I received the results of my PET-CT scan on Tuesday when I went for chemo. We got to the hospital at 11:00a.m. After I signed in I went to medical records at the hospital to get a copy of the PET-CT scan report so I could read through it and be prepared with knowledge of what is going on when I saw the doctor. I was not surprised with the results of the scan, but I was disappointed.
I have widespread new tumor growth, and the tumors that were stable are now metaboically active. I have new tumors growing around my right lung, my right shoulder and humerus, and all over the right chest wall. I had hope that the swelling in my arm was from something other than cancer, and I had tried to think of all the reasons why I could have swelling and pain, but it is in fact cancer. I have cancer in my lymph nodes in the jaw, armpit, collar bone and neck. I have cancer growing in my right hip and pelvis, as well as the hottest most acitve cancer is in my left hip. I have been on strong pain meds and I am still in so much pain! The cancer is growing in my thoracic and lumbar spine. Suffice it to say, the chemo (Taxol ) is not working.
I requested to see the Doctor, not the PA, so we waited an hour and forty-five minutes, and who should walk into the room, but the PA. Of course I tried to ask her questions. She thought I should wait and do another 3 week cycle of the same chemo, but if the chemo hasn't worked after 2 months, I don't think it is magically going to start working. We (me, my mom, and Dan) were really frustrated that we had waited so long, and Dr. H was too busy to see us.. It is so annoying that drug reps don't have to wait as long as patients to see the doctor. We're the ones who are paying the doctor, and we have to wait FOREVER.... Anyway, that is a whole other issue....
Because I had waited so long and Dr. H didn't have time to see me right then, we decided to go ahead with my regularly scheduled chemo (taxol and herceptin). Then when Dr. H had a minute I would go into a room so I could talk with him about the new plan of action.
At 4:00 I was finished with my treatment, and we finally had a chance after waiting a little while to see the actual oncologist. He did a thorough exam, and after seeing what was going on with my chest wall, plus reading through the scan report, he agreed (DUH!) that the chemo was not working. He gave me a couple of options for the next chemo to do: xeloda and herceptin, or gemzar and herceptin. There also were a couple of other drugs we talked about taking after I do a 6 month cycle of the previously mentioned drugs; Avastin, tykerb, adryacmyacin, and taxotere. There are a lot of treatment options and combos out there, we just have to find one that can work against my aggressive cancer.
I am so scared that this is the beginning of the end. I am worried that when I have my brain MRI on Monday, it will show new tumors in my brain. I am worried that I am never going to be off chemo again, and it will be continually changing and trying different chemo combos to try to keep the cancer under control. Getting bad news like this is so scary. I just feel like there is nothing I can do, and the cancer is invading and growing, when I wish it would just go away. This is so difficult. I hate bad news. I wish I could just say that everything is going to be okay, but I just don't know anymore.
I get next week off from chemo, and will start the new treatment the next week. Dr. H's first choice is the Gemzar & herceptin along with the zometa for the bones. Gemzar is supposed to be a pretty mild chemo, and it doesn't cause hair loss. Go figure. I lost my hair for nothing. I am trying not to focus on that, and trying to think of the positive of loosing my hair (cute new wigs, and hats etc.) but when it comes right down to it, I would rather still have MY hair. It is what it is. That is my mantra. It is what it is.
At church on Sunday, we had a Relief Society lesson about worrying and fear, and there was a saying that was shared that has stuck in my head: "Why worry when you can pray?" Worrying about all these things isn't going to change what is, and what will be. So instead of worrying, I'm just going to pray. I would appreciate all of your prayers as well. So, we're not going to worry, we're just going to pray.
Another thing that I keep on thinking of is: No matter how bad you have it, someone has it worse. And no matter what trials you are facing, you can always do something for someone else, whether it is a smile, a card, a phone call etc. I have found that as I have tried to think of others this week, even though I am disappointed in my bad news, I can still find joy and happiness.
