I have had a difficult time feeling like I want to write anything for my blog.  I am so grateful to Dan for his last couple of posts.  I am glad that he wrote such touching posts, and I am amazed that he did it all on his own.  

The reason it has been difficult to write, is that I have been hesitant to share what has really been going on with my cancer and treatment.  So it is confession time.

2 months ago, after much researching, praying, talking with counselors, doctors, and family, we came to the realization that chemotherapy was no longer a viable option.  I was so deathly ill from doing 9 months of various chemos, and all the test results kept coming back that that the chemos were not working.  I had no quality of life, and I felt like I was just wasting the time I had left chasing after treatments that were killing me, and not the cancer.  We decided that the time had come to stop chemotherapy, and change from aggressive care to palliative care.  

I have had hospice care for the last 2 months.  It is truly a miracle how much better I feel now that I am no longer poisoning my body with toxic chemicals in hope of having a longer life.  I was not living while I was on chemo.  All I did was sleep and feel miserable all the time.  With my new hospice Doctor and Nurses I feel so much better.  They are so on top of keeping me pain free and comfortable.  I am able to do so much more, and feel so much better.  It has been a great decision.  I am still going to have monthly Zometa infusions to keep my bones from breaking as the cancer progresses.  We also have a social worker who has been visiting weekly with me and the kids.  He always brings a fun activity that gets the kids talking about how they are feeling.  He also has been a great sounding board for me, and has helped me deal with the gamut of emotions that I have been dealing with.  With this hospice team in place, they are taking wonderful care of all of our needs.

At first when I stopped chemotherapy, I really struggled emotionally.  It was so difficult to feel like I was giving up.  It is still hard to think about dying, but I feel mostly at peace.  I am enjoying every minute, and we have been cherishing the good times.  We are happy and at peace.  I know that my life is in Heavenly Father's hands, and that He will preserve my life for as long as I need to be here.  I don't need treatments of men to prolong my life.  I know that I will be here for as long as I am supposed to be.   I trust that my Heavenly Father is taking care of me, and we are at peace.

I have read several books  these past couple months about death and dying, life after life, and about hospice stories.  This knowledge has brought peace to my heart, and a small part of me looks forward to what comes next after life.  I know that I will still be here for my family, and that I will have an active role in their life.  I know that I will still be there for all of their weddings, graduations, baptisms, births of grandchildren, and family events.  I know that the life after this one is glorious and wonderful, and that I will be with my loved ones who have gone on before.  

I have one request from all of my dear friends and family.  We are at peace with my decision to no longer fight my cancer.  I don't need to hear about this miracle diet, and that Doctor that can cure cancer in Mexico, or this new chemo trial or drug..  My destiny is not to have my cancer cured.  We understand that, and it is okay.  I have done all that I could physically endure to fight my cancer, and I have no fight left in me.  And that is okay.  I fought hard, and I won so many battles.  It is a miracle that it has been 2 years, and I am still here.  I am eternally grateful for every day of that 2 years.  I have been blessed, and I am continually blessed every day.  Life is still good.

Kellie Graham
6/23/2009 05:30:21 am

In the two months since you stopped chemo and since I retired from my job, I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch you live and watch you continue to fight. I have not seen you give up. Each time I have come to play I have seen you fight many things that are a little less often associated with an illness like terminal cancer. I have seen you fight the many emotions that would have you surrender to bitterness and anger stealing your joy and peace. I have seen you fight fatigue and pain as you participate in the joys of childlike summer activities such as flying a kite and playing in the water or taking time to care for the flowers in your yard that you love so much. Your cancer and its many companions never sleep, but you dear sister are absolutely relentless. I am greatful for all of your hospice friends and for their dilligence in taking care of you and managing the pain to a resonable level, so that you can more fully enjoy your sweet babies and my brother. You have not given up, you continue to fight and you LIVE. I love you, Kellie

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6/23/2009 06:34:44 am

I love you Amber! Thank you for being a sweet example to me. Thank you for helping me make every day count and to remember that everyday really is a blessing. Thank you for sharing your testimony and faith.

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Dawn
6/23/2009 07:59:44 am

I love you!

