Amber Chase's Musings on Cancer and Life

Hello Everyone. 

I have not posted anything for a while but I thought I would just in case there are still people that still check in here. 

The kids and I are still doing amazingly well.  I cannot believe that its been five weeks tomorrow since my sweet Amber passed away.  I am not sure how to describe my feelings right now so I just won't.  I continue to be in awe at the amazing blanket of peace that has continued to surround the kids and I.  I can only describe it like if you reached out and touched a stove that you knew was hot expecting fully to be burned and then nothing happens.  We all fully expected to be in intense pain and while we do miss Amber we are not experiencing the pain we expected.  In its place there has been blessed peace that is hard to describe.  We are truly grateful.  I am sure that Amber has had a hand in this. 

Halloween passed weeks ago now.  My kids were so cute and funny.  Rebekah was going to dress up like a gypsy but after planning her costume for weeks she  found that the skirt she was going to wear did not fit so she dressed up like the most adorable "teenage witch" you ever saw.  Eat your heart out Sabrina the teenage witch here comes Bekah the teenage witch.  Abby came up with the idea of being a CEO.  She was wearing a blazer, glasses, and a leather briefcase and her sassy attitude was not in short supply.  Any one who suggest that she might be a lowly CFO was quickly corrected.  Caleb was the toughest little spiderman that you have ever seen.  The costume was so thin that even though it was not very cold I insisted on a couple of layers of clothing underneath.  It made him look, tough, muscular, and warmer than he probably needed to be.  Ammon decided all by himself a couple of months before that he was going to be an old grandpa.  He wore mismatched old man type clothes that did not go together, sparse whiskers from a poor shave, a pair of wire rimmed glasses, an old derby hat, and a cane.  He walked really slow (much to the dismay of the other kids who wanted to collect lots of candy) and said tricker treat in a shakey grandpa voice.  Even the people who know him pretty well and know what a character he is could not believe he thought of that on his own.  By the end of tricker treating I was carrying his cane, his candy and his derby.  It was so much fun.  Blake stayed home, dressed as an ornery teenager and "handed out" all or our candy.  I would like to thank my cousin Tamera who spearheaded the costume planning and acquisition of all the things the kids wore.  Amber loved Halloween and would have been absolutely delighted with how the kids looked. 

Since then we have just been living.  Going to school and work, coming home, doing homework, practicing the piano, doing chores, having dinner together, studying scriptures together, praying together, and doing what ever comes up together.  Blake came and visited this past weekend.  He seems to be adjusting to living with his dad but seemed legitimately pleased to be "home" at our house.  The little boys were most excited to have him and have missed him the most.  It was nice to have Blake here with us. 

A week ago I realized that I was less than three weeks from Caleb's birthday and six weeks or so from Christmas.  Needless to say I was scared out of my mind.  The last two years people have "done" Christmas for us.  When I say done, I mean done.  They shopped, wrapped, and delivered an entire Christmas for our family.  I was appreciative of what they did but I had no idea the amount of planning and work they had saved me.  Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be more involved in "doing Christmas" for my family but I decided not to try to make all the decision after Thanksgiving dinner.  I have a goal to be completely finished Christmas shopping by 12/1.  I think I have been doing pretty good but I guess my kids will let me know on Christmas how I really did.  If you have kids near the same age as mine and have a great idea for them individually or a family gift let me know.  I have really never seen the kids this excited.  Caleb talks constantly about his birthday and the kids especially Bekah are going coocoo for Christmas.  Bekah offered to tickle my back for 5 hours if I would tell her what she was getting.  I told her no because watching her freak out is much more fun than a good back tickling.

I guess I need to go tuck my little boys into bed so I better close this.  Thank you all for the continued outpouring of love toward my family.  It has truly been wonderful to feel your love.  You all take such good care of us.  Your good deeds don't go unnoticed or unappreciated.  Since we now have connections in heaven I am hoping Amber puts a good word in for you all in heaven.  Me too.  Heaven knows I could use it.   