And also, it is so hard to feel sorry for myself when so many people do so many small acts of kindness to show that they care. We really are so blessed, and Heavenly Father is looking out for us, and this is His plan, and He will provide for us, no matter what trials or burdens we are called upon to bear.
 The CRAZY girls in my family!!!!!!!!!! They ROCK!
A year ago I turned 29. I wondered, and was a little doubtful, that I would make it to my 30th birthday. Well, I DID!!!!! I turned 30 today. It seems like we partied all weekend. My family (my dear wonderful sisters did most of the planning from what I hear) threw me the most fabulous surprise party on Saturday. I had NO IDEA that this was even in the works.
My mom had told me that my Grandma L. wanted to have one last family dinner at her house while the weather was still good, plus my Aunt Jan would be up from Vegas because my Grandpa L. had a heart procedure done this last week. So, we show up to my Grandmas house, late of course. When I walked into the backyard, there were like 3 cameras pointed at me. I looked around at everyone, and then everyone shouted SURPRISE. Everyone had PINK hair. They either had spray painted , or dyed, or got pink hair extensions. SO the first thing that went through my mind was that they were throwing me a party to show support for my battling cancer.
Then everyone started to sing Happy Birthday, and it finally clicked in my head that it was a surprise Birthday party for me. I was so overwhelmed, and happy, and touched that all of my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, grandmas, grandpas, brothers, sisters, would all come and show their love and caring for little old me. I am so glad that everyone came. It was so nice to get hugs from you all, and I just felt so LOVED. It was so sweet, and I really needed that.
Everything was TINKERBELL. I had the most adorable Tinkerbell cake, balloons, and plates. I felt so special. My parents gave me a Tinkerbell porcelain doll, with fairy dust. Maybe I can use it to fly to neverland, and then I will never have to grow up. Plus I bet they don't have cancer in Neverland. I love the Disney Fairies, and Tinkerbell has always been my favorite. Bekah and Abby are really jealous, I think.
Everyone gave me the most thoughtful gift. I received a $200 gift certificate to a local spa. The list of all the heavenly sounding services just made me so excited. I figured out that there is enough that I can go get a facial and a pedicure, foot massage etc. once a month on my week off from chemo. I will be able to look forward to a special pampering each month, and that will help me get through the hard weeks. I can't wait to go the first time. I am going to have to talk my mom and sisters into going with me at least once. I think it will be a lot of fun if we go together. My next week off is the week of October 6th-12th. I do have an MRI that week, and a follow up doctors appointment with the radiation oncologist, but we can still fit in some spoiling and pampering, right girls!?
Last year when I turned 29, I said that the next year when I turned 30 I wanted a RAGER of a birthday party. I had assumed that my cancer would be a bad memory, and that I would be healthy, stable, and fine. I didn't expect to get a brain tumor, and be back on chemo again so soon. I told Dan not to throw me a party right now, because I just didn't feel like celebrating. I told him we could have my 30th birthday celebration after I was done with this 6 months of chemo. I know he felt bad because he had been planning a party for me with all of our friends and his family etc. So everyone, plan on a 30th year celebration sometime in the Spring. We can celebrate my 30 1/2 birthday.
 Here we are as a family at my Birthday party. Unfortunately Blake was gone to his Dad's this weekend, so he wasn't able to be there. We need to photoshop him into the photo.
 Here I am with my sweetheart Dan. I was an emotional wreck, crying and upset all day, and Dan took the day off from work, so he had to put up with me crying and being sad all day today. I was a little down because I am dreading chemo again, my hair is falling out like crazy, and this just isn't what I had pictured for my life at this time. Plus because of the STUPID steroids I have to be on because of swelling in the brain, I have gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks. It just isn't fair!!! I don't eat that much, and I feel sick all the time, and yet I have gained weight. YUCK. My hair is all falling out, and pretty soon I am going to just look like a fat bald old man.. So depressing!!!!! It comes back to that HOPE thing again. I just need to remember that and not focus on all of the hard, difficult things, and focus on all the good things that happen. Even if it just a simple hug or kiss!!!!!
