Getting better, one day at a time.

9/4/2008

17 Comments

 

I can honestly say that this last month have been very difficult.  So many people commend me on my optimism and good attitude, but I have just been having a hard time feeling that way this last month.  Words can not express the fear and frustration of knowing that I now have cancer in my brain.  It's bad enough that I have cancer, but before I held out hope that having cancer metastasized to your bones couldn't kill you, and my lung lesion has stayed tiny, so I thought I was sitting pretty.  It really threw me for a loop to know that I have a brain tumor, and brain tumors kill.  So scary, so depressing, so difficult to deal with.  I have been trying to find my happy place, and just can't quite seem to get there.  I guess the stress and side effects of doing chemo again, plus the brain radiation with all that pain and discomfort, I am just trying to get back up off my butt and start walking this road one baby step at a time again.  I am not superwoman.  I am not happy and brave all the time.  I cry.  A lot.  I still have faith, I just need to refocus it, and start acting on it. 
As far as prognosis goes, and I am sure you are all wondering, we asked my oncologist, and he said that he thinks I should be here at least another year, and hopefully 2-3 more years.  On one hand that sounds like a short time, but I can do a lot of living in that time.  And who knows.....  Maybe in a year or two there WILL be other treatments that can even extend my life longer. 
    My chemo treatments are already starting to kick my butt.  My mouth has the most awful taste in it, and nothing tastes good.  I have neuropathy beginning in my hands and feet already.  As of now it is just the numbness and tingling, but I have the fun stinging shooting pain to look forward to.  My hair is already starting to fall out.  I had a big chunk of hair fall out last night.  I think it was from the radiation dose as well as the chemo.  So in the middle of the night, I am chopping at my hair trying to cover the bald spot in the back.  Sheesh. 
It is really frustrating when the treatments make you feel sicker than the actual disease.
Sorry to be such a downer.  Just trying to keep it real, and let you all know that I am not perfect at having this cancer.  I struggle, and fear, and doubt, and get mad, and occasionally I even let the words, "Why do I have to do this again??????"   escape from my mouth. 

17 Comments
Helen
9/4/2008 11:48:56 pm

Amber,
I am so sorry you are suffering. This is a horrible disease and you need to stay strong for this fight. Please keep in mind that people are thinking about you and praying for you even though we do not know each other. We have a common bond in wanting to beat IBC.

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Trisha
9/5/2008 05:31:50 am

Amber, I was so happy to see you add the caveat about additional treatment in the meantime. I am a BC sister and was diagnosed shortly after the discovery of herceptin. Being HER+, without the herceptin I would have been doing nothing but counting days. There are discoveries going on all the time. We just have to keep remind ourselves that there was a day when polio was not curable - and someone discovered the vaccine. Every day you are here is one day longer that some wonderful treatment will be discovered. Please keep that hope.

God bless.

Trisha

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Kellie Graham
9/5/2008 09:03:48 am

Amber,

Thanks for keeping it real. I think that is awesome. Some days you fake it til you make it, but sometimes it is to big and you have to let let loose. People tell me all the time how inspirational and strong, optimistic, and happy you and Dan are and I tell them you better beleive it , but that doesn't mean it isn't tuff and that you don't get upset, angry, or sad sometimes. You've got some serious grit and I am proud of you. I have complete faith in you and I am sure you will find your happy place. I am greatful that you are willing to share your experiences with everyone.

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orli
9/5/2008 10:46:08 pm

Hey Amber! NONE of us think you are a Super woman...we are all proud of you and blessed by you and rooting for you and many of us who are praying for you KNOW that it is Him...and then when we are weak, He is able to be strong in you as His strength is made perfect in weakness. Make your focus Him, Amber. Others went before us, but I know you know all of this already. My battle is nothing compared to your, yet, and I still find myself feeling 'enough already!' at times. Just know that there are SO many of us rooting for you, praying for you and loving you...and that IS a bit wierd, seeing I (for one) live half way around the world from you! (although I USED to live in Alaska!)
God bless and comfort and strengthen you and your family, one day at a time, all the way! Love you, Orli

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Heather
9/6/2008 11:09:28 am

Sometimes I just can't bare it!! I don't know how you can be so wonderful! I wish I could be more like you. More positive, more patient, more optimistic, more humble, more service full etc.. your kids are so lucky to have you as a mother and they will be so grateful to have this blog.

I feel so helpless. I want you to know that I am always thinking of you and even if I don't call I want to or am thinking about it but I don't want to wake you up if you FINALLY got to sleep or if you just really don't to talk to someone again about how you feel.

I went to David's uncles viewing today, notice I did not say funeral because he is actually going to be cremated and scattered in Yellowstone, whatever! This was so incredibly hard for me. I tried so hard not to think of the future and having to go through this when your time comes and my heart was just breaking. Everyone was probably wondering who the emotional blond was and how she was related and why it was so hard to lose Monte. It will be such a good time for you though with your new eternal life and no more pain and suffering. David's uncle was diagnosed with brain cancer and there was not much they could do to keep him around for very long but I think you have lived your life more than he did in all of his 65+ years because you have given so much of yourself to so many people. You have lived and will continue to live an inspirational life.

I love you and am more than lucky to have you as a sister. We are all so lucky to be close siblings, many families don't have that. Keep fighting and we'll keep praying. I am here whenever you need me, don't ever hesitate to call on me. You are more important than my school stuff any day!!!!

Love, Heather

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Audrey Hatch
9/10/2008 02:03:39 am

Amber,
I don't know if we have ever met. Dan and I were friends in college and he was in the same fraternity as my husband Chris. Dan sent me a note on Facebook and included your blog. First let me say that you are a lucky lady to have Dan as your husband and father of your children. He is such a great man and has a wonderful personality. I always remember how kind and condsiderate he was and I am sure still is. Second, your children are beautiful and look so happy. Third, you must be an amazing wife and mother, you have 5!!!

A good friend of ours lost a battle to cancer this last April. He was our hometeacher when we first moved to Texas. His daily blogs were a huge inspiration to literally thousands, I thought you might want to read some of his thoughts. I included the link to his caring bridge website. He fought a good fight as I am sure you are doing.

Our prayers will be with you and your sweet family. Please consider me a friend. Even though I live in Texas, if there is anything my husband and I can do for you and your family, we will be so happy. Please don't hesitate to ask.

Audrey

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/richlloyd

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