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6/23/2009 09:46:23 am

I am a stranger and came across your blog. You are an inspiration. I pray for a peaceful and pain free time now while on hospice. May you enjoy your family and be supported and loved by everyone close to you, you deserve it. Your blog is very inspirational and I wish you only the best. May you feel an overwhelming peace now that your decision is made....God bless...

Amber from California

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Tonya
6/23/2009 12:39:23 pm

What an inspiration you are, Amber!
The first time I met you was at the big ol' Perry 4th of July celebration just after you were diagnosed. I remember watching you as you chatted with a friend about all you had going on in your life and I was to touched..... touched to see how well you were handling things...touched to see how sweet you were with your kids, especially the baby...and touched at how sweet Dan was to you.

I have quietly watched your grace and courage for the past two years and was thrilled to see that you will be receiving an award for this years 4th of July. It couldn't go to a nicer, more deserving person. Our prayers continue to be with you and your family.

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Trish
6/23/2009 01:36:35 pm

Amber,

Thank you for sharing your journey. I read your blog often and am inspired by you and your family. Your husband obviously loves you and his family so much.

I will continue to pray for you and you help my faith become stronger and the world become brighter. You are awesome!

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barb
6/24/2009 04:31:32 am

Amber,

I think of you often and remember our "radiation days"... you are an amazing woman and I wish you only peace and to be free of any pain you may be in...Your family is beautiful!
Barb from Tampa

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Marci
6/24/2009 09:27:38 am

Amber,

I am glad you are at peace with your decision and take peace in your words as someday I may have to find that same peace with my Mom. Thank you for all your inspiriation and thoughts to us all!

Marci

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Jamie Hadfield
6/24/2009 02:19:17 pm

Dear Amber...
I just want you to know that I love you. You have been dealt a trial beyond comprehension. I wish I could take away your pain, physically and emotionally. I don't get to see you often, but not a day goes by that I don't think of you multiple times during the course of the day. Feel at peace. I know there is beauty and joy ahead for ALL of us. Love, Jamie

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bc.org sister
6/25/2009 04:49:40 am

blessings, amber. they are all yours.

may you enjoy every moment with your wonderful forever family today and in to eternity.

your ability to cull what is important in this life is beyond inspiring.

the wind will always be in your sails.

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6/25/2009 04:51:52 am

Dearest Amber-

You are truly an inspiration to so many of us that don't really know you but do, only through your blog.
You have a beautiful family, so loving and caring.

I pray that Hospice keeps you pain free to enjoy the memories you are still making with your children and Dan.

I'm happy that you are at peace and wish you all of God's many blessings.

Godspeed,
Vita Jankowski
Jersey Shore

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Monica
6/25/2009 05:19:05 am

Dear Amber,
I don't see your choice as giving up at all, it is just a change in direction. What matters the most is that you are at peace with your decision.

I'm so pleased to hear of all the lovely times you are able to enjoy now that you are not feeling unwell from treatments.

Thank you, again, for sharing your journey with us. You and your loving family are in my heart and prayers.

Much love,
Monica

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6/25/2009 04:09:45 pm

Amber,
You just put everything into perspective for me. I'm almost done with my cancer battle and the prognosis is good. I still whine about cancer every once in a while, so your post made me feel that if you can have a good attitude then I certainly can. I've been following your blog for a while and I want to say thanks. Thanks for your attitude and your unfailing optimism. It means a lot to me. Good luck and cherish the time you have left with your family.

Take Care,
Kara Herron
www.foobbabe.blogspot.com

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Melanie G
6/26/2009 10:10:11 am

Amber-

You are often in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to know you and Dan. You have been a great example to me and I want to be a better person because of you. May you be blessed with peace and comfort at this time. Love you.

Melanie Grimaud

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6/27/2009 02:46:09 am

Bless you. I think of you often and pray for you and your family. Your kids are so dang cute! They are so lucky to have a mom like you. You are doing everything right.