 This is a beautiful, soft, breast cancer fleece blanket that my Aunt Stacy and my cousins made for me. It is absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to snuggle up in it when I don't feel good. I have always wanted a breast cancer blanket, and this one is perfect. Thank you so much guys!!!!!
 I also just had to share these pictures of my cute kids at the party. I love them so much, and they are what keeps me going through the hard times. If I didn't love them so much, and want to be here to be there mother, and hug and kiss them, and spend precious moments with them, I wouldn't go through all of this pain and suffering. They are my everything, and I am grateful for everyday that I get to spend with them. I just hope I live long enough that little 2.5 yr old Ammon will remember me...........
Thanks to everyone else who spoiled me rotten today. I received so many nice phone calls from Family members and friends, and sweet touching cards from so many friends, and thoughtful gifts. I got to enjoy lunch with a bunch of gals from my ward, and Annette, thank you for buying my lunch. I got treats from friends, and pampering gifts, lip gloss from Nancy, soft fuzzy socks, sweet Alice wrote me a poem, and a Henry B. Eyring book from Nola. My sweet friend Kristin brought me some bright cheery balloons, Krystal brought me some rice krispy treats (YUM!) My dear mother in law made me the softest silkiest most beautiful blanket and pillow cases and rice heat bag. I know it will be heavenly to wrap up in it tomorrow after I get home from treatment. My sister in law Rachel sent me the nicest letter, (you made me BAWL) and gave me some money to buy myself something fabulous! My other sis-in-law made the CUTEST card, and gave me some more super soft, fuzzy warm socks. They are pink, and oh so cute!!!! I even got a phone call from my brother in law Ben, who is on a business trip by Hershey Pennsylvania. (He told me that he is going to bring me something from Hershey. He knows what I LOVE) Dan got me some soft Halloween socks, and also a LIBRARY card. (We have NO MORE room on our bookshelves to buy anymore books. I love to read, So now I can check out books, and not have to find a place to keep them.) He also took me shopping on Saturday for some new clothes, and bought me some of my favorite shower gel, chocolate scented, YUM. I can enjoy that, and it won't make me put on even more weight!!! My parents also got me the softest slipper socks, and some new cute PJ's, because when you are going through chemotherapy, you spend more time wearing PJ's than clothes. Plus my dad took me to Salt Lake on Friday to Beethovens 9th Symphony, ODE to JOY. It was phenomenal!!! I enjoyed it so much. My brother in laws mom even gave me a gift, the most beautiful sketch of Christ, plus a CD that their family recorded of songs to help and encourage. I was so touched that they would send a gift for my birthday. See, I told you that I was spoiled. I am sure that I am forgetting other gifts, but I think everyone is just trying to get all the presents in while I am still here, because who knows how many more birthdays I will actually have.........
I really appreciate it all so much. At the times when I feel sad, I love to go back and read all of the kind words you all write, and it gives me so much strength, and your love and support truly lifts my burdens and helps me feel better. I feel guilty sometimes because everyone does so much. I feel like I don't deserve it. I haven't done anything special. I just have cancer, I certainly didn't choose this trial, and I'm not as strong as you all seem to think I am. I just do what I have to do to survive. I can't believe I am putting this out there for everyone to read, but I just don't want everyone to think that I am something that I am not. I cry a lot. I cried a lot today. I am sad. Having cancer is hard, and I really wish that I didn't have to go through all of this. I pray and study and try to figure out why, and I have moments of peace and comfort. But there are moments when my heart aches, and I feel like I can't do this another day.... I try my best, and I hope that it is enough. But please know that I am weak, and scared, and not as strong as you all seem to think I am. I do feel better saying that. But now you know the truth. I am hoping that because this is such a long blog journal entry that no one is actually going to read this last paragraph. And if you did, well, now you know the truth.
