Maybe hate seems a little strong. Lets try LOATHE instead. I hate the prep for tests, I hate waiting for the tests, I hate waiting for the test results. Suffice it to say then, that I LOATHE the whole experience of tests.
I am concerned that the chemo is not working. I am still having pain in the same places (left hip, femur, pelvis, sternum,) and it is getting worse not better. Plus I am having more headaches and more pain higher up my back. So when I went to the doctor on Wednesday, I requested some scans be done so we can see if the chemo is working. My fear is that if the chemo isn't working, we need to know that sooner rather than later so we can get it changed to something else before the cancer gets too out of control.
So, the tough gal Meridan at Dr.H's pulled some strings and got me scheduled for a PET-CT scan a mere two days later, when at first they told her the soonest they could do the scan was Oct.9th.
I have had a little cold, so I wasn't sure if Dr. H would let me have Taxol this week, but I insisted and he did. Problem now is, the couple of days after chemo, all I eat are rolls, bread, crackers, and 7-up and *gasp* coca cola. Well, to do the prep for the PET-CT scan, you get no carbs the day before or the day of. And you have to lay in bed and rest. No physical exertion or stress. Notice the word stress. I am a mother of 5. If I tell the kids I need to rest, and not to cause me stress, what are they going to do? You guessed it. Have fist fights, and fight, and yell, and argue, and cause me stress. Sheesh.
So, I had the PET-CT scan on Friday, I took some cool pictures of being injected with radioactive dye (doesn't that stuff cause cancer?) and I had the pleasure of enjoying my beverage of choice, barfium sulfate. Only 3/4 a bottle this time however. Now I have to wait until Tuesday to get the test results. I plan on getting to the hospital a little early on Tuesday so I can go to medical records and have my test results in hand and read through, so I can go in armed if we need to make a chemo change. I just feel like you have to take your treatment into your own hands. These doctors are so busy and have so many patients, and I just have one patient to look after. ME. I need to take the best care of myself, and know as much as I can, so I can help the doctors give me the very best care that is needed.
I was so excited when I found a cute new short wig, and felt so much cuter wearing it than my out of control natural curls. Don't get me wrong, I loved my curls, and much rather have them than be shaved and bald like I am now. However, I had so much fun getting the first wig, I decided I needed to try out a couple of more styles. So I went a searching on ebay, and found an ebay store that was selling close out beauty supply products. I was able to buy 2 more wigs at really cheap prices, and it is SO OUTRAGEOUSLY FUN to change my look so totally, so easily. So without further ado, I introduce you to: Blond Amber; Do blonds really have more fun? I will let you know!!
 And here is red head Amber. I always associated the name Amber with a red head person, so as a teenager I actually tried this hair color much to my parents shock and dismay. I really love the color and cut of this wig, but you should have seen Dan's face when he first saw it. You could literally see the wheels turning in his head trying to think of what to say that wouldn't get him into TOO much trouble. He just gave me a big painful smile, and that just about said it all.
 And here is the wig I posted a picture of just a few posts ago. This picture is me and Bekah at SO you Think YOU can DANCE? Live tour. Oh my gosh it was so fun!!! The dancers were SO more amazing live, and the banter between numbers with the performers was hilarious!!! I am so glad we went. Even though the next morning my throat was about swollen shut from yelling and cheering, and laughing so much. I have had a bit of a cold, and then I have sores in my mouth and throat from chemo, then add cheering on top of that, makes for one miserable girl the next morning! I have more pictures from this event I will post over in pictures one of these days.
 This picture is of me a year ago at my sister in law's, Kellie's, wedding. This wig had a very itchy irritating cap on it so I probably only wore it a total of 6 times. The wigs I bought this time around are so much more comfortable, and not as itchy and irritating. Also, I think wearing wigs during the summer months is just way too hot, and wigs seem a lot more doable during the winter.
So which wig do you like the best? Please feel free to leave a comment and let me know which one you