It was simply magical to walk in those front gates and see the amazing Christmas tree and decorations.  Then who should we run into but Goofy, one of our ultimate favorite characters.  Of course we got pictures and autographs.  (I will add pictures once we are back home)  We enjoyed a delicious breakfast from the bakery on Main Street, and then off to the rides.  I had a motorized scooter that I rolled along in, so I didn't get too tired.  We enjoyed rides, and my favorite was the newly redone Small World ride.  We even got to see the amazing firework show.  I was in heaven!!!!  The finished out the firework show with real snow.  Beautiful!!!

    Today we went to Universal Studios.  It was a long drive there in L.A. traffic.  Universal studios was very uncrowded, so we were able to get on all of the rides right away.  The little kids, Ammon and Caleb, didn't enjoy today as much.  Too much time in the car, and not enough kiddie rides.  They did get to meet Shrek, Donkey and Fiona, and later Spongebob and the Simpson Family.  On our way out we saw Curious George, who Ammon loves.  He was so excited, he ran and gave him a hug.  Totally precious!  Then we found a stuffed George for Ammon to take home as a Souvenir. 

I actually went on the Jurassic Park ride and the Mummy ride, but would you believe that the ride that caused me the most pain was the studio back lot tour?  Riding in that tram up and down hills, and then experiencing and "earthquake" made my body quake with pain.  I survived all those fun rides, and Dan "enjoyed" the fun ride home driving once again in L.A. rush hour traffic.  It took 2 hours to drive 40 miles.  Let me tell you, our hearts were pounding more than they were on any of the rides we've been on.  Utter crazy-ness. So many times I said, someones going to crash into us!  We survived, and we were all so glad to arrive back at the hotel. 

    Tomorrow is another Disney day.  We are so excited for our Character breakfast at Goofy's Kitchen.  Then tomorrow we are going to split up.  My Mom and Dad are going to stay with me and Ammon and Caleb, and we are going to devote the day to them and rides and activities for their enjoyment.  Dan is going to take the older kids on all of the crazy roller coaster type rides.  That way everyone will be happy rather than complaining about rides that are not suited for their age.  It is also supposed to be 75 degrees tomorrow.  I hope it is, because it seems like I have been cold the whole vacation.  I really would love a warm sunny day.

I typed this on my Dad's computer so I can't add photos, but I will when we get home.  Thanks again to everyone who made this trip possible.  It has been wonderful to get away from all the stresses and worries of daily life, and spend magical time together as a family making precious memories.  Thank you for making my wishes a reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 



 

My kids (and I) are bouncing off the walls with excitement for DISNEYLAND!!!  We are SO EXCITED!!  We leave on Sunday.  Bekah and Abby wanted to start packing when they got home from school today.  I told them we will work on it tomorrow, and then off we go on Sunday morning.  Thanks again to all who made this trip possible!  I am bringing my laptop so I can post some pictures and share the fun and memories while we are there.  I am so glad we get to leave all the worries and stresses of regular life behind and go to the "Happiest place on Earth". 

 

I have been enjoying pretty good quality of life this past week.  It was nice to have a week off from my Xeloda pills.  I was able to enjoy all the yummy food at Thanksgiving, and I really enjoyed visiting and spending time with family.
     I went with my Mom and sisters to see the movie Twilight on Saturday, and we also went to lunch and did a little bit of shopping.  It felt wonderful to have a normal day out with the girls. 

Monday was Caleb's birthday.  He is now 6.  The day of his birthday we went down to Temple Square to see the Christmas Lights.  Because it was a warm night, it was really crowded.  I also was in a lot of pain after only walking a little bit.  We are going to look into getting me a wheelchair so when we have activities like this, I will be able to more fully enjoy them.  I just get so tired so fast, along with the pain, I think it is time to have one.

The lights were so beautiful, and it is always so wonderful to see the Salt Lake Temple where Dan & I were married.  Dan dropped me and Caleb off at Temple Square, and then went to find a parking spot.  Caleb & I had a tender moment discussing temples and how families can be together forever.  I was so glad I had a chance to explain to him that if I die, that we will be able to be a forever family.  Caleb is the one who expresses the most worry about me dying than all of my other kids.  So, I really was grateful to maybe ease some of his fears and worries. 


