To start off, I thought I would give a quick status update. I had some really bad pain issues these past few weeks. I had some new pain down my back, which was nerve pain that caused pain all the way down my leg into my foot. I was suffering the most since I went on hospice. Finally on Monday I was feeling better. My nurse and doctor worked daily adjusting medicines and doses to try to relieve my pain. I am so glad they were successful. I was worried to have new pain, and it is discouraging to know that the cancer is growing and spreading and getting worse.
Because I am on hospice, I can no longer have scans done to see where and how much the cancer is growing.. The assumption is that the cancer IS growing and it will eventually get to the point where it kills me. Hospice's role is to keep me comfortable while this happens, not prevent it from happening. When I stopped chemo, I felt guilty. I thought maybe I should research different trial drugs or something. I felt that choosing to quit chemo was choosing to die. Dan always says that deciding to do chemo is not necessarily deciding to live, because the chemo may not work and you die anyway. Or, the chemo does damage to your liver and heart (like it was doing to me) and you die quicker. Choosing not to continue chemo is not choosing to die either. I did not choose to get cancer, so choosing not to poison myself to maybe slow down the cancer or shrink it, is not choosing to die. The only choice I have is how I live each day I have. How I choose to treat those around me, how to make every day count. That is all any of us have. Life is not guaranteed. I realized this again when a dear friend of ours died suddenly from blood clots after having knee surgery. He was only 41 years old. How grateful I am to KNOW that I am dying, and to have the time to prepare. I don't think I will ever be ready. How could I be ready to leave my friends, family, and my children. Ugh. Sorry for be such a downer!
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 Summer is 2/3 over, and I can hardly believe it! We have been living each day to the fullest. We have enjoyed a trip to Wolf Creek and a week at Bear Lake. Dan and I have enjoyed 2 Friday night stays at Anniversary Inn in Logan. We have been in a parade, watched fireworks, went swimming, had picnics and backyard bar-b-ques. Dan and I went on a 4 day cruise to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. It was very relaxing and I was surprised how much I was able to eat! As Dan said in his recent post, I am sleeping a lot, and most days I don't get out of bed until 2pm. I plan on the rest of summer to be just as fun, although a little slower pace. Every day I live is a gift. Every moment is precious.    Dan and I at Anniversary Inn    Bear Lake July 2009     The biggest difference in my life since I stopped chemo and went on hospice is the quality of my life. I was so sick on chemo, and I wasn't living. I would go days without getting out of bed. Now I am up and about every day, even though I still sleep a lot. I feel good, I really do. There are times when I am completely pain free if I remember to stay on top of all my meds. The biggest challenge I face is still being tired, and wearing out quickly. I don't have a lot of energy, and I need a lot of sleep. However, I feel a thousand times better than when I was so sick from the chemo.
My hospice nurses are also amazed at how well I am doing. They tell me often that I am holding up way better than they thought I would based on when they first met me. I had just completed 8 months of chemo, and was so beat up from it. As my body has healed from the chemo damage, I have been able to eat more, and therefore have more energy. Words can not explain how miserable I was, and how much better I feel now. I just pray that the medicine continues to keep me as comfortable as possible. I wish I didn't sleep as much as I do. It makes me feel like life is just slipping by while I sleep. I miss so many minutes and hours with my children, but I am so grateful for the help of my mom and mom-in-law spending the whole day helping me and caring for the kids. |  ArchivesJanuary 2010 CategoriesAll ArchivesJanuary 2010    All text and pictures copyright Amber Chase.
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