Hello Everyone,

It has been a little while since I have posted anything.  We have been busy getting back to life and trying to build a "new normal".  The concept of a "new normal" is something our family has become very accustomed to over the past few years.  We had to do it when Amber was diagnosed with cancer, during her original rounds of treatment, when she was off aggressive treatment for six months, when the cancer started to rear its ugly head again, when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor, when she went back on aggressive chemotherapy, each time she had to try a new chemotherapy because the old one wasn't working, when she went on hospice care, when she began to decline so much she could not leave the house, and finally with a tremendous hole where Amber used to be.  Building a "new normal" usually involves gaining a full understanding of how the change effects each aspect of our lives, feeling a little out of control, wondering how in the world we are going to do it, realizing there is no way "in the world" we can, refocusing our faith in Jesus to encompass the new challenge in front of us, and finally exercising our faith by moving forward with His help. 

We have found that an important key to effectively refocusing your faith lies in the bible reference where Jesus is walking to his apostles on the water and Jesus wants to walk out on the water to him.  Jesus told him to come unto Him.  Full of focused faith, Peter climbed over the side of the boat and with his faith fixed on the Savior he began walking on the water to Him.  As long as Peter had his eyes fixed on the Savior he walked safely toward Jesus.  But as he walked the winds began to whip around him, the waves began to get more unruly, and these new challenges began to distract Peter's faith and made him avert his eyes from the source of his faith, and help.  As soon as he looked away he began to sink in the water and his faith began to waiver.  Now terrified that he may drown he cried out to Jesus, "save me"!  A little saddened, but understanding, Jesus reached out and caught his beloved apostle and saved him.  At least some wind and waves were probably there when Peter first exited the boat and was walking safely toward the Savior but he paid them no mind and kept his focus on Jesus.  When Peter lost his focus and looked away from the Savior was when he had problems.  We are the same as Peter. When we come unto Him, which is His constant invitation, and don't let the distractions or problems of this life shake our faith and trust in Him, his power and strength is upon us, and we can do endure anything put in front of us well.  This is the key no matter what you or I are facing in this life. 

I am not sure where we are in the process of building a new normal but I know three things.  First, our eyes are locked on the Savior and we are trying the best we know how to continue together coming to Him.  Second, I still don't think we fully understand all of the challeges associated with Amber not being here so we have a ways to go in building our new normal.  Third, I know we are probably not going to get a sabbatical from life's trial and challenges just because we think we have had our share.  For this reason and many others I am going to do everything I can to help me and my family fix our faith and focus on Jesus and his sustaining, and saving grace. 

On Sunday night we had Amber's viewing and the mortuary was very busy.  The mortuary did a wonderful job preparing Amber and she looked as good as someone can without their spirit in their body.  She truly looked much like herself and looked peaceful like she was asleep.  The viewing was to be from 6:00-8:00PM.  We decided to have family members come early so they would have the first opportunity to be there.  By 5:15PM our friends that were more experienced viewing goers started showing up to see if they could get in.  They were very respectful in making sure the family was done before approaching.  I kind of planned on this happening because I knew how many people loved Amber and continue to love her family.  The last visitor left the viewing at around 9:00PM.  In between I experienced the most amazing out pouring of love and caring I could ever have imagined as hundreds of people filed past Amber's casket to pay their respects and show their love.  I am truly amazed but I am not ungrateful.  Thank you for love and support and for braving the long lines at the mortuary!.

The funeral on Monday was an absolute spiritual feast for our family.  The tributes paid by Amber's mother and siblings truly touched our hearts and helped us remember again and again what made Amber so wonderful.  My children took a couple of minutes to share somethings they will always remember about their mother and then testify and declare their own sweet, simple, faith in God's plan, the Savior's grace, and in being able to be with their mother again.  The best part of each tribute by my children is that the words, feelings, sentiments, and faith was their own.  I was so proud of them!  I was able to share Amber's own words about faith and hope from her blog posts in the fall of 2008.  Another thing I shared was my gratitude to Amber for patiently teaching me how to enjoy my children "the Amber way".  I was grateful that I did not just get up and blubber.  The funeral services were ended by two of our beloved local church leaders President Reeder and President Tams sharing thoughts about making sense of the things that happen in life, exercising our faith in Christ, and assuring our children that Amber would be able to "parent through the veil", or from heaven.  What sweet and comforting words they shared and how grateful we are for our special relationship with these two spiritual giants. 