This is my girls with a couple of their cousins.  This year all of my siblings and their kids were able to go.  We were quite a big crowd.  Every year, before going to see the lights, we all go eat pizza at Litza's Pizza.  My parents started this tradition while my dad was going to school at U of U.  It is something I look forward to, and love the reminders of the true meaning of Christmas.  The beautiful nativity's and temple grounds really puts you in a good holiday spirit.  Plus on the drive home, we stopped at Krispy Kreams and got some hot fresh donuts.  YUM!


Mary and Joseph with the baby Jesus was absolutely stunning in the reflecting pool in front of the temple. 


 

   At this time of year, I think everyone reflects on the things in their life that they are thankful for.  I feel so much gratitude already daily because of all the blessings I receive, but I wanted to take a moment to truly focus and say "thank you" for my blessings.
     I am so thankful for a wonderful husband.  Not only does he go to work every day to provide for our family, he cooks, he cleans, he bathes children, he helps kids with homework, he waits on me hand and foot, he is spiritually strong, he is my best friend.  There is no way I could ever make it without him.  I am so grateful that he is mine forever!  I love him so much!
     I am thankful for each of my children.  They are what keeps me battling my cancer when I think I have had enough.  They bring me so much joy, and make me smile every single day.  I love each and every one of them more than words can say.  

    I am thankful for my loving, supportive parents, and for their examples.  I am thankful for my brothers and sisters, grateful that we are all really good friends, and how much love they show me.  I am thankful for Dan's parents and family.
    I am thankful for the gospel, and for Jesus.  How could I endure all of my trials without Him?  I am thankful for the scriptures.  I am thankful that I have the knowledge that my family is forever!!  What comfort that gives me.
    I am thankful for all the service we receive.  Whether they are small or large acts of kindness, each and every one is so appreciated.  I am grateful for those who read my blog, and put up with my ramblings, and give me support and encouragement.  I am grateful for all of our friends and extended family.  We have the BEST support system ever, and we are so grateful for each and every person who is there for us, whatever the need may be.  
     I am grateful for our home, and our wonderful neighborhood, this beautiful area, to live in America, for the medical treatments that have kept me alive for 18 months, for the kind doctors and nurses who take care of me, for pain medicine, for anti-nausea medicine.    
     There are so many more blessings that are too numerous to count.   Just like the hymn "Count your Many Blessings"  that we recently sang in church, I needed a reminder to do this.  When we sang the third verse, tears came to my eyes, and I was overwhelmed by the feeling of love for my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He has given me.  The third verse was especially touching:


So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all.
Count your many blessings, angels will attend.
Hope and comfort give you to your journey's end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one.
Count your many blessings, see what God has done.


Happy Thanksgiving to everyone today.  May you take the chance to count your many blessings!  Thank you once again for being a blessing in my life with all of your love and support!  I love you all.
Love, Amber






 

"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen." Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote has long been a favorite of mine.  Whenever I look at all of the beautiful creations of this world, I stand in awe.  My mind can not fully comprehend the majesties of all of this world.   The beauty of all of the seasons, and the changes each bring is a miracle.  The beautiful spring flowers, the hot summer days, the majesty of the fall foliage, the pureness of the first snow.  I love living somewhere that has different seasons.  Looking up at the moon and stars at night, and knowing that the sun will rise each morning.  How could all of this be a cosmic accident?  How could there NOT be a God who loves us, to create such a beautiful world for us to experience our mortal lives?  So this quote, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen."  reminds me to trust the creator.  He has infinite knowledge, and He is aware of each one of us, and loves each of us. 


I love each of the seasons, but I think I have always loved autumn the most.  Autumn brings cooler temperatures, a return to school, crisp fall weather, apple cider, beautiful fall leaves, the promise of holidays just around the corner.  It is a time of change.  I get to wondering if I am in the autumn of my life.  As I planted some tulips and daffodils a month or so ago, I found myself wondering if I would be here in the spring to see them bloom.  I try to enjoy each moment, and try not to worry about the future.  But the worry and fear always are there in the back corner of my mind.  I try to just trust my Heavenly Father that I will be here for as long as I need to be to accomplish my mortal purpose. 
      


Because my time on Earth will be limited due to this terrible, devastating illness that is cancer, I do more living each and every day, and I cherish each moment with my family and friends, no matter how big or small.  I take time to play in the leaves, smell the roses, watch the moon in the middle of the night, laugh and play, and dance in the rain.  I think it is a good reminder for all of us to do this.  None of us have any guarantees of tomorrow.  Remember this, and remember to live each day to the fullest. 


