I had the best surprise in a long time last Saturday when nearly 200 friends and family members gathered to celebrate my 31st birthday (10 days early.) I had no idea that this was in the works. Dan put this together for me, and I just love him so much. I know a lot of other people put a lot of time and effort into making the party so wonderful. Thank you to all who helped with food, decorations, invitations, entertainment. Thanks to the Petersons for hosting it. I just love that family! Their yard was beautiful.
I am humbled that so many would go to so much trouble for me. I feel so loved! I can't believe how many people came! It was so great to see friends I haven't seen in years, and all of the friends I've made throughout my life. All of the hugs and love filled me with so much gratitude and strength. To see all of you gathered together was amazing. I have also received many cards from those who were not able to make it, so thank you to all who have sent cards. We were graced with the musical talents of Jenny Jordan Frogley, one of my very favorite Gospel/ contemporary singers. She sang some of my favorite songs, and her performance was awesome. I am so grateful that she would take time out of her busy life to entertain at my party. She was simply wonderful. I have to share the thoughts that I had when I arrived the night of the party, and realized that it was a surprise party for me. (I thought we were just stopping by to visit the Peterson's before Dan and I headed out to dinner) I saw tons of balloons, and really hoped we were crashing somebody else's party. I had a unique feeling when I walked into the beautiful backyard, and saw all of the loving, smiling faces of everyone waiting there. There was a hushed, almost reverent feeling. Tears welled in my eyes, as I saw all of the friends and loved ones gathered, I couldn't help but wonder if soon another gathering will be taking place. I wonder if once I leave this life, and I enter heaven, I might see another gathering of previously deceased friends and family, waiting to greet me and celebrate my life. I imagine it will be so similar to the sight that greeted me the night of my party. It gives me great comfort to have this little insight to what arriving in heaven may be like! What a party it will be!
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I am throwing a surprise party for Amber and anyone who knows and/or loves Amber is invited! I know this is a tremendous risk posting this on her own blog but since she doesn't spend very much time on her computer any more I thought it was an acceptable risk. I apologize in advance for scheduling this party when some will be out of town for Labor Day but Amber's hospice nurse told me she would be better able to handle the rigors of such a thing now rather than later.
The purpose of the party is three-fold. First, its Amber's birthday soon and I have always told her I would throw her a nice big party with all of her friends when she turned 30. Last year she turned 30 and she was so sick and down from her brain tumor and going back on chemo she told me if I was planning to do what I had always said to wait until she was done with chemo. She is certainly done with chemo now so I am doing it. Second reason, I want Amber to feel the love of so many people around her. Imagine what seeing a couple of hundred people who love and care for her would do to her heart. My hope is that it will carry her through until her time to leave this life. Third, I want to have a chance to express my love and appreciation to YOU for your special love and tender care during the last couple of years. So I am going to feed you a nice dinner. Party Details Invited: All adults young and old who know and/or love Amber. When: Saturday, September 5th 6:30-8:30pm Where: The Ted&Claudia Petersen and Chris&Melissa Marx yards. 2285 S. Linda Way Perry UT Food: Dinner will be served my treat except we do ask that you bring a dessert or salad to share. Entertainment: Acclaimed LDS Singer Jenny Jordan Frogley No Gifts or Children. Amber does love cards and adorable newer babies though. I cannot believe how long it has been since we have posted anything. Our days are filled with love and caring for one another. That is not to say that life is idyllic. Our wonderful children, try as they may, still have melt downs and little dust ups over toys and who is right about a certain subject. We are striving to make our home a contention free zone where there Spirit of the Lord resides more of the time so that we can feel His peace. We are certainly not perfect at it but it is a worthy pursuit that is very appropriate during this time in our lives. Actually, it is a worthy goal for all times of life its just that the value of it now seems greater than gold and does not fluctuate like the stock market.