The kids and I are trying to get back to normal schedules and things that are important to us.  Bekah and Abby even went to school part of the day on the day of the funeral.  They wanted to so I allowed it.  All of the kids went to school Tuesday-Friday and I believe they did pretty well.  The classes, accomplishing work and assignments, and being with understanding and loving classmates helped them immensely.  I went back to work on Wednesday.  Ammon and especially Caleb thought that I would become a stay at home dad or at very least just work part time for a long time.  As much as I would love to do this, it is just not possible.  Amber's mother and my mother have lovingly agreed to watch Ammon at our house for a while until Caleb feels secure about the current situation and sees that everything is OK.  So far all of the kids seem to be handling the transitions just fine.  My co-workers have been so awesome and took over my cases and other work while I was gone.  I think they were surprised I came back just two days after the funeral.  I have a lot of great friends at work so following the advise I gave to my children and getting back to normal things has helped me a lot. 

I miss my wife so much and long to be with her and talk to her.  I do pretty well most of the day but at night when the kids are in bed it's more difficult.  I miss telling her about the things that are going on, talking to her about the kids, counseling with her about difficult things that naturally occur in life, and holding her hand.  Luckily I am not a night person so by the time I finish doing necessary things after the children are in bed, and lay down in bed, I fall asleep rather quickly.  I am so grateful for the constant outpouring of love, visits, cards, and prayers.  You have truly "mourned with those that mourn, and comforted those that stand in need of comfort".  In short you have done what the Savior would do if He were in your place.  We love you, thank you, and esteem you as our dear friends. 

I am so sorry that I did not put the information about Amber's funeral up last night.  I was running on 6 hours of sleep in 72 hours and not thinking clearly. 

Amber's viewing will be held on Sunday, October 18, 2009 from 6:00-8:00pm at:
Myer's Mortuary
205 S. 100 E.
Brigham City, UT 
(435) 723-8484

Funeral Services for Amber will be Monday, October 19, 2009 at 2:00pm.  There will be a viewing from 12:30-1:40pm at the same location
Perry Utah LDS Stake Center
685 W. 2250 S.
Perry, UT

Many have asked for a place to send flowers for the funeral, I am totally inexperienced at this but apparently those can be sent to the mortuary and they will handle getting them to the viewing and funeral.  WHAT A RELIEF!  I thought I was going to have to find a flower ferry. 

Some have asked how they can help with the funeral or donate to the kids kind of like a trust account.  I have heard about these when other younger mom's or dad's have died or seen these on other obituaries but I haven't really thought about it in our case.  The tough guy side of me says to tell those who have asked that I have it all under control and I'll be just fine.  The part of me that has leaned a great deal over the last couple of years about the depths of people's kindness and generosity and who has experienced the joy of doing kind thing for others on occasions says I need to allow people who want to help to do so.  Any donations will be used to help with the funeral costs with any left over to benefit Amber's children.

Donations can be made to the following account:

Amber Chase Cancer Fund (Account Title)
America First Credit Union
P.O. Box 9199
Ogden, UT  84409
1-800-999-3961

We have been doing pretty well considering.  I feel as if I personally have been spared some of the pain at this point by a loving Savior who knows what I can handle and has poured out his mercy upon me.  The kids are doing well.  Blake told me that so far it has not hurt as bad as he imagined it would.  We all know that tougher days are ahead.  We also know that turning to the Savior and trusting him for your strength and the healing of your heart is the answer whether you are fighting a disease, pleading for a loved one who is suffering, or dealing with the greatest loss and pain.  He is still the answer!  He is the way, the truth, and the life!

A special and heartfelt thank you for the many who have reached out to our family in word, deed, or prayer since Amber's passing.  Your loving kindness is soothing salve to the suffering soul.  You are truly showing us the Savior's love.

