Through all of my treatments and illness I have tried to stay positive and hope for the best.  However something my Oncologist said to me at my visit last week (10-2) really bothered me.  He said that I only have to have chemo a couple of more times and then I can have a break from chemo to have my mastectomy.  He said that he thinks that the cancer is as small as he can get it with the chemo, and that it would be okay to take a break from it to have surgery.  I will have to continue with the Herceptin and Zometa.

He then said that sometimes the cancer can grow back as fast as it shrunk.  This really threw me for a loop.  I thought in my head that I was doing this to get the cancer in remission, as in I would have months, maybe years until the cancer grew.  I know this is a really aggressive form of cancer, but I was really hoping that it could be gone for good.  Not temporarily.

I wonder if I will have to go through treatment again and again, only to have a couple months of break in between treatments.  I am so discouraged that I will never feel whole and healthy again.  I wonder if I will always have to depend on others to help me take care of my family.  Was I unreasonable to think that I could be in remission for an extended period of time?  I have read that time to progression studies of people who had the same chemo is a median of 7-21 months.

Life is so precious, and I know there are no guarantees.  I could die in a car accident on my way to treatment.  I know I need to just remember to be grateful for each day that I am alive, and everyday that I am able to make more memories with my family.  I need to just live each day, and not worry about the future.  My heart is just breaking for all who walk this road with me, and those who leave this life early because of it.  I'm very sad today.  I guess I just need to be grateful for what I have, and live each moment to it's fullest.

I still have quite a ways to go in my journey.  I need to remember to only try to deal with one day at a time, otherwise it is so overwhelming all that I will have to go through to fight this disease.  

I have tried to be strong for my family, all happy and hopeful, but last night I sobbed to my husband about all of my fears and frustrations.  It felt so good to just get some of that pent up emotion out.

I am feeling a lot better about things today.  I had my 16th treatment (But who's counting) and spent a good 15 minutes talking with my doctor's PA about long term treatment plans, etc.  She mapped out the different options (both chemo drugs and hormone inhibition etc.) and it really helped put my mind at ease.

I only have 1 more treatment of Taxol to go, and then I go see the surgeon to get on the schedule for my mastectomy.  I am scared to go off the Taxol, and just be on the herceptin.  I really hope that the herceptin can keep the cancer in check.  I did get the results of my MUGA scan (heart test) and my heart is performing just as well as before I started treatment, so that is good news.  Sometimes the Herceptin can cause severe heart damage, and then you can't take it anymore.

I read the other day about a company that makes t-shirts for breast cancer patients.  It says "yes they are fake, my real ones tried to kill me."  I think I will get one of those shirts so I can laugh about losing my breast, the same way I have tried to use humor to be okay with the fact that I lost my hair.  I learned this example from my Grandpa more than 20 years ago when he was battling cancer. He lost his hair from chemo and radiation and used to say "Now I look like humpty dumpty"  He was such a good example, and back then treatments were so much harder.  It has been almost 20 years since he passed away, but his example still sticks with me.

Anyway, thanks again for all of your support. It helps so much to not be riding this roller coaster aloud.  We can all scream together, laugh together, and cry together.  I don't think any of us are racing to get back in line to ride again, though!  

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