To start off, I thought I would give a quick status update. I had some really bad pain issues these past few weeks. I had some new pain down my back, which was nerve pain that caused pain all the way down my leg into my foot. I was suffering the most since I went on hospice. Finally on Monday I was feeling better. My nurse and doctor worked daily adjusting medicines and doses to try to relieve my pain. I am so glad they were successful. I was worried to have new pain, and it is discouraging to know that the cancer is growing and spreading and getting worse.
Because I am on hospice, I can no longer have scans done to see where and how much the cancer is growing.. The assumption is that the cancer IS growing and it will eventually get to the point where it kills me. Hospice's role is to keep me comfortable while this happens, not prevent it from happening. When I stopped chemo, I felt guilty. I thought maybe I should research different trial drugs or something. I felt that choosing to quit chemo was choosing to die. Dan always says that deciding to do chemo is not necessarily deciding to live, because the chemo may not work and you die anyway. Or, the chemo does damage to your liver and heart (like it was doing to me) and you die quicker. Choosing not to continue chemo is not choosing to die either. I did not choose to get cancer, so choosing not to poison myself to maybe slow down the cancer or shrink it, is not choosing to die. The only choice I have is how I live each day I have. How I choose to treat those around me, how to make every day count. That is all any of us have. Life is not guaranteed. I realized this again when a dear friend of ours died suddenly from blood clots after having knee surgery. He was only 41 years old. How grateful I am to KNOW that I am dying, and to have the time to prepare. I don't think I will ever be ready. How could I be ready to leave my friends, family, and my children. Ugh. Sorry for be such a downer!
28 Comments
Kristy Edgington
8/16/2009 09:35:34 am
Dear Amber,
Lori Monson
8/16/2009 10:08:34 am
Amber, I hope the coming week continues to bring you relief from the new pain. I really enjoyed the art project with your amazing family this summer. You have incredible kids that are so intelligent, and talented. They are fun to work with and listen to. Love ya bunches, Aunt Lori
Sharon Fairbourn
8/16/2009 01:54:13 pm
You are amazing. You have a wonderful family, because you are a wonderful mother. Brittney is very blessed to have a friend like Beccah. I am so lucky to have you as a neighbor. You have had to make a lot of choices that most of us can't even imagine facing. you have faced them with courage and faith. You are an example to all of us. Please let me know if we can help you in anyway.
Jamie Hadfield
8/17/2009 01:16:36 am
None of us will ever understand the turmoil of decision making that you've been through the last few years. You have fought, Amber. I think you've given it everything you've got. Don't doubt yourself. I know you must feel, in some ways, scared to death of dying, just as I do, whenever that time should come. I just have to have faith that things on the other side must be WONDERFUL or else it wouldn't justify a young mother being able to be away from her children. Love you loads, Jamie
Sharon Fairbourn
8/17/2009 02:46:39 am
I was thinking about you this morning when I was running. I was thiking about all the choices you have had to make and all that you and your family have had to face. I had this thought I thought I would share with you. You have prayed, fasted and listened to the spirit, made good decisions and you have done all that you can possibly do to cure your cancer. You have not chosen to die you have now put your life in the Lord's hands after doing all you could do, And like Sister Hirschi always reminds me, "In the Lord's hands is the best place to be."
Melanie Grimaud
8/17/2009 02:56:46 pm
Amber- 8/19/2009 10:44:05 am
I appreciate your zest for life and your inner strength. I know that our Lord, Jesus Christ will be waiting to greet you with open arms. 8/21/2009 08:05:09 am
Amber, praying for a pain-free day for you.
Katie and Scott Chase
8/21/2009 01:02:15 pm
Don't ever think you are a downer. Even when you are being sincere about your fear of dying or feeling not ready, or feeling guilty for stopping chemo. You are one of the most inspiring, lifting, "UP" people we have ever known. It's amazing, not depressing, to learn from your experiences and feelings and from your example. We sure love you!
Kathleen McCraw
8/23/2009 08:51:32 am
Amber .. I have thought about you so often. I pray to our Heavenly Father that you can remain pain-free. I'm happy you are feeling better. You have and continue to touch so many lives and are so loved. I first met you on BCO. I shall pray for miracles.
LuAnn - from breastcancer.org
8/23/2009 02:27:33 pm
Amber, you are not quitting or giving up for not choosing to do chemo. You are making a choice that is in the best interest of YOU. We all have to look at ourselves, out lives situations and make the choice on how to handle this awful disease. It is not a battle which is a term that is often used about it. Cancer is a disease, it is not something we brought upon ourselves, it is simply a disease. When you are faced with this disease that grows in our body you have to look deep in your soul and do what is best for you. I admire you and think you are so much stronger than me. I am taking the treatment for my cancer because I am afraid to die. My faith is not strong enough to not be afraid of the glory of what is waiting for me after I leave this earth. That makes you a much stronger woman than me and I really admire you. Thank you for talking with me during that scrapbooking show, thank you for becoming my friend. I always think about you and pray for you.. On a lighter note, the pain you were experincing sounds like the siatica that I deal with daily. Take care and stop in and say hi occassionally!
Elsa Zell
8/24/2009 04:41:44 pm
I came across your blog , by no chance I truely believe the Lord wanted me to see it, Thank-you a true example of the Lord's work, You are a blessing in every sense of the word
Shannon Tuke
8/25/2009 03:40:48 pm
Thanks for your courage. I enjoy feeding my faith with your words.
Carol Pyle
8/30/2009 12:23:08 pm
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Tracy Rose
10/29/2012 04:13:12 am
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Tracy Rose
10/29/2012 04:13:25 am
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