Just more ramblings....

1/11/2009

18 Comments

 

Let me just start this post by saying I am sick of cancer.  I am sick of chemo.  And I am sick of being sick.  Even though this last week was an off chemo week, I was still very tired all week, and wasn't able to do much.  I am really struggling emotionally, I have feelings of depression, anger, and hopelessness.  I wish that I didn't have cancer, and that I could just have a normal life.  All I have ever wanted to do is be a wife and mother, serve in church and serve others, share my talents etc.  Now all I do is lay around sick all the time.  I struggle with feeling bitter about what my life is now.  Then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  Having cancer is a never ending roller coaster. Sometimes I feel up, and hopeful, but then there are the low valleys that are dark and full of despair.  Part of me really wants to just quit chemo and be done with it.  I hate taking the chemo, and being sick, and I don't even know if it is working.  I wish I could see some improvement, but all of my cancer areas are the same.  I don't know if the chemo is buying me more time, or if it is just destroying the quality of the time I have left.  It is so frustrating and agonizing. 
     The highlight of my week was on Thursday when Dan & I were able to go out to dinner with another couple who are battling IBC.  Janeal was diagnosed with IBC 6 months ago, and goes to the same oncologist as me.  We spent 4 and half  hours  with them, laughing, crying, and sharing our experiences.  What a blessing it was to spend time with people who know EXACTLY what we are going through.  They have so many of the same thoughts, fears, worries, struggles etc.  I am so grateful for the miracle that brought us together.  I hope this is okay with Janeal, but I thought I would share her website:  www.jsfight.blogspot.com  She is amazing, and a lot stronger than I am.  She is also battling Thyroid cancer at the same time.    She is younger like me, and has 3 small children.  Her and her husband Bruce are just amazing. 
   Anyway, I am sorry to be so down, but I need to be honest.  This blog is my journal of my battle with cancer, and it needs to be real and honest.   So after I am gone, my family can have an accurate knowledge of me and my battle with cancer.   I'm not always strong and faithful, I have doubts and anger, and I need to be honest in sharing that.  Thank you for bearing with me, reading my ramblings, and hopefully you all won't think less of me after reading this.

18 Comments
jan horn
1/11/2009 06:50:31 am

Never in a million years would anyone think less of you. And if they do, well let them take your trial for a time and see how they would feel. You are amazing for sharing your true thoughts and feelings, none of us are perfect but we can be made perfect throught the atonement of Christ He is the perfect example. I would not be as courageous as you and all the other people out there with this thing called cancer. I cannot fathom how you get through a day and what it would be like to be so sick all the time and have that be my life with a family. You truly give others hope and the truth, that this is not an easy thing for you, and that this is hard at times. Thank you for being you. Thank you for all you do for others that read this, you are making a difference to them and serving them, you truly are still serving and building up the kingdom, don't forget that. All my love to you and your family. You are AMAZING.

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Melanie G
1/11/2009 11:47:11 am

I'm glad you were able to spend time with someone who totally "gets" what you are going through. Don't feel bad at all for keeping this blog REAL. There is no way anybody could go through all that you have and not have the feelings you described. my thoughts and prayers are with you...

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Shauna S
1/11/2009 03:43:21 pm

I think of you often and hope and pray things are going better. I'm so sorry that things have gotten worse. My heart breaks every time I read your blog. You have every right to have down days. Most of us would have probably given up a long time ago. Your UP days far out way your DOWN days. Your BLOG is who you are and who you have become. That's what makes you so amazing. You have no idea, the many lives that you have touched ! You don't realize how strong a person really is until you see them at their weakest moment. You are an Inspiration to all. Thanks for touching the lives of so many. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

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Kristen
1/11/2009 11:23:51 pm

Amber.....
I am sorry.....I know my Mom really struggled with the inability to keep doing and being a part. You are such a doer and so busy I can't imagine how hard it is for you to sit by.
I read Elder Holland's talk on The ministry of Angels.....He says He testifies of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. I know I have had angels bear me up and I know you would testify to the same. I will pray that the angels will be round about you and strengthen and comfort you my dear friend. Hang in there.......Kristen

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Carol Pyle
1/11/2009 11:43:21 pm

Amber,
Thank you for being REAL. We all seem to be struggling with our own trials. You don't know how many times in a day I think of you and I say to myself..."if Amber can smile so can I". You help me get through my down times. I wish I could take away some of the pain and sickness. It just isn't easy.
I heard Beka did well in the spelling bee. What a joy!
Keep the faith!
Love, Carol

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Ann link
1/12/2009 10:08:57 am

Amber,
Down days are ok. It's what makes the good days even sweeter. Remember your Savior is with you. And of course we are all on your side. I know I haven't done much to help but I am here for you. I keep you and your family in my prayers constantly. We love you. Ann

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Jeanel link
1/12/2009 12:39:05 pm

Amber,
Thanks for the night out. My heart breaks to know that we share these deep pains. It is hard to accept life as it is when all we want is the righteous desires our hearts. I too just want my life back. I want to wake up from this never-ending nightmare so that I can be the wife and mother I once was. Please know how much I admire your strength, faith, and perservance. Jesus is the Christ and some how, some way, all of our experiences will be made right. Our joy will be even greater than this pain. And until then, we appreciate those moments of peace and reassurance that come from Above.

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Denise in Ontario
1/12/2009 11:23:16 pm

Amber you are an inspiration to so many people. You wouldn't be a normal human being if you were not having these feelings. It just goes to show how sharp you are. The chemo obviously hasn't sapped one teensy weensy bit of your spirit, intelligence, humanity, passion. You are lucky that you have faith to comfort you. Please remember how much you mean to so many people out there - people that you have never met or spoken to. I can understand what you mean about the treatment. I am doing fine these days but I told my kids that if this happens to me again, I will not seek anymore treatment, and they respect my decision.

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trisha
1/12/2009 11:41:03 pm

Amber I feel the need to correct only one thing in your post. Nobody is stronger than you are.

I will pray for you that better days are ahead!

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