These beautiful autumn pictures were taken a month ago in Sardine Canyon by Sherwood Hills.  We had so much fun playing in the leaves and I love all of the great pictures! 

 

I can not find the words to express the feelings in my heart.  I never knew a heart could feel like it is breaking  because it can't contain the love inside.  
     The Run 4 Amber was an overwhelming success!  The amount of generosity, love, and support was truly humbling and amazing.  Saying thank you just does not seem like enough.  Even if I were to stand on the tallest mountain and shout it out to the world, it would never adequately convey the gratitude that our family feels for all of the support.
     All of my siblings (two sisters and three brothers) are runners.  They have run many races including marathons.  Alas, I am not built like a runner.  However, in my life I have been running a different marathon in battling cancer.  My marathon has been going on almost 18 months of continually fighting cancer.  How fitting that a race was held to earn money for our family to go on a amazing trip and also extra funds that will cover the rest of our doctor bills from this year, and enough to meet our deductibles for next year.  The amount raised was reached  $20,000.  As we spent literally hours counting the money, we shook our heads in awe at the generosity and love and support.  We still can't believe it.  
   I believe from the bottom of my heart that we experienced a miracle Saturday in Perry.  First of all, this event was put together in less than 2 weeks.  And from the hundreds of people who came and ran, the beautiful weather, the generosity of the donations, the success of the auction, me having enough strength to be able to attend, it was truly a miracle.
   If the news and world would focus on the good things like this that happen in the world, the world would be a happier place.  There are so many good, caring, humble, Christ-like people in the world, and in their small way, they make a huge difference in the world.  I know that all of my family, including my extended family and Dan's family, will never be the same because of all the love and service that has been shown to our family. 
     A special thank you to Melissa Huntsman and Lee Perry and Jared Griffith and their families, Anytime Fitness, Getaway Today, Galactic Bowl, all who helped organize and advertise the run, all who donated items for the auction, all who ran in the race, all who donated and supported, all of the people who pray and send well wishes.  There is no way I can name all who helped, but know we are grateful to each and every one of you!!!!  God bless you all!!!  We have been blessed because of you all, and we pray that God will bless your lives for serving as He has richly blessed our lives by having you all be a part of ours. 

We counted more than 400 people who signed in for the Race 4 Amber.  Amazing!


Amber with the people from Anytime Fitness. 


Amber with Caleb & Ammon, and Jared Griffith.


Pinkyest person contest!  This was FANTASTIC!!!!


Look at all these cute kids!


These 2 beautiful albums were full of beautiful messages.  I cried as I read all of the sweet messages from all of the people who came and ran.  What a wonderful treasure!


These awesome baskets made the kids feel like Christmas morning.  They were full of fun Disney items, towels, blankets, back-packs, scrapbooks, and Disneyland passport holders!  Thank you to Getaway Today!!!  If you are planning a trip to Disney in the future, please show your support and use this awesome company!


This was the beautiful jar for runner's donations.  The jar held more than $10,000!!!!  THANK YOU!!!!!


Amber with the beautiful scrapbook from her gift basket.


Dan getting ready to break open the jar!  How exciting!


 

The CRAZY girls in my family!!!!!!!!!!  They ROCK!