Hope is a funny thing. It can change so fast. One can be hopeful for one thing, and then everything can change in an instant. When I first began treatment for inflammatory breast cancer, 16 months ago if you can believe it, I had hope. I hoped that the treatments would work, I hoped that all the cancer cells would be killed. I hoped that I would survive all of the pain and suffering of the chemotherapy, surgeries, and radiation. My hope was that I was going to go through all of these difficult treatments, and then I would be "stable" for years. I hoped that I would only need to go in for my maintenance doses every three weeks.
Well, as it so often happens, life changes. In May I started having headaches. Just one little spot that hurt in my head. Not all the time. But it was there, and it worried me. I didn't tell anyone else, because I was hoping it was nothing. In June, the pain in my hip and back began to me more sore and persistent. In July, along my mastectomy scar line, I began to have sores and red and swelling as the cancer was growing there again. Needless to say, because I had placed my HOPE on "stable for years" which is what the doctor told us best case scenario, I was devastated. This is NOT what was supposed to happen.
So, I spent a couple of weeks quite down in the dumps. I felt like I had lost hope. I questioned my ability to go through chemotherapy again. I made the mistake of searching for studies that gave prognosis for IBC with brain mets. That made me feel even more hopeless. I felt lost, and betrayed by my body. I was so hopeful, and positive!!!! How could this have happened??
Well, I found HOPE again. I am hoping for something different this time. I HOPE to smile today. I HOPE to enjoy a precious moment with one of my children. I HOPE to take time to enjoy a beautiful creation. I HOPE that I can be a good example to someone. I HOPE that I can endure whatever trials Heavenly Father gives me, and endure them well. I HOPE to have lived a righteous enough life, that when I die, I can return to my Heavenly Father. I HOPE that my family can find the peace and comfort that I have found. I HOPE I can still be here for as long as Heavenly Father will let me be. I HOPE that I can endure my treatments without too many adverse side effects. I HOPE in my Savior, Jesus Christ, because through HIM, all things are possible.
And to tell you the truth, since my hope has changed, I am happier. I am enjoying the small and simple things. I am laughing and smiling again. I am happy. I have HOPE.
p.s. another reason why I am feeling happier is that I went shopping yesterday and got a new cute short wig. The picture at the top is the new wig. I feel so cute, and I actually like it a lot better than all of the crazy curls I had!!!! The hair is falling out like crazy right now, but that is post for another day.
I can honestly say that this last month have been very difficult. So many people commend me on my optimism and good attitude, but I have just been having a hard time feeling that way this last month. Words can not express the fear and frustration of knowing that I now have cancer in my brain. It's bad enough that I have cancer, but before I held out hope that having cancer metastasized to your bones couldn't kill you, and my lung lesion has stayed tiny, so I thought I was sitting pretty. It really threw me for a loop to know that I have a brain tumor, and brain tumors kill. So scary, so depressing, so difficult to deal with. I have been trying to find my happy place, and just can't quite seem to get there. I guess the stress and side effects of doing chemo again, plus the brain radiation with all that pain and discomfort, I am just trying to get back up off my butt and start walking this road one baby step at a time again. I am not superwoman. I am not happy and brave all the time. I cry. A lot. I still have faith, I just need to refocus it, and start acting on it.
As far as prognosis goes, and I am sure you are all wondering, we asked my oncologist, and he said that he thinks I should be here at least another year, and hopefully 2-3 more years. On one hand that sounds like a short time, but I can do a lot of living in that time. And who knows..... Maybe in a year or two there WILL be other treatments that can even extend my life longer.
My chemo treatments are already starting to kick my butt. My mouth has the most awful taste in it, and nothing tastes good. I have neuropathy beginning in my hands and feet already. As of now it is just the numbness and tingling, but I have the fun stinging shooting pain to look forward to. My hair is already starting to fall out. I had a big chunk of hair fall out last night. I think it was from the radiation dose as well as the chemo. So in the middle of the night, I am chopping at my hair trying to cover the bald spot in the back. Sheesh.
