Over the past couple weeks, 2 women battling the same type of breast cancer who were diagnosed at almost the exact same time as me have passed away. My heart breaks for their friends, families, husbands and children. I can't help but ask myself, why? Why am I still here, and they are gone? Why did my first battle of chemo work, and theirs didn't?
Of course I know the sunday school answer. Heavenly Father has a plan, and only he knows how long we will be on the earth to accomplish our purposes, and learn and grow and be tried. There is just so much guilt that I feel because I am here, and they are not. They both had husbands and young children that needed them. Why did they die, and not me? Am I accomplishing the things I need to, am I doing the things I should? Am I learning and growing? I like to believe that I am.
It is almost time to start aggressive chemo again. I can feel myself getting sicker as my tumor load grows. I am in pain and discomfort a lot. I am weary and bone tired, all day. It is hard to find energy to do even the most simple of things. More areas are hurting. My stomach hurts all the time, and I am not digesting food. It is just going straight through me. There are some concerning changes taking place along my mastectomy scar line. It is getting inflamed again, and bumpy lumpy and itchy, along with stinging pain. I think the start day for Taxol will be sooner rather than later. Probably August 19th. At least that is just right before school starts. Time for battle number 2. Hopefully it works effectively and quickly!!!
We are going to HOT HOT HOT St. George the beginning of next month. When it is that hot outside, swimming feels wonderful. I get a lot of relief from my bone pain by floating in the water. We also hope to see a Tuachan outdoor theater musical while we are down there. I am hoping for the Sound of Music. That was one of the first musicals I ever saw, and I love the music for it. Bekah is also hoping to get a lot of school clothes shopping done.
Well, this rambling post is all over the place, but it is 2:30 in the morning while I am typing this. Dan is gone to Scout camp with Blake so he isn't here to tell me to turn off the computer and go to sleep. I guess I probably ought to anyway!
So, if you are the praying type, please pray for the sisters in cancer who passed away, Andrea Collins (aka Punk Rock Mommy) and Kim Frankin (kimmie39) and their families. I know Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. We may not always get what we ask for, but we always get what is best for us. Because He loves us.
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