Our sweet Amber valiantly fought the battle daily against cancer and most days won.  She never let cancer choke out her faith and love of others or her love of life's most important things.  She had a virtue, serenity, faith, and peace about her that caught the attention of many.  Ultimately she became a shining example to all of His power to save and heal our broken heart if we turn to him in faith. 

On Wednesday, October 14th at 11:15pm she completely vanquished the cancer and entered into our Heavenly Father's rest.  She endured to the end in faith.  She sealed her example and testimony of Jesus Christ with her very life. 

Our family will pray for all of our friends and family members who know Amber and will find this news difficult to bear.  Just know that you can face this how we all learned to face hard things from our exemplar Amber.

Funeral services will be formally announced tomorrow evening on this website.  We believe they will be this Monday at the Perry Utah Stake Center. 

Dear Family & Friends,

I just wanted to give a report to all who are concerned and believe me I know there are many.  Amber has been mostly in a restful state where she cannot wake up or talk since early Friday morning (about the time I posted the last blog post).  After the struggles of Tuesday-Thursday we very grateful that she is resting.  She is mostly not able to open her eyes or even answer.  The hospice nurse assures us that she can still hear what we say to her and feel our touch.  So we spending a lot of time holding her hand and talking to her.  She has been able to answer a few times with an "I love you", but for the most part she does not have the energy or ability to say more.  I guess it is only fitting that the last words Amber may be able to formulate in this life be "I love you".  I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't also the first.  Amber and I have always tried to make those words the most important in our home.  We never leave the house, hang up the phone, or go to bed with saying "I love you".  Our children have adopted that also. 

This morning I told Amber as she was sleeping that the Sabbath Day, which she has always honored and kept, would be a wonderful day to rest from all her cares and struggles and since she can't go to church to worship she could go to His presence and worship Him there.  We are as ready as we can be to have her leave us and go there.  Even the kids see that as the better option now.  So we now wait.  As we wait I think I have alternated between heavy heart and full heart.  I am so thankful that my heart is filled and strengthened.  I know many people are praying for our peace, especially Amber's, as she prepares to leave this life and enter the rest that the Savior has promised.  "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)  This is the peace we are hoping and praying for for Amber and ourselves.  We are trying to obtain it in His way. 

Dear Friends & Family,

Amber took a sudden step in her seemingly slow walk toward ultimately winning the battle over cancer and overcoming this world.  She had quite a struggle physically on Tuesday and Wednesday but is now comfortable.  Her hospice nurse told me she has maybe a couple of days.  Her path to this point has been marked by many miracles great and small.  Please join our family in praying for one more that takes her peacefully and wrapped in the loving arms of the Savior, from this life without further struggle.   I believe she has truly fought the good fight, has finished her course, and has kept the faith.  What more can be said for a life well lived, used to its fullest, and devoted to the Lord?  I do not believe that Amber's will be a life lost, for I believe that a life lost is one lived without ever having truly loved others, and without loving the Savior.  We love you and appreciate your continued prayers for her peace and ultimate victory. 

Love,

Dan

Hello dear family and friends!  Our family has been lost in our own little world the last little while.  The kids escape to school and I escape to work for 5 hours day but other than that we are here together at home.  Awareness of world events, sporting events, or extra school activities is very low.  This morning I was making fresh peach pancakes with Bekah and she asked if I remembered when we used to jam out to our favorite music while cooking breakfast and cleaning house Saturday mornings before Amber got sick.  We used to dance around, sing the songs at the top of our lungs, and happily accomplish just barely more than zero between breakfast and lunch even though we were supposedly doing chores.  She went on mixing ingredients.  She is so cute in the kitchen she is predictably careful and exact.  If you know Bekah, you know what I mean.  She left me marveling at how infrequently I find myself thinking about how things used to be before cancer (BC). 

I consider it one of the Lord's tender mercies that I am not missing the sweet parts about NOW by being a slave to what once was.  Many people focus on what cancer has taken away from them and others.  I believe that the Lord has helped me to focus on now which naturally allows me to focus more on His blessings and having gratitude for what he has given me now.