It is really frustrating when the treatments make you feel sicker than the actual disease.
Sorry to be such a downer. Just trying to keep it real, and let you all know that I am not perfect at having this cancer. I struggle, and fear, and doubt, and get mad, and occasionally I even let the words, "Why do I have to do this again??????" escape from my mouth.
I was sitting up feeling sorry for myself late last night. I was frustrated and somewhat discouraged because I have to go to battle against my cancer again. I thought, haven't I already done this!??? Why do I have to do it again???!!?!? This is just so hard, and some people just seem to have it so easy.
Suddenly the words to a favorite hymn of mine "Come, Come, ye Saints" came forcefully into my mind
"Why should we mourn, and think our lot is hard?
Tis not so! All is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward,
If we now shun the fight"
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take;
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell'
All is well! All is well!!
I felt like Heavenly Father was telling me to gather my courage, pick myself up by my bootstraps and do what I need to do. He will never forsake me, or leave me alone. He will be there every step of the way to give me strength, courage, comfort and hope!!!! My Savior, Jesus Christ, has suffered all so He can succor me through my challenges, illness, and heartaches.
I think of the pioneers and early saints and all of their sufferings and challenges. They were persecuted, and had to walk hundreds and hundreds of miles. I am so grateful that we have their diaries and records of what they endured. It brings me so much comfort to know of their faith and their testimony building trials. I hope as I share my "tale to tell" that I give some comfort to those who are journeying with me this cancer journey, and to my children if I am not here, and to others who may journey this path later on.
I also was reflecting on the last verse of this hymn:
"And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! all is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!"
Is death really such a bad thing" It is certainly a sad time. I know I miss my loved ones who have died. The closest relative I have lost is grandfather, but I have lost a couple of dear friends. My heart aches with loss, but my heart is also filled with gratitude, because I KNOW that they are in a better place, and they are free from suffering, and sorrow. I know that I will see them again. This life is such a short time. This life is not the end. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I will be with my family forever. And if I should die, I will still be here, not in body, but in spirit. I will still be there to comfort and guide my children and family. My actions and words in this life, and in this blog, can help them if I am not here to speak to them. I am working on scrapbooks full of my memories and advice for them. And I know that when I die, I will be reunited with many loved ones who have missed me as I have missed them.
Okay, I know that is a lot of focus on death, but I just needed to let everyone know how I stand on the subject of death. I am not afraid to die. The thought of not being here for my husband, children, and family breaks my heart. But I take great peace in the scriptures and at church, that all will be made right, Jesus promised that he would not leave us comfortless.
So, I am gonna gird up my loins, take some fresh courage, God will never forsake me, and All is well!!! All is well!!!
So, I have a 2 year old. I love him dearly. He is so much fun. But the last couple of weeks, um, not so much. He has decided that he has to do everything by-him-self. He wants to brush his own teeth, dress and undress by himself, climb up and down the toilet by himself (still working on that potty training thing), and if I dare try to help him, he answers with a shriek and yelling "NO, men do it!!!" (translate men to Ammon, his name) Then he has to start all over again to prove that he can do it.
I was quite frustrated this afternoon because Ammon kept wanting to go potty and then get his pants back on. It was taking FOREVER! Usually, I am like fine, whatever. I could do this so much quicker, but if you need your independence, fine. But then it was time to run Blake and Bekah to golf, and Ammon was insisting on doing it himself. I didn't have time to wait for him. We were going to be late!
I finally get his clothes put back on him, all the while he is kicking and screaming. Then it is time to get in the van. And what happens? Ammon wanted to climb in himself and buckle his own seatbelt. Well, he really has a hard time doing that, so I forcefully did it so we could get on our way.
As I was driving, I began to think about that. I was so frustrated because Ammon wanted to do things by himself that I could do so much easier. Because of his abilities in this point in his life, he is not very capable of doing certain things. He really would like to do these things by himself, but he just isn't physically able to do them.