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Vickie H
6/29/2009 12:06:56 am

I'm going to refer back to one of the hymns that touched you because I was thinking of the same hymn shortly before I read you're blog.
"And should we die before our journey's through, happy day, All is well! We then are free from toil and sorrow to. With the just, we shall dwell." (Now from another verse) "We'll (You'll) make the air with music ring; shout praises to our God and King! Above the rest, these words we'll tell; All is well! All is well!!! "
I had a cousin who lost her husband to cancer husband in his twenties. She knew he had bone cancer before they got married, but they both had such peace in Heavenly Father's plan that they had the faith to still start their family here on earth. She was able to have two children before he passed away. My mother and I provided the music at the funeral so I was facing the congregation as they stood and sang, "Come, Come Ye Saints." My cousin was looking upward, smiling, glowing, and singing with such peace and testimony. 5 years later she was killed in a plane crash. The two boys are now grown, married men, with strong testimonies. I'm so grateful to know your children are getting counciling. Everything is in place. Be at peace. You fought valiantly and respectfully. Again, thanks for the great example and Dan, you are also such a jewel. You will all continue to be blessed eternally. I am so thankful!
Love you, Vickie

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Mike E
6/29/2009 03:52:58 am

Thank you so much for sharing your journey. When we all signed up for our time here on this earth I'm sure that we were so confident that we could face our given obstacles with faith and courage. You and Dan have shown us all how to face those trials with faith, love, and dedication. I can not express in words what your families’ friendship has meant to me and my family.

I have been touched by your willingness to share your journey with everyone. You are an inspiration to so many. You are an example of what it means to persevere and I have thought so many times that, 'If Amber can face her hard challenges so gallantly, then I can face my small trials'. Thank you for touching our lives.

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Kimberly Mahowald
6/29/2009 03:11:28 pm

I am glad to hear this update. I pray for you as you and your family live and love and survive. I am hoping to see you around for a long time.
I met you at BCO and I am better for having to "known" you.

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Kristen
7/1/2009 03:47:42 am

You are my HERO! Thanks for your example and friendship!!!!!!

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Stefanie
7/4/2009 12:29:15 am

Dear Amber,
I met you on bc.org back in October when I was diagnosed with Stage IV. I have been reading your blogs ever since and you and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. As I get very sad and angry and I just don't understand why such a wonderful family is torn apart by this horrible disease I look at you as such an inspiration. Your faith in God is amazing and I try very hard just have a little more faith and feel like you do.
Thank you for sharing your story .My prayers and kind thoughts are with you and your sweet family.

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Bonnie Gg08
7/4/2009 01:31:35 pm

Dear Amber,
I too met you on breastcancer.org and your thread you started with everyone sharing their IBC stories has been still going and so many women read it. I've missed you on the forum and just thought to go to your signature line website (this one).

At some point, I know I will have to make this same decision you have and hope that I make it with as much dignity and grace.

I tell my family & friends that at some point I will see it as fighting God's will, not giving up my fight, but accepting His will.

Prayers for you my friend and your lovely family & support group from me & mine. -Bonnie
(bc.org Gg08=God is good)

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Holly
7/5/2009 01:27:05 am

Amber,
You are amazing. Thank you for your loving example. I pray that you will continue to feel the love and peace of our Heavenly Father. You are an Angel.... Love, Holly

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Sue
7/5/2009 05:45:30 am

Amber , you are in my thoughts still, I just love to come hear and read , and look at your wonderful children . Dan is a fantastic man... wow and all your church helpers... makes the world a nicer place... much love ... Sue x x x

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Marie
7/5/2009 08:58:36 am

Amber you are the most amazing person. I agree with Dan when he said, "that everyone loves Amber. " You are the kind of person that draws people towards them and makes them feel wondreful about themselves and their lives. We love you and your family and pray for you to have peace. Love you Marie

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bubbb
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7/6/2009 05:44:11 am

Special invitation to all breast cancer bloggers. This month the Being Cancer Book Club is reading “The Adventures of Cancer Bitch” by S. L. Wisenberg, “witty and relentless, surprising and honest. Wisenberg has walked through the Valley of Cancer and she is willing to tell all; this is a cornucopia of breast cancer information as well as a very smart, funny read from an excellent writer."—Audrey Niffenegger, author, The Time Traveler’s Wife.
Book discussions are in Mondays’ posts. Take care, Dennis

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7/7/2009 10:12:07 am

Amber,
Your writing, at each stage of your illness, continues to be an inspiration. Your "Confession.." post has been selected as one of this week's Guest Posts at www.beingcancer.net. I included two links to your site as well as a link to the post. The thoughts and prayers of our blogging community go out to you and your family

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9/25/2012 06:21:51 pm

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10/4/2012 04:14:08 pm

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