Merry Christmas 2008

    As I sit here Christmas Eve, I am reflecting on all of the trials and blessings of this last year.  Honestly, I did not believe I would live to see another Christmas.  It has been a bittersweet Christmas season.   I usually love everything about Christmas, I go crazy decorating the house, listen to Christmas carols, go Christmas shopping, enjoy seeing Christmas lights etc.  I feel like Christmas has just skipped me by.  Our house has only a Christmas Tree and a Nativity.  Usually I wrap garlands on railings, and I have totes and totes of Christmas decorations.  I didn't put any of it up at all.  I haven't sent out my homemade Christmas cards with our family photo, like I do every year (even last year!)  I didn't make Christmas treats for our friends and neighbors.  No token gifts for friends and family members.  
     I guess it is not a bad thing to not get caught in all of the trappings of Christmas, but it comes down to I simply miss the way things used to be.  I have had time to focus on what my life consists of now, and it kind of depresses me.  Being sick and miserable from chemo seem to make the depression feel worse.  I have been fighting the constant thought in my head that I am worthless.  I can't cook, or clean, or decorate for Christmas, I can't shop, I don't go hardly anywhere ever, except the doctor.  I feel lazy as I spend day after day in bed, barely doing anything besides basic care of myself and children.  I feel guilty, even though I know that I am not lazy, just sick but it frustrates me because I can't be what I used to be.  
    That dreary part aside, I am grateful that I am still here for Christmas.  I may not be able to cook and clean, but Dan reminds me that I can still give love and share of myself.  
     I am always so touched by the spirit of Christ, but especially at Christmas.  We are reminded and feel of the love of Christ each and every day as so many of our family and friends follow His example in love, charity, and spirit of Christ.  We feel that wonderful joyous feeling of giving that everyone feels at Christmas all the time.  We are so blessed.  I love my family so much.  I am grateful for each and every one of them.  My husband and children are the best gifts I could ever receive.   I love my parents and siblings, and I am so blessed to have such a close caring relationship with them.  We spent Christmas Eve with our family, and it was fun, even though I had chemo yesterday.  I just enjoy every time we are able to get together and make more memories.  I forgot my camera so if Emily or Heather or Dad is reading this, PLEASE send me so photos via email!!!!!
    Merry Christmas to you all.  Thank you for all you do for us.  Dan and I were speaking about how the windows of heaven have been opened unto us, and we don't have room to receive all of the blessings we receive.  It is overwhelming how blessed we are, even though and maybe because of our trials.  Thank you thank you!  May each and everyone of you feel the spirit of Christ and the love of family and friends!  God bless you all!!!!!!


P.S. Our trip to California and Disneyland was magical and wonderful!   (I fully plan on sharing all of the fun with pictures on of these days!)  However since we returned home I had to begin my Xeloda chemo pills and I have pretty much been too sick and fatigued to get on the computer much.  I just barely got my camera out of my unpacked suitcase for Christmas.  So once things die down after tomorrow, I plan on getting some pictures and blogging done about the trip.