I have had a difficult time feeling like I want to write anything for my blog. I am so grateful to Dan for his last couple of posts. I am glad that he wrote such touching posts, and I am amazed that he did it all on his own.
The reason it has been difficult to write, is that I have been hesitant to share what has really been going on with my cancer and treatment. So it is confession time.
2 months ago, after much researching, praying, talking with counselors, doctors, and family, we came to the realization that chemotherapy was no longer a viable option. I was so deathly ill from doing 9 months of various chemos, and all the test results kept coming back that that the chemos were not working. I had no quality of life, and I felt like I was just wasting the time I had left chasing after treatments that were killing me, and not the cancer. We decided that the time had come to stop chemotherapy, and change from aggressive care to palliative care.
I have had hospice care for the last 2 months. It is truly a miracle how much better I feel now that I am no longer poisoning my body with toxic chemicals in hope of having a longer life. I was not living while I was on chemo. All I did was sleep and feel miserable all the time. With my new hospice Doctor and Nurses I feel so much better. They are so on top of keeping me pain free and comfortable. I am able to do so much more, and feel so much better. It has been a great decision. I am still going to have monthly Zometa infusions to keep my bones from breaking as the cancer progresses. We also have a social worker who has been visiting weekly with me and the kids. He always brings a fun activity that gets the kids talking about how they are feeling. He also has been a great sounding board for me, and has helped me deal with the gamut of emotions that I have been dealing with. With this hospice team in place, they are taking wonderful care of all of our needs.
At first when I stopped chemotherapy, I really struggled emotionally. It was so difficult to feel like I was giving up. It is still hard to think about dying, but I feel mostly at peace. I am enjoying every minute, and we have been cherishing the good times. We are happy and at peace. I know that my life is in Heavenly Father's hands, and that He will preserve my life for as long as I need to be here. I don't need treatments of men to prolong my life. I know that I will be here for as long as I am supposed to be. I trust that my Heavenly Father is taking care of me, and we are at peace.
I have read several books these past couple months about death and dying, life after life, and about hospice stories. This knowledge has brought peace to my heart, and a small part of me looks forward to what comes next after life. I know that I will still be here for my family, and that I will have an active role in their life. I know that I will still be there for all of their weddings, graduations, baptisms, births of grandchildren, and family events. I know that the life after this one is glorious and wonderful, and that I will be with my loved ones who have gone on before.
I have one request from all of my dear friends and family. We are at peace with my decision to no longer fight my cancer. I don't need to hear about this miracle diet, and that Doctor that can cure cancer in Mexico, or this new chemo trial or drug.. My destiny is not to have my cancer cured. We understand that, and it is okay. I have done all that I could physically endure to fight my cancer, and I have no fight left in me. And that is okay. I fought hard, and I won so many battles. It is a miracle that it has been 2 years, and I am still here. I am eternally grateful for every day of that 2 years. I have been blessed, and I am continually blessed every day. Life is still good.
Hey everyone its Dan again.
I can't believe how fast time flies. I feel like its only been a few days since a post was put on the site and its been ten. Life is very busy even when you try to keep things simple. Amber and I have marveled throughout the last two years at how adaptable the Lord helps our family to be. It seems like we go along as a family and something new and seemingly impossible to deal with happens and we kind of freak out and "normal" goes out the window. We wonder how we can ever handle the new development or course the cancer has presented.
After a few days of wondering, and at least some unfocused freaking out, doubt is kicked out and our faith is re-focused. We try to exercise our faith in thought and action by trying to do what we know the Lord wants us to do. Before we know it we are blessed with the Lord's peace and the burdens that have been placed upon us somehow feel lighter that they were before, though they are seldom removed. That is when we develop a new normal.
This process, which we consider a great miracle, has happened countless times over the last two years. It does not happen because we are special or any different than anyone else. It happens when we exercise our faith in Jesus Christ. Through the power of the atonement and his grace which is sufficient for each of us he succors us in our infirmities. He heals our hearts and our wounds and blesses us with his peace that passeth understanding. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and his power to effectuate this miracle in each of us IS THE ANSWER to all of life's trials and suffering. It is the way we do hard things while remaining faithful to the end. I am so grateful that the Lord in his infinite mercy has taught me this so that I do not fear the future or hard things that may come in life. I am also grateful my children are learning and experiencing this for themselves so that they know for themselves where to turn for peace and help.
We were blessed to spend time together in beautiful Ogden Valley at Wolf Creek Resort from 6/11-6/16. We love to go there because it is so close to home, its beautiful. peaceful, and has a great pool and slide that the kids enjoy. It did rain a lot while we were there so we had to time our swimming sessions just right and spend a lot of time inside playing games together and watching movies. It turned out well because this level of activity fit Amber's ability better anyway. She loved to go to the pool and float weightlessly in the water because of the immense pain relief she experiences while floating. Caleb and Abby really enjoyed the small water slide into the pool. Abby went on it 30 times in a row one day and 40 times in a row another day. Amber made her stop at 40 because she was afraid she would drown from being too tired. Caleb got to 28 times in a row and was very proud of himself. He was so cute, he would hurry up the slide stairs and at the top on the platform he would look down where I was waiting to catch him at the bottom, flex his little muscles and yell at the top of his lungs how many times he had gone down the slide. At that point he plunged into the tube yelling "man overboard"! I kid you not, he did this every time. I think Bekah decided she was too old for such things because she only went down a couple of times and then went to play with Ammon. She never has really loved that slide anyway and since it takes about three people to keep Ammon out of water danger it was nice to have her playing with him. Ammon is such a bundle of energy that every five seconds he has to be moved back to a safe water depth. Blake is officially too old for the slide so he kept busy using a water noodle like a water cannon on the girls and sometimes on his mom. If that failed he resorted to whatever splashing on them he could do with his hands. I know everyone who knows Blake is surprised that he would enjoy such things. surprised that he would enjoy such things. We really enjoyed the time together and were blessed to be able to do it.