Amber has been having more and more difficulty getting out of the house. Her level of energy is really low and she only controls her pain well when she is in bed or in her recliner. On August 22nd she had a great desire to go to the temple. For those who do not know, the temple is a place where we go to worship, learn, make covenants with the Lord, and feel close to heaven. When you go you are usually there a couple of hours. Based on the week she had I was unsure if she would be able to go. She insisted on going no matter what and we went and were strengthened spiritually. On Sunday the 23rd they dedicated a new Temple and had a sweet service that she really wanted to attend. Again I doubted whether she could make it based on pain and fatigue. Yet again she taught me a sermon on faith, dedication, and courage by going against all odds. We were able to attend with our children Blake, Bekah, and Abby. Caleb and Ammon could not go because you had to be at least 8 years old. We all felt the spirit of the Lord very strong and appreciated the opportunity to consider heavenly things together as a family. How grateful we are that we have been able to learn together as a family God’s plan for our happiness and eternal progress. It brings great peace to us all to know where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going when this life ends. I know that the things we have learned are true and the promises of God are sure. He knows where we are going and the path we must follow and why. We can trust Him! When Amber went on hospice at the beginning of May she wanted more than anything to be able to do things with our children while they were out of school. We wondered because her oncologist thought she only had 3 months to live, if she would be able to accomplish this. Many prayers have been offered by us and our children to allow Amber to participate in all of our family activities this summer. The children started school August 31st. Because of the grace, mercy, and love of the Lord Amber has made it. We are so grateful to the Lord for granting us this great blessing. The summer was truly wonderful and lifelong memories were made. When we plead with the Lord to remove our burdens from us he always has the power to do so but some times it is not His will. He is always mindful of us and our suffering and always stands ready to strengthen us, help us, and ease our burdens. He always stands ready to heal our broken hearts. All that is required is that we answer his constant call, “Come unto Me”. I am grateful for His tender mercy of allowing Amber this season to be with her children. Things like this help me to know that He knows our thoughts and He knows our hearts. The Savior of us all does not leave us comfortless or alone. Now we just have Ammon home all day with grandma. He misses the kids a little but is enjoying the individual attention and not having to compete for toys with Caleb. Amber has still been sleeping a lot. A week ago our wonderful hospice nurse Carol helped Amber with the decision to get a pain pump. This allows her to have a constant stream of pain medication even if she is asleep. She can hit a button for an extra amount if she needs it. This allows her to stay on top of her pain management and be more comfortable. We are grateful for the tender care given by Carol and also the social worker Sean who helps us all a great deal. I have decided as of this week to only work 5 hours per day so that I can spend more time with Amber and be more involved in her care. This also allows me to be around my children more so they feel secure and have more access to a parent. I feel good about my decision and enjoyed being home more yesterday. I appreciate my co-worker’s willingness to pitch in on my workload and members of the management team in the office for allowing me this time. Thank you for all of your prayers, love and support. To start off, I thought I would give a quick status update. I had some really bad pain issues these past few weeks. I had some new pain down my back, which was nerve pain that caused pain all the way down my leg into my foot. I was suffering the most since I went on hospice. Finally on Monday I was feeling better. My nurse and doctor worked daily adjusting medicines and doses to try to relieve my pain. I am so glad they were successful. I was worried to have new pain, and it is discouraging to know that the cancer is growing and spreading and getting worse.
Because I am on hospice, I can no longer have scans done to see where and how much the cancer is growing.. The assumption is that the cancer IS growing and it will eventually get to the point where it kills me. Hospice's role is to keep me comfortable while this happens, not prevent it from happening. When I stopped chemo, I felt guilty. I thought maybe I should research different trial drugs or something. I felt that choosing to quit chemo was choosing to die. Dan always says that deciding to do chemo is not necessarily deciding to live, because the chemo may not work and you die anyway. Or, the chemo does damage to your liver and heart (like it was doing to me) and you die quicker. Choosing not to continue chemo is not choosing to die either. I did not choose to get cancer, so choosing not to poison myself to maybe slow down the cancer or shrink it, is not choosing to die. The only choice I have is how I live each day I have. How I choose to treat those around me, how to make every day count. That is all any of us have. Life is not guaranteed. I realized this again when a dear friend of ours died suddenly from blood clots after having knee surgery. He was only 41 years old. How grateful I am to KNOW that I am dying, and to have the time to prepare. I don't think I will ever be ready. How could I be ready to leave my friends, family, and my children. Ugh. Sorry for be such a downer!  Summer is 2/3 over, and I can hardly believe it! We have been living each day to the fullest. We have enjoyed a trip to Wolf Creek and a week at Bear Lake. Dan and I have enjoyed 2 Friday night stays at Anniversary Inn in Logan. We have been in a parade, watched fireworks, went swimming, had picnics and backyard bar-b-ques. Dan and I went on a 4 day cruise to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. It was very relaxing and I was surprised how much I was able to eat! As Dan said in his recent post, I am sleeping a lot, and most days I don't get out of bed until 2pm. I plan on the rest of summer to be just as fun, although a little slower pace. Every day I live is a gift. Every moment is precious.    Dan and I at Anniversary Inn    Bear Lake July 2009     The biggest difference in my life since I stopped chemo and went on hospice is the quality of my life. I was so sick on chemo, and I wasn't living. I would go days without getting out of bed. Now I am up and about every day, even though I still sleep a lot. I feel good, I really do. There are times when I am completely pain free if I remember to stay on top of all my meds. The biggest challenge I face is still being tired, and wearing out quickly. I don't have a lot of energy, and I need a lot of sleep. However, I feel a thousand times better than when I was so sick from the chemo.