And then it struck me. I am a 2 year old. I am insisting on doing things all by myself, even though I am not quite physically able to do them. Sure I can try really hard and push myself, but some things would just be easier if I let someone else do them. OF course I can take myself potty, and get dressed all by myself, but I need help in other things. Like having my house cleaned, having help with the kids, having dinner made for me (sweet 10 year old Bekah cooked dinner for us tonight.) I can do housework, it just takes me a long time, and causes a lot of pain. I can cook, but while undergoing chemo the smells of food is sometimes very unappealing, and it is hard to cook when nothing sounds good to eat, or when you are just plain tired or in pain.
So I need to step back, and accept help. But please understand that sometimes I do want to do things ALL by myself. I guess the wisdom would be balancing out what I NEED to do to feel needed and productive without totally exhausting myself. hmmmmm. Just something I have been thinking about.
I love Easter. I love spring. Usually when it is Easter the flowers are all blooming and it is beautiful, so I am sad that Easter is so early this year. I check my flowers outside every day and can't wait until they start blooming.
It is simply unbelievable that it has been 10 months since I was diagnosed with cancer, 5 months since I had my mastectomy and hysterectomy, and 2 months since I finished radiation. Time just keeps flying by. Everyday that I am here, and stable, is a blessing. I didn't know if I would live to see another spring, and I am so glad that I am still here.
We had a busy Saturday. We do all of our Easter Egg Hunts and parties on Saturday so we can focus on Jesus and the Resurrection on Sunday. Never before have I felt such a profoundly deep gratitude for the gift that Jesus gave to all of us. The promise of being resurrected as He was gives me so much hope. There have been several women who have passed away from breast cancer that I have gotten to know through the website breastcancer.org. It breaks my heart that they are separated from their loved ones, but I take comfort in my knowledge that families can be together forever. I wish that everyone could have that peace and comfort from that knowledge.
Happy Easter!
I have kind of had a bad week. I hate to complain when there are so many more out there that are so much worse off than I am.
I have had a sinus infection this last week, and then on Wednesday night my eardrum ruptured. Boy did that hurt. My ear has been draining infection since then, and it is quite gross. Loud noises (children) make it hurt more, so my sweet mother in law has taken the kids for the weekend. I am just so worn out and dog tired from radiation, it is hard to have energy to do anything. I hope to just rest and rejuvenate this weekend. I only have 1 more week of radiation. They will be doing what is called a boost this week, where they beam extra radiation along the mastectomy scar and where the tumor was. 25 treatments down, only 5 to go. Almost done!!! Then I will go in every 3 weeks for a triple dose of herceptin, instead of every week. My life may be able to return to normal soon!!!!!!!!
Then I feel so guilty for feeling sorry for myself. Last night we found out that a dear family friend, Kathy Blacker, passed away from esophageal cancer. Dan and I went to visit her on Monday, and I am so glad we did. We had such a good talk, and I am so glad I had the chance to give her a hug and tell her I love her. She has been battling cancer for more than a year, and I would see her periodically at Dr. Hansen's office where we both were receiving Taxol. Kathy was an amazing woman, and her attitude and strength was such a strength to me. She has been so sick for such a long time. She hasn't been able to eat and had a feeding tube. I am glad that her suffering is over, but my heart breaks for her family. I pray that they find strength and comfort at this difficult time.
I wonder sometimes, why chemo treatments work for some, and not for others. There have now been 2 people that I know who were battling cancers at the same time as me who have passed on. (plus there have been 2 others who I met at Dr.Hansen's office who were receiving treatment who have also died in the last couple of weeks.) I have had such a miraculous response to all of my treatments. I feel so guilty sometimes that the treatments have worked for me, and not for others. I know it is not in our hands, and that everything happens for a reason, suffering and trials, but I am having a hard time shaking the guilt that I feel. I know that it could be me someday, and I struggle with that thought. My heart breaks at the thought of dying and leaving my family and friends. I know that this life is not the end, and that there is an eternal life, but the separation from loved ones is never an easy thing.