Amber has wanted to see our cute little Caleb play tee-ball because she thought he would be so adorable playing. He had his first game on Thursday and she was right. I have not had much time with all that is going on to work with him on playing ball like I did with Blake when he was little, so I was worried how he would do. He did just fine and was so darned cute we could hardly stand it. One time he hit the ball off the tee and it only went about four feet in front of the tee. A bunch of parents and coaches started yelling "get the ball, get the ball"! So Caleb dropped the bat and dove out of the batter's box and retrieved the ball. He was so proud that he got the ball but it turns out that the coaches and parents yelling "get the ball" were from the other team yelling to their kids. That's OK though at least he listened and showed some hustle diving for the ball. We can work on the nuances of the game later.
Blake has been training with the high school cross country team every morning at 6:30AM the last couple of weeks. We are very proud of him for sticking with it through the cramps and puking. I think with some training and experience this is something he could really enjoy. Blake, Bekah and Abby are all doing Jr. League golf at Eagle Mountain Golf Course on Mondays. They play nine holes, have a lot of fun and give mom a three hour break Monday afternoon. Its the best $50 each I have ever spent. I guess that about concludes this Chase family highlight. Sorry it has been about as long as Sports Center on ESPN (1 hour).
I have an amazing wife. She is soooo easy to love that we never lack help or offers to help. An amazing example of this is our church congregation (ward). Each month Sister Eddington calls me and asks me what we will need in the coming month (meals, help with the boys, rides to the doctor, etc). She makes a calendar and passes it around to the ladies at church and they sign up to fill the needs. Everyone that touches the calendar signs up for something and sometimes multiple things. The calendar only makes it through about 1/3 of the room or less and all of the opportunities have been signed up for.
So after church I get about half a dozen ladies that tell me they would love to bring a meal or help with something but the list didn’t make it to them. They tell me to call them when I think of something. I love Amber so much that I love to serve her but I have never had so much competition in the loving and serving department. What a wonderful “problem” to have.
This past month, while Amber has been off chemo, our angel mothers, and my sister Kellie, who is an angel in training, have been coming up every day while I am at work to help with our kids. They are there to help Amber be able to do things if she feels up to it or allow her to sleep if she is too tired to do things. They have played with kids, cooked, cleaned, done laundry, and in general just made Amber’s life more enjoyable. It is interesting to see how much the kids love all three of them and look forward to the different styles and personalities they each offer. Our family is so blessed to have them in our home often. We love and appreciate all three of them dearly!
Hello Everyone! It’s Dan again.
Every time I post anything on this blog I feel like I am on hallowed ground. I kind of feel an initial exhilaration about writing something on a site that so many people love, about someone so many people love. I quickly come back down to earth and feel like a guy with sausage fingers trying to play chopsticks in a great concert hall on an amazing grand piano.
Amber is doing pretty well. She has good days and bad days. Her good days are when the pain is controlled and she has energy to do things that she wants to do. I want to be clear. The definition of controlled pain and energy to do things is not the same for most of us as it is for Amber. Being more specific the new medications she is on put the pain well below the debilitating level and below the level where its all you can think about. She does still feel pain depending on what she is doing its just that it does not keep her from doing many things. Amber has been in pain at varying degrees for so long having it down at this level probably seems very liberating. Also having more energy to Amber is different from how you and I would think. Having more energy means she can more effectively do 3-6 hours of activity that she deems most important to her that day. If she does this for a couple of days she usually is completely worn out and sleeps most of the next day.
Example: On Friday our Amber’s brother’s wife Kara came up to make lunch, visit, and finish a craft project with Amber. Amber and I went on an over night get away later that afternoon (nice dinner and overnight at a nice bed and breakfast). We came back Saturday around 1:00PM. Amber rested for awhile and then we took the kids to the new Night at the Museum movie at the local theater. She slept for another couple of hours and was completely out of it. I did take her to a dinner they were having at the church that evening but I should have just let her sleep. Sunday morning she could not even get out of bed without getting dizzy and sick. She almost always goes to church for sacrament meeting but could not do it yesterday. She slept until about 3:00PM and came down to her recliner to be around the kids for awhile. Even this morning (Monday) she still does not feel well enough to be up and around for more activity.
The good is that she can do the things she did Friday and Saturday. I guess it’s also good that her bad days do not usually include being deathly ill. She is just too tired to stay awake.
What tremendous blessings we have experienced! I am so grateful for the Lord’s mercy in allowing her to still be able to do the things she can do even after having aggressive, late-stage, cancer for well over two years. I find it interesting that when some facet of this trial changes we wonder, “Oh no what are we going to do”? Or “how are we going to handle this”? But the answer always ends up being the same. It just takes a few days or weeks of hand wringing for us to realize it. Faith in Jesus Christ and his atonement, his mercy, his love, and his power to heal us is always the answer. Sometimes he heals our bodies as a result of our faith filled pleas, other times it is not His will. I know that healing our hearts and souls is always His will. He stands ready and waiting for us to ask in faith.
We have been so blessed that many people have been inspired by the love of God to act on our behalf. They have truly “strengthened the weakened knees and lifted the hands that hang down”. Our families, ward and community have been so kind and have made great burdens lighter. We thank you and love you with all of our hearts. Who knew Chopsticks was such a long song J
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