As I sit here Christmas Eve, I am reflecting on all of the trials and blessings of this last year.  Honestly, I did not believe I would live to see another Christmas.  It has been a bittersweet Christmas season.   I usually love everything about Christmas, I go crazy decorating the house, listen to Christmas carols, go Christmas shopping, enjoy seeing Christmas lights etc.  I feel like Christmas has just skipped me by.  Our house has only a Christmas Tree and a Nativity.  Usually I wrap garlands on railings, and I have totes and totes of Christmas decorations.  I didn't put any of it up at all.  I haven't sent out my homemade Christmas cards with our family photo, like I do every year (even last year!)  I didn't make Christmas treats for our friends and neighbors.  No token gifts for friends and family members.  
     I guess it is not a bad thing to not get caught in all of the trappings of Christmas, but it comes down to I simply miss the way things used to be.  I have had time to focus on what my life consists of now, and it kind of depresses me.  Being sick and miserable from chemo seem to make the depression feel worse.  I have been fighting the constant thought in my head that I am worthless.  I can't cook, or clean, or decorate for Christmas, I can't shop, I don't go hardly anywhere ever, except the doctor.  I feel lazy as I spend day after day in bed, barely doing anything besides basic care of myself and children.  I feel guilty, even though I know that I am not lazy, just sick but it frustrates me because I can't be what I used to be.  
    That dreary part aside, I am grateful that I am still here for Christmas.  I may not be able to cook and clean, but Dan reminds me that I can still give love and share of myself.  
     I am always so touched by the spirit of Christ, but especially at Christmas.  We are reminded and feel of the love of Christ each and every day as so many of our family and friends follow His example in love, charity, and spirit of Christ.  We feel that wonderful joyous feeling of giving that everyone feels at Christmas all the time.  We are so blessed.  I love my family so much.  I am grateful for each and every one of them.  My husband and children are the best gifts I could ever receive.   I love my parents and siblings, and I am so blessed to have such a close caring relationship with them.  We spent Christmas Eve with our family, and it was fun, even though I had chemo yesterday.  I just enjoy every time we are able to get together and make more memories.  I forgot my camera so if Emily or Heather or Dad is reading this, PLEASE send me so photos via email!!!!!
    Merry Christmas to you all.  Thank you for all you do for us.  Dan and I were speaking about how the windows of heaven have been opened unto us, and we don't have room to receive all of the blessings we receive.  It is overwhelming how blessed we are, even though and maybe because of our trials.  Thank you thank you!  May each and everyone of you feel the spirit of Christ and the love of family and friends!  God bless you all!!!!!!

P.S. Our trip to California and Disneyland was magical and wonderful!   (I fully plan on sharing all of the fun with pictures on of these days!)  However since we returned home I had to begin my Xeloda chemo pills and I have pretty much been too sick and fatigued to get on the computer much.  I just barely got my camera out of my unpacked suitcase for Christmas.  So once things die down after tomorrow, I plan on getting some pictures and blogging done about the trip.

12/25/2008 03:38:04 pm

wow. your post on Christmas eve and the feelings of worthlessnes you expressed got me thinking. Aren't we women all the same. No matter what good we are doing, no matter what our cicumstances are we can always find a reason to be down on ourselves.

I too feel that worthlessness at times. However when I read your words I couldn't help but think you of all people! you are doing so much! Your life and your trial with cancer has touched so many people. I ran the 5K in Perry and saw the great service people were allowed to perform that day. I brought a meal to your home overa a year ago and was touched by the great spirit I felt in your home and by the gratitude of your family. you are doing and goign through more than almost anyone else I know right now and believe me to all who read this and have felt the immense spirit you have brought to all our lives you are not Worthless.

I hope I don't sound like I am chastising.

This Christmas has found us in Alaska. We moved her Dec 15. 10 days before Christmas. All of my totes are on a truck somewhere on the AL-canadian HWy. I accidently forgot half of one of my son's presents and the movers packed them too while the rest got sent ahead to meet us in AK. We are in ahotel unitl we find a house. We are 3000 miles away from family including the 16 cousins who are my kids' best friends and they are at Grandma's.

Trust me when I say I have felt worthless too this season.

But I too rounded that corner as I see you did by the end of your post. We are a family. We are the eternal unit that was started in the temple as my husband and i took on sacred covenants. we are the unit htat is getting through this difficult lon transition together and the Lord is with us every step of the way.

i feel a tiny glimpse of the blessings you and Dan have been bestowed and by that I did not mean the physical blessings of meals and 5Ks. I mean the knowledge and teachings that you have been privileged to have come upon you nad yoru house. You ahve felt the absolute power of Truth and of God's eternal love for you and your family. that is awesome.

You are awesome!

So thank you for letting us into your life that we may feel a bit of that spirit too. thank you.

Sharon Fairboun
12/26/2008 12:25:32 pm

I have never dealt with anything even close to what you are dealing with. I have had times in my life when I have been confined to my bed and the amount of work I can and should perform has been limited by my ablility and by a doctor's orders and mentally that is a very hard place to be. I just had to my little note that you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You have wonderful kids, because of they have good parents for an example. More specifically an excellent Mother, who has been given a trial that most of us could not bear. I have learned so much from you and your positive attitude, and you unfortunately are having a very human moment. Hang in there. You are truely an example and inspiration to all of us. Please let me know if I can help in anyway.