My hospice nurses are also amazed at how well I am doing. They tell me often that I am holding up way better than they thought I would based on when they first met me. I had just completed 8 months of chemo, and was so beat up from it. As my body has healed from the chemo damage, I have been able to eat more, and therefore have more energy. Words can not explain how miserable I was, and how much better I feel now. I just pray that the medicine continues to keep me as comfortable as possible. I wish I didn't sleep as much as I do. It makes me feel like life is just slipping by while I sleep. I miss so many minutes and hours with my children, but I am so grateful for the help of my mom and mom-in-law spending the whole day helping me and caring for the kids. "What Matters Most Lasts the Longest"
I really cannot believe how fast time flies. I have been trying to get a post done for more than a week. Our family has been doing pretty well. We are just living our own brand of normal and trying to live every moment to the fullest. That does not mean that we are doing fun, thrilling, entertaining things every moment. It also doesn’t mean that we are running around filling every second with what ever whim or activity comes to mind. I think we are trying, sometimes more successfully than others, to make every moment we can fulfilling and meaningful in some way. An extra long hug, or running back into a room one or two more times for a kiss, reading just one more book or playing one more game with Ammon, an extra couple of scripture verses read as a family, extra moments spent in family prayer, letting the kids stay up just a few minutes more, letting them play night games with the neighbor kids a few minutes later, a late night run to Sonic for a cream slush. If you take out our vacations our life is really quite simple and may not seem that busy or even exciting. But I have learned that life can be simple and not too busy and still be amazingly fulfilling and joyful. I think the secret is enriching your life by spending more time on the best things. Many of the things that we clutter our lives with, while they are not bad, are also not the best things. Amber’s illness has given us the unique opportunity to cut out almost everything that is not absolutely essential in our lives. At first we sorrowed that parts of our lives that we thought made us happy or made us who we are were being lost. But what we found was that while we miss some of the things we gave up, we were left with what really helped us be our best selves and what was most essential to a happy, fulfilling, existence. That is faith, love, and a job to pay the bills. We have learned that what is most important to us is our relationship with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, our relationship with our family, and taking care of our family. So with our simplified life we enrich our lives by enriching those areas. We certainly are not perfect at this but as we have gone through the process I described we have become more content and found much joy. It’s definitely a case of addition by subtraction. My Sleeping Beauty Last year we referred to our experiences as the “Year of a Million Dreams”. Now Amber is literally living that phrase. A little bitter-sweet poetic justice I guess. Our wonderful hospice team has told us from the beginning that Amber would sleep more and more as her body progressed through the stages of shutting down. That has really been the case. A month ago Amber routinely slept until about noon and now she sleeps well past that. Her record so far is yesterday when she slept until 4:00PM. This is not the normal kind of extra sleeping most of us do when we wake up and then pull the covers over our heads and try to sleep and extra twenty minutes or an hour all the while we can hear every bird chirp, neighbor’s lawn mower, etc. Her sleep is a deep sleep where five kids down stairs playing, watching TV, and sometimes fighting, the a friend cleaning house, her mom coming in for a laundry basket, and the phone ringing does not wake her up. She does not even move while she sleeps. Sundays are really difficult for Amber. She loves to attend church services and really draws great spiritual strength when she attends. However, our services begin at 9:00AM and it is so difficult for her to force herself out of bed 6+ hours earlier than normal to attend. She does it anyway though. She gets up at 8:30AM, gets ready and arrives at church just in time. She would love to attend Sunday School and Relief Society (a class for women) but she can hardly stay awake during sacrament meeting so she goes home and sleeps for 5-6 hours. It’s extremely difficult for her to be awake 6-7 hours earlier than normal but she does it anyway. Now you understand what I mean when I say Amber is literally living the “Year of a Million Dreams”. We are blessed to have Amber’s mother and my mother up at our house taking care of the kids while I am at work and Amber is sleeping. We have great children but I know that without our mothers I would never get anything done at work worrying about their well being and if they were allowing Amber to rest. Suggestion Box We are in a quandary about what to do next. For the last few months we have been hoping and praying that Amber would be well enough to do the things we planned for May, June and July. We were concerned that she would decline too much to do San Diego, Wolf Creek, and Bear Lake. She has been blessed with slow decline at this point and was able to enjoy all of those vacations plus the last minute cruise we planned a couple of weeks ago. If you have any simple but enjoyable outing or vacation ideas leave a comment on this post with the details. It needs to be within 2 hours of home, and not require much physical exertion for Amber or be wheel chair accessible. If your activity or vacation is selected you will be rewarded with the satisfaction of knowing you helped us live every moment to the fullest. Note from Amber’s secretary Amber is still well enough to have visitors. She enjoys talking and enjoying the company of others. Because of her extended sleep time, evening visits are best. Please call me at 435-730-2656 cell to schedule an appointment. I reserve the right to cancel or end the scheduling of appointments for visits altogether depending on her condition. For this blog post, I thought I would share the answers to some frequently asked questions. For those who have wondered, and for those who maybe were afraid to ask some of these questions, I am more at peace and able to talk about this whole hospice and preparing to die thing. First of all, I want to thank all of you for your love and support regarding my current path on my cancer journey. This is at times a very difficult road, and I thank you for all of your sweet comments. Your words of love and encouragement bring me so much joy. I know that I am not alone, and your caring comments and prayers offered in my behalf bring me strength that I can not even explain!!!   I have had a difficult time feeling like I want to write anything for my blog. I am so grateful to Dan for his last couple of posts. I am glad that he wrote such touching posts, and I am amazed that he did it all on his own. Hey everyone its Dan again.       |  ArchivesJanuary 2010 CategoriesAll ArchivesJanuary 2010    All text and pictures copyright Amber Chase.
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