I was so excited last week that I would be done with chemo, and then I would have a break from going to the hospital for 9 days. I guess I must really love the hospital, because I just can't stay away. I had to go have lab work done Monday and get pre-registered for surgery. Then Tuesday I had an appointment with the doctor who will be doing my hysterectomy, and then I had to do more blood work. Today I meet with the doctor who is doing my mastectomy. And then Thursday is THE day. I will be having a laprascopic hysterectomy the same day as my mastectomy. They need to get the ovaries out so they will quit feeding the cancer. I need a sign that says: DO NOT FEED THE CANCER.
I wonder if they will let me keep my breast in a jar, like they do with tonsils... Or at least my ovaries.... hehehehe! I will have to ask.l...
The thing I am dreading most is the bowel prep I have to do today before surgery. A clear liquid diet only today.... What kind of last meal is that.... Jello and broth....... As if my nerves aren't bad enough already, now I get to be hungry all day too.
I feel like Abby (my 7 year old) when she cries and screams and kicks her feet and says, "It's not FAIR....." I really feel like having a temper tantrum.
I can't wait until this is over.......
Just a quick update. I had my last treatment of Taxol this last Tuesday and a triple dose of Herceptin. My Oncologist said, "It looks like you got the miracle you were hoping and praying for." He said it is remarkable how much the cancer has shrunk. He doesn't think that I will need to have radiation following my mastectomy. He said I will still need to consult with the radiation oncologist, but I am THRILLED with the thought of not having to do radiation. I just need to get through surgery and then hopefully I will be officially on the road to recovery. I will still have a triple dose of herceptin every 3 weeks, but the side effects shouldn't be too bad. We hope that with the continued Herceptin, I will be able to be in remission for years.
My mastectomy surgery is scheduled for Thursday Oct. 25th. All of your prayers that everything will go okay are very much appreciated. It is everyone's prayers and faith that has buoyed us up through this whole trial!
Saturday I was able to attend a Horizon of Hope luncheon thanks to Shauna and Drew Weidman. Dan is friends with Drew and referees football with him. They generously sponsored me to be able to attend. The speakers at this event were incredible, and really gave me so much strength and hope from listening to them speak. I also received a beautiful basket with goodies and a flower arrangement. I feel so humbled by how much the Lord blesses me and shows His tender mercies through the selfless giving and service of others.
It was a beautiful day on Sunday. Perfect fall weather, and beautiful fall leaves changing colors. I went for a walk with my kids, and even though I am pretty slow, it was wonderful to get out and enjoy this beautiful earth that we live in.
I am feeling great today. I feel better on my good days than I felt for months before I started treatments. Now if I can only get through surgery! I am really scared of that, and can't wait until it is over and done with. My surgery should be in the next couple of weeks, and as soon as I have a date scheduled for sure, I will let everyone know. I can't believe another week has passed. The days drag on (especially when I am feeling lousy from chemo) but the weeks fly by!
A man who lives in Willard named Don Tuft surprised us with a beautiful framed painting of the San Diego temple today. He painted it especially for us! We were so awed by his kindness! He said that he knows we are going through a hard time, but hopes that this painting will help us keep things in an eternal perspective. We are continually in awe of all the kindness and service that is shown to us. I think that if everyone everywhere would show this kind of love and charity to all this world would be a better place.
I think this website is kind of turning into a gratitude journal. I am so grateful and thankful to everyone for their loves, prayers, support, and kindnesses, whether great or small. YOU each make the difference of brightening my day and making it possible for our family to get through this trial well.
Just a quick post to tell you all that my little brother cut his hair! He looks so great. He still has more hair than me, though. He said he was planning on cutting his hair before my little stunt, but I think I will take a little credit for his new hair-do!
Through all of my treatments and illness I have tried to stay positive and hope for the best. However something my Oncologist said to me at my visit last week (10-2) really bothered me. He said that I only have to have chemo a couple of more times and then I can have a break from chemo to have my mastectomy. He said that he thinks that the cancer is as small as he can get it with the chemo, and that it would be okay to take a break from it to have surgery. I will have to continue with the Herceptin and Zometa.
He then said that sometimes the cancer can grow back as fast as it shrunk. This really threw me for a loop. I thought in my head that I was doing this to get the cancer in remission, as in I would have months, maybe years until the cancer grew. I know this is a really aggressive form of cancer, but I was really hoping that it could be gone for good. Not temporarily.
I wonder if I will have to go through treatment again and again, only to have a couple months of break in between treatments. I am so discouraged that I will never feel whole and healthy again. I wonder if I will always have to depend on others to help me take care of my family. Was I unreasonable to think that I could be in remission for an extended period of time? I have read that time to progression studies of people who had the same chemo is a median of 7-21 months.
Life is so precious, and I know there are no guarantees. I could die in a car accident on my way to treatment. I know I need to just remember to be grateful for each day that I am alive, and everyday that I am able to make more memories with my family. I need to just live each day, and not worry about the future. My heart is just breaking for all who walk this road with me, and those who leave this life early because of it. I'm very sad today. I guess I just need to be grateful for what I have, and live each moment to it's fullest.
I still have quite a ways to go in my journey. I need to remember to only try to deal with one day at a time, otherwise it is so overwhelming all that I will have to go through to fight this disease.
I have tried to be strong for my family, all happy and hopeful, but last night I sobbed to my husband about all of my fears and frustrations. It felt so good to just get some of that pent up emotion out.
I am feeling a lot better about things today. I had my 16th treatment (But who's counting) and spent a good 15 minutes talking with my doctor's PA about long term treatment plans, etc. She mapped out the different options (both chemo drugs and hormone inhibition etc.) and it really helped put my mind at ease.
I only have 1 more treatment of Taxol to go, and then I go see the surgeon to get on the schedule for my mastectomy. I am scared to go off the Taxol, and just be on the herceptin. I really hope that the herceptin can keep the cancer in check. I did get the results of my MUGA scan (heart test) and my heart is performing just as well as before I started treatment, so that is good news. Sometimes the Herceptin can cause severe heart damage, and then you can't take it anymore.
I read the other day about a company that makes t-shirts for breast cancer patients. It says "yes they are fake, my real ones tried to kill me." I think I will get one of those shirts so I can laugh about losing my breast, the same way I have tried to use humor to be okay with the fact that I lost my hair. I learned this example from my Grandpa more than 20 years ago when he was battling cancer. He lost his hair from chemo and radiation and used to say "Now I look like humpty dumpty" He was such a good example, and back then treatments were so much harder. It has been almost 20 years since he passed away, but his example still sticks with me.
Anyway, thanks again for all of your support. It helps so much to not be riding this roller coaster aloud. We can all scream together, laugh together, and cry together. I don't think any of us are racing to get back in line to ride again, though!
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