Susan from
12/27/2008 12:58:20 am

I think about you so much and wish you a day of just feeling like your old self. This site was sent to me and I was wondering if it could give you some peace and comfort.

http://www.prayerfo rthenations. com/prayergarden /flash.htm

Katie Eyster
12/28/2008 12:21:01 pm

Amber, Dan and Family,

Remember me? My dad told me about your situation when I came down for Christmas last week. It broke my heart to hear that one of my favorite families in Utah was hit with such a hard mountain to climb. I just read some of your blogs and I wasn't surprised to see how strong all of you have been. Your kids' support with the run shows me they got some of their parents' kind-heartedness.

Brother Chase is sort of my childhood hero from when he "rescued" me with my dad that Easter a few years back. Im still awed at how well he is dealing with your illness.

Even though I'm far away and haven't seen you in a long time, know that I love and miss you all. I haven't prayed in a while....but I will start for you.

Katie Eyster

12/29/2008 10:31:11 am

Glad to see you posting. I have thought about you this Christmas season so much wanting to do something but not knowing what.

When my Mom was faced with similiar challenges, I remember her saying (as my sisters and I were in fixing Thanksgiving dinner, and she found herself on the couch resting). How I wish I could be up doing, I miss being a part.
She later shared this thought with us...."The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is a resource in the event of pain, and when that pain comes(and it will come, beacuse we came here to earth to have pain among other things), when it comes, rejoice that you have the resource to deal with your pain."

Amber I can't imagine your daily internal battels but the ones I see you wage and win are inspiring. Hang in there I love and admire you.


3/23/2012 05:07:30 pm

Truth is beautiful. Without doubt, and so are lies

5/4/2012 05:14:12 pm

Never let yourself be another person's option. You are worth so much more. Believe that!!

6/2/2012 12:24:51 am

You've got your point via a great deal far better than I at any time could, thank you!

6/2/2012 12:58:53 am

Thanks! it's helpful to me!

6/4/2012 01:55:35 am

I found your blog site on google and check several of the early posts. Continue to keep up the good work. I just added up your RSS feed to my MSN News Reader. Looking forward to reading through far more from you later on!

6/4/2012 08:59:49 pm

Yes! I agree what you say!

6/29/2012 08:49:09 am

Yes, thank for the details a million! Have to discover anybody organizing Tea Party. I wants to participate in organizing.

7/23/2012 04:30:09 pm

A lot of people would need to agree that this is the greatest option among the 3. On-line, you will get affordable rates along with the perks of convenience and quick shopping time. That’s mainly because you'll be able to browse through hundreds or even thousands of louis vuitton handbags possibilities with just a number of minutes or hours in front of the pc.

7/25/2012 10:11:34 pm

Thank you for your well-thought content. I'm really at perform proper now! So I ought to go off with no reading through all I'd like. But, I place your web site on my RSS feed in order that I can read mor

7/26/2012 07:40:46 am

Intimately, the submit is definitely the very best on this precious topic. I concur with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward in your coming updates!

7/27/2012 06:45:19 pm

Extremely regularly I go to this website. It very a great deal is pleasant to me. Thanks the author!

7/29/2012 05:01:36 am

Yes, thank for the details a million! Have to discover anybody organizing Tea Party. I wants to participate in organizing.

8/3/2012 06:53:27 am

Thanks! it's helpful to me!

8/10/2012 05:07:07 pm

--!@zhanping Set up your coach outlet holder by an outlet which you will always use to charge your phone.

8/12/2012 05:22:05 pm

Lo stile HOGAN le sue scarpe classiche nuova lanciato Premium AC QS

Noti sportivo di marca Hogan le scarpe Air Zoom Tennis Classic classiche degli ultimi anni può essere considerata come una notevole attenzione a seguito della precedente come un modello per il capolavoro congiunto di nuovi produttori di tessuti tessuti Maharam York ha recentemente rilasciato il nuovo Premium AC modello QS . Il corpo della scarpa con la struttura elevata del materiale pelle per costruire un totale di bianco e marrone due abbellimento verde per aumentare l'intensità della dell'occhio aspirazione, e marcati sul lato pacchetto e tessuto lingua iniettato, che mostra la swoosh sul lato della scarpa con fori ridurre identificazione misura leggermente un po 'low-key, ma più per evidenziare il concetto di design delle scarpe dove.

8/12/2012 05:40:15 pm

Louis Vuitton Handtaschen Mini Lin Anhängen von Accessoires

Diese hübsche Handtasche Anhänger mit eleganten Farb-Harz Kugel geschmückt, fügen Sie die Kugel Carving-Monogramm Blumenmotiven und Louis Vuitton Signatur Handtaschen einen Hauch von spielerischer femininen Charme.

- Kunstharz und Messing
- Farbige Harz verwendet einen einzigartigen geschnitzten Anhänger
- Karabinerverschluss, Scheibe und Kugel geschnitzt sind die Worte von Louis Vuitton

8/16/2012 07:30:22 pm

Do you already know about the Chanel Handbags? Have you been coach outlet acquainted with probably Chanel Bags the most beautiful and revolutionary Coach Factory Outlet? If not, then allow us inform you louis vuitton outlet dears they are undoubtedly coach outlet store among probably the most prestigious sorts of Chanel Purses purses in the around the earth Michael Kors Purses market today. When we talk about the women's beauty, Chanel 2012 would stand among probably the most effective coach outlet store online purses indisputably. They are beautifulCoach Factory Outlet Online, ground-breakingMichael Kors Bags, lovingcoach handbags , and caring Louis Vuitton Outlet Online purses at all.

9/3/2012 04:28:38 pm

Usually, they do not give problems to the affected person, but as the size of the deposit increases or become sore, they will surely give serious pain. The following are the frequently asked questions and answers that can help explain the concept of calcium deposits.


Leave a Reply.