It's amazing that in the laboratory of life experience the Lord chooses clinical experiences for us that are bitter and some that are sweet so that we will learn to desire the sweet.  Neal A. Maxwell explained, “The sharp, side-by-side contrast of the sweet and the bitter is essential until the very end of this brief, mortal experience.”  If you and I walk in wisdom's paths we will learn what methods and processes in life lead us to experience lasting peace, joy, and happiness no matter what is going on in our lives.  The more experience the truly wise have with that side-by-side contrast of bitter and sweet, the less likely we are to take short cuts that lead to that which is fleeting and not fulfilling. 

On Monday, September 21st Amber passed her 5 month anniversary since her last chemo treatment.  When she went on hospice I remember her saying, "now I am really in the Lord's hands".  When she put herself in the Lord's hands if you had asked her if she would expect to be alive in 5 months I think she would have been no more than cautiously optimistic but not really hopeful.  Amber is sleeping a lot now and she gets a little frustrated because she does not like to, as she puts it, "sleep her life away".  She has days where she is not able to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time even sitting up in her recliner.  Other days she is able to stay awake for eight hours strait in her recliner with only a little dozing.  She had an especially tough week the week of her 31st birthday (September 14-19th).  She was fighting some sort of infection and was fevered and feeling really yucky.  Its a good thing we had the huge, wonderful party 10 days before.  The fever has gone away and so did the infection.  Amber is declining slowly as each week  passes.  She is getting weaker, sleeps more, and eats less,  I don't know how much longer she will be here.  I have left that firmly in the Lord's hands.  The hospice team takes such good care of Amber and all of us that we could not ask for more.  We love and appreciate Carol and Sean from hospice for the loving care they give.  Amber's days are filled with comfortable rest interrupted by an occasional fist fight between kids.  If she has pain day or night or even on the weekends that her pump is not covering Carol or one of the on call nurses are quick to come help.  All I hope for at this time in Amber's life is that she have her pain managed, be able to rest comfortably, and feel the Lord's peace. 

I want to express with all my heart how grateful I am for the loving kindness of everyone.  I want to thank our angel mothers for their consistent presence in our lives and the great care.  I want to thank the army of ladies from church who bring wonderful meals to my family.  What a burden you lift!  Also our dear friend Dan Peck for the days and days that he has spent in our yard pulling weeds and trimming things.  It would be a beautiful mess instead of just beautiful without him.  I want to thank everyone for the loving cards given to Amber at her party and sent pretty much every day since.  She is so appreciative of your love and thoughtfulness.  I also want to thank Amber's friends from the breast cancer community.  None of you know Amber in a traditional sense but you show love and concern for her in very real ways.  The beautiful floral arrangement and cards from many of you for her birthday was especially appreciated.  I thank the Lord for his mercy and grace in our lives each day!  I truly stand all amazed.  . 

I am throwing a surprise party for Amber and anyone who knows and/or loves Amber is invited!  I know this is a tremendous risk posting this on her own blog but since she doesn't spend very much time on her computer any more I thought it was an acceptable risk. I apologize in advance for scheduling this party when some will be out of town for Labor Day but Amber's hospice nurse told me she would be better able to handle the rigors of such a thing now rather than later.

The purpose of the party is three-fold.  First, its Amber's birthday soon and I have always told her I would throw her a nice big party with all of her friends when she turned 30.  Last year she turned 30 and she was so sick and down from her brain tumor and going back on chemo she told me if I was planning to do what I had always said to wait until she was done with chemo.  She is certainly done with chemo now so I am doing it.  Second reason, I want Amber to feel the love of so many people around her.  Imagine what seeing a couple of hundred people who love and care for her would do to her heart.  My hope is that it will carry her through until her time to leave this life.  Third, I want to have a chance to express my love and appreciation to YOU for your special love and tender care during the last couple of years.  So I am going to feed you a nice dinner. 

Party Details

Invited: All adults young and old who know and/or love Amber.