     A year ago I turned 29.  I wondered, and was a little doubtful, that I would make it to my 30th birthday.  Well, I DID!!!!!  I turned 30 today.  It seems like we partied all weekend.  My family (my dear wonderful sisters did most of the planning from what I hear) threw me the most fabulous surprise party on Saturday.  I had NO IDEA that this was even in the works. 
       My mom had told me that my Grandma L. wanted to have one last family dinner at her house while the weather was still good, plus my Aunt Jan would be up from Vegas because my Grandpa L. had a heart procedure done this last week.  So, we show up to my Grandmas house, late of course.  When I walked into the backyard, there were like 3 cameras pointed at me.  I looked around at everyone, and then everyone shouted SURPRISE.  Everyone had PINK hair.  They either had spray painted , or dyed, or got pink hair extensions.  SO the first thing that went through my mind was that they were throwing me a party to show support for my battling cancer. 
       Then everyone started to sing Happy Birthday, and it finally clicked in my head that it was a surprise Birthday party for me.  I was so overwhelmed, and happy, and touched that all of my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, grandmas, grandpas, brothers, sisters, would all come and show their love and caring for little old me.  I am so glad that everyone came.  It was so nice to get hugs from you all, and I just felt so LOVED.  It was so sweet, and I really needed that. 
     Everything was TINKERBELL.  I had the most adorable Tinkerbell cake, balloons, and plates.  I felt so special.  My parents gave me a Tinkerbell porcelain doll, with fairy dust.  Maybe I can use it to fly to neverland, and then I will never have to grow up.  Plus I bet they don't have cancer in Neverland.  I love the Disney Fairies, and Tinkerbell has always been my favorite.   Bekah and Abby are really jealous, I think.
     Everyone gave me the most thoughtful gift.  I received a $200 gift certificate to a local spa.  The list of all the heavenly sounding services just made me so excited.  I figured out that there is enough that I can go get a facial and a pedicure, foot massage etc.  once a month on my week off from chemo.  I will be able to look forward to a special pampering each month, and that will help me get through the hard weeks.  I can't wait to go the first time.  I am going to have to talk my mom and sisters into going with me at least once.  I think it will be a lot of fun if we go together.  My next week off is the week of October 6th-12th.  I do have an MRI that week, and a follow up doctors appointment with the radiation oncologist, but we can still fit in some spoiling and pampering, right girls!?
      Last year when I turned 29, I said that the next year when I turned 30 I wanted a RAGER of a birthday party.  I had assumed that my cancer would be a bad memory, and that I would be healthy, stable, and fine.  I didn't expect to get a brain tumor, and be back on chemo again so soon.  I told Dan not to throw me a party right now, because I just didn't feel like celebrating.  I told him we could have my 30th birthday celebration after I was done with this 6 months of chemo.  I know he felt bad because he had been planning a party for me with all of our friends and his family etc.  So everyone, plan on a 30th year celebration sometime in the Spring.  We can celebrate my 30 1/2 birthday. 
    
     

Here we are as a family at my Birthday party.  Unfortunately Blake was gone to his Dad's this weekend, so he wasn't able to be there.  We need to photoshop him into the photo.


Here I am with my sweetheart Dan.  I was an emotional wreck, crying and upset all day, and Dan took the day off from work, so he had to put up with me crying and being sad all day today.  I was a little down because I am dreading chemo again, my hair is falling out like crazy, and this just isn't what I had pictured for my life at this time.  Plus because of the STUPID steroids I have to be on because of swelling in the brain, I have gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks.  It just isn't fair!!!  I don't eat that much, and I feel sick all the time, and yet I have gained weight.  YUCK.  My hair is all falling out, and pretty soon I am going to just look like a fat bald old man..  So depressing!!!!!   It comes back to that HOPE thing again.  I just need to remember that and not focus on all of the hard, difficult things, and focus on all the good things that happen.  Even if it just a simple hug or kiss!!!!!


This is a beautiful, soft, breast cancer fleece blanket that my Aunt Stacy and my cousins made for me.  It is absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to snuggle up in it when I don't feel good.  I have always wanted a breast cancer blanket, and this one is perfect.  Thank you so much guys!!!!!


I also just had to share these pictures of my cute kids at the party.  I love them so much, and they are what keeps me going through the hard times.  If I didn't love them so much, and want to be here to be there mother, and hug and kiss them, and spend precious moments with them, I wouldn't go through all of this pain and suffering.  They are my everything, and I am grateful for everyday that I get to spend with them.  I just hope I live long enough that little 2.5 yr old Ammon will remember me...........