I just pray that those who have cause to suffer and mourn may find comfort. I know we all have trials, and I hope that we can all help others bear their burdens, and show charity and love to those around us.  Here is a picture of how long my hair is now. Picture taken Jan 6th, 2008
 Let them eat cake!!! A dear lady in our stake, Jean Davis, brings us dinner on Tuesdays after my treatment day. This is the fabulous cake she made last week. Yum!
6 months ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Wow. I can't believe it has been that long. The days have drug on, but the weeks have flown by. I have grown so much during this time, and learned so much. It has been such a humbling and terrifying experience battling breast cancer. I heard a quote the other day. It was, Sometimes when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, they begin to die. Sometimes, they begin to live. I can tell you that is SO true. I try to live each day to the fullest, and be grateful for each day.
It has been a really long week. My kids have been sick with the stomach flu. I have cleaned up so much throw up, I just can't wait for everyone to be healthy. Luckily I haven't got it.
I am continuing to recover from surgery. Every day is better and better. I am still really tired and worn out (but that is also in part because I have been up with sick kids every night). I can't wait until I feel "normal" again. Whatever that ends up being!
A little more than week ago I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. With subsequent tests they have found that it is Stage 4 because it has spread to my bones and a tiny spot on my lung. I feel so blessed because of all of the inspiration and actions of others that hastened my diagnosis and got me in the care of Doctors who can heal me. Heavenly Father was truly looking out for me and guiding me to get the help I need. I have felt the love and concern of sisters in the gospel who I have never met before, but who listened to the promptings of the Spirit to get me the help that I need.
My doctor says that I have an excellent chance of going into remission. I will have 4-6 months of Chemotherapy, followed by a Mastectomy and then Radiation. My family and I have a long hard road ahead of us. A friend of ours quoted a scripture to us that says, “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” (1 Nephi 11:17)
I don’t understand why I have been given this trial, but I do know that my Savior will be there every step of the way to help me and my family get through this. I have already felt His love and His strength as I have gone through the many tests and biopsies. I have felt so blessed by the priesthood blessings that I have received. Through the Atonement, my Savior has already been through the pain and sorrow of this, and he will strengthen me so I can bear this trial, and not only get through it, but get through it well.
I had my Portacath placed on Thursday May 17th. I was sad that night because I knew that this whole long road of chemo and surgery had begun, and it was really real, and there was no going back. Life was different from now on. I felt quite heavy hearted.
The next morning while I was lying on the couch in pain and miserable from my surgery the day before, there was a knock on the door. My mom answered the door and was told by the sister there that there would be a couple of people working in the flower beds for a while, so if we looked outside and saw people in the yard, that is what was going on. A little while later when I looked out the window, I was amazed by the army of women (and a few men) working to transform my yard. There were more people than I could count! They were there for hours, and then later even more people came and brought bark and spread it around all of the flower beds. We will never be able to express how grateful we are!!! Thank you to everyone who helped!
Even in the midst of this terrible trial, I have never felt more loved or more blessed! That so many would give of their time to make my flower beds more beautiful than they have been in ages, I feel so humbled! Thank you so much! Dan has been so worried about the yard with the shift of household responsibilities to him. You have lifted his burden so much! Words seem so trite, but we are so grateful!
We are amazed at the outpouring of love we have felt from the phone calls, meals already brought, and all of the offers of help. It makes me think of the scripture Mosiah 24:14-15 “14. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
“15. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid… were made light; yea the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
There have been so many stories of afflictions and trials that people have suffered through in the scriptures and church history. My trial is so much easier that what so many others have gone through. I don’t know why, but I know that Heavenly Father does, and that this is His plan, and that he will cause many more wonderful things to happen through this trial. I pray that I can be an example and that someday I will be able to serve others the way that others have so unselfishly been serving me and my family. Thank you so much once again for all of your prayers and kindnesses. We love you all and are so grateful!
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