When: Saturday, September 5th 6:30-8:30pm

Where: The Ted&Claudia Petersen and Chris&Melissa Marx yards. 
2285 S. Linda Way  Perry UT

Food: Dinner will be served my treat except we do ask that you bring a dessert or salad to share.

Entertainment: Acclaimed LDS Singer
Jenny Jordan Frogley

No Gifts or Children.  Amber does love cards and adorable newer babies though. 

I cannot believe how long it has been since we have posted anything.  Our days are filled with love and caring for one another.  That is not to say that life is idyllic.  Our wonderful children, try as they may, still have melt downs and little dust ups over toys and who is right about a certain subject.  We are striving to make our home a contention free zone where there Spirit of the Lord resides more of the time so that we can feel His peace.  We are certainly not perfect at it but it is a worthy pursuit that is very appropriate during this time in our lives.  Actually, it is a worthy goal for all times of life its just that the value of it now seems greater than gold and does not fluctuate like the stock market. 

Amber has been having more and more difficulty getting out of the house.  Her level of energy is really low and she only controls her pain well when she is in bed or in her recliner.  On August 22nd she had a great desire to go to the temple.  For those who do not know, the temple is a place where we go to worship, learn, make covenants with the Lord, and feel close to heaven.  When you go you are usually there a couple of hours.  Based on the week she had I was unsure if she would be able to go.  She insisted on going no matter what and we went and were strengthened spiritually.  

On Sunday the 23rd they dedicated a new Temple and had a sweet service that she really wanted to attend.  Again I doubted whether she could make it based on pain and fatigue.  Yet again she taught me a sermon on faith, dedication, and courage by going against all odds.  We were able to attend with our children Blake, Bekah, and Abby.  Caleb and Ammon could not go because you had to be at least 8 years old.  We all felt the spirit of the Lord very strong and appreciated the opportunity to consider heavenly things together as a family.  How grateful we are that we have been able to learn together as a family God’s plan for our happiness and eternal progress.  It brings great peace to us all to know where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going when this life ends.  I know that the things we have learned are true and the promises of God are sure.  He knows where we are going and the path we must follow and why.  We can trust Him!

When Amber went on hospice at the beginning of May she wanted more than anything to be able to do things with our children while they were out of school.  We wondered because her oncologist thought she only had 3 months to live, if she would be able to accomplish this.  Many prayers have been offered by us and our children to allow Amber to participate in all of our family activities this summer.  The children started school August 31st.  Because of the grace, mercy, and love of the Lord Amber has made it.  We are so grateful to the Lord for granting us this great blessing.  The summer was truly wonderful and lifelong memories were made.  When we plead with the Lord to remove our burdens from us he always has the power to do so but some times it is not His will.  He is always mindful of us and our suffering and always stands ready to strengthen us, help us, and ease our burdens.  He always stands ready to heal our broken hearts.  All that is required is that we answer his constant call, “Come unto Me”.  I am grateful for His tender mercy of allowing Amber this season to be with her children.  Things like this help me to know that He knows our thoughts and He knows our hearts.  The Savior of us all does not leave us comfortless or alone.  

Now we just have Ammon home all day with grandma.  He misses the kids a little but is enjoying the individual attention and not having to compete for toys with Caleb.  Amber has still been sleeping a lot.  A week ago our wonderful hospice nurse Carol helped Amber with the decision to get a pain pump.  This allows her to have a constant stream of pain medication even if she is asleep.  She can hit a button for an extra amount if she needs it.  This allows her to stay on top of her pain management and be more comfortable.  We are grateful for the tender care given by Carol and also the social worker Sean who helps us all a great deal.  

I have decided as of this week to only work 5 hours per day so that I can spend more time with Amber and be more involved in her care.  This also allows me to be around my children more so they feel secure and have more access to a parent.  I feel good about my decision and enjoyed being home more yesterday.  I appreciate my co-worker’s willingness to pitch in on my workload and members of the management team in the office for allowing me this time.  

Thank you for all of your prayers, love and support.