Thanks to everyone else who spoiled me rotten today. I received so many nice phone calls from Family members and friends, and sweet touching cards from so many friends, and thoughtful gifts.   I got to enjoy lunch with a bunch of gals from my ward, and Annette, thank you for buying my lunch.  I got treats from friends, and pampering gifts, lip gloss from Nancy, soft fuzzy socks, sweet Alice wrote me a poem, and a Henry B. Eyring book from Nola.   My sweet friend Kristin brought me some bright cheery balloons,  Krystal brought me some rice krispy treats (YUM!) My dear mother in law made me the softest silkiest most beautiful blanket and pillow cases and rice heat bag.  I know it will be heavenly to wrap up in it tomorrow after I get home from treatment.  My sister in law Rachel sent me the nicest letter, (you made me BAWL) and gave me some money to buy myself something fabulous!  My other sis-in-law made the CUTEST card, and gave me some more super soft, fuzzy warm socks.  They are pink, and oh so cute!!!!  I even got a phone call from my brother in law Ben, who is on a business trip by Hershey Pennsylvania.  (He told me that he is going to bring me something from Hershey.  He knows what I LOVE)  Dan got me some soft Halloween socks, and also a LIBRARY card.  (We have NO MORE room on our bookshelves to buy anymore books.  I love to read,  So now I can check out books, and not have to find a place to keep them.)  He also took me shopping on Saturday for some new clothes, and bought me some of my favorite shower gel, chocolate scented, YUM. I can enjoy that, and it won't make me put on even more weight!!!  My parents also got me the softest slipper socks, and some new cute PJ's, because when you are going through chemotherapy, you spend more time wearing PJ's than clothes.  Plus my dad took me to Salt Lake on Friday to Beethovens 9th Symphony, ODE to JOY.  It was phenomenal!!!   I enjoyed it so much.  My brother in laws mom even gave me a gift, the most beautiful sketch of Christ, plus a CD that their family recorded of songs to help and encourage.  I was so touched that they would send a gift for my birthday.  See, I told you that I was spoiled.  I am sure that I am forgetting other gifts, but I think everyone is just trying to get all the presents in while I am still here, because who knows how many more birthdays I will actually have.........
     I really appreciate it all so much.  At the times when I feel sad, I love to go back and read all of the kind words you all write, and it gives me so much strength, and your love and support truly lifts my burdens and helps me feel better.  I feel guilty sometimes because everyone does so much.  I feel like I don't deserve it.  I haven't done anything special. I just have cancer, I certainly didn't choose this trial, and I'm not as strong as you all seem to think I am.  I just do what I have to do to survive.  I can't believe I am putting this out there for everyone to read, but I just don't want everyone to think that I am something that I am not.  I cry a lot.  I cried a lot today.  I am sad.  Having cancer is hard, and I really wish that I didn't have to go through all of this.  I pray and study and try to figure out why, and I have moments of peace and comfort.  But there are moments when my heart aches, and I feel like I can't do this another day....  I try my best, and I hope that it is enough.  But please know that I am weak, and scared, and  not as strong as you all seem to think I am.  I do feel better saying that.  But now you know the truth.  I am hoping that because this is such a long blog journal entry that no one is actually going to read this last paragraph.  And if you did, well, now you know the truth. 

 

So, I have a 2 year old.  I love him dearly.  He is so much fun.  But the last couple of weeks, um, not so much.  He has decided that he has to do everything by-him-self.  He wants to brush his own teeth, dress and undress by himself, climb up and down the toilet by himself (still working on that potty training thing), and if I dare try to help him, he answers with a shriek and yelling "NO, men do it!!!" (translate men to Ammon, his name) Then he has to start all over again to prove that he can do it.
   I was quite frustrated this afternoon because Ammon kept wanting to go potty and then get his pants back on.  It was taking FOREVER!  Usually, I am like fine, whatever.  I could do this so much quicker, but if you need your independence, fine. But then it was time to run Blake and Bekah to golf, and Ammon was insisting on doing it himself.  I didn't have time to wait for him.  We were going to be late!
   I finally get his clothes put back on him, all the while he is kicking and screaming.  Then it is time to get in the van.  And what happens?  Ammon wanted to climb in himself and buckle his own seatbelt.  Well, he really has a hard time doing that, so I forcefully did it so we could get on our way.
     As I was driving, I began to think about that.  I was so frustrated because Ammon wanted to do things by himself that I could do so much easier.  Because of his abilities in this point in his life, he is not very capable of doing certain things.  He really would like to do these things by himself, but he just isn't physically able to do them.
     And then it struck me. I am a 2 year old.  I am insisting on doing things all by myself, even though I am not quite physically able to do them.  Sure I can try really hard and push myself, but some things would just be easier if I let someone else do them.  OF course I can take myself potty, and get dressed all by myself, but I need help in other things.  Like having my house cleaned, having help with the kids, having dinner made for me (sweet 10 year old Bekah cooked dinner for us tonight.)  I can do housework, it just takes me a long time, and causes a lot of pain.  I can cook, but while undergoing chemo the smells of food is sometimes very unappealing, and it is hard to cook when nothing sounds good to eat, or when you are just plain tired or in pain. 
    So I need to step back, and accept help.  But please understand that sometimes I do want to do things ALL by myself.  I guess the wisdom would be balancing out what I NEED to do to feel needed and productive without totally exhausting myself.  hmmmmm.  Just something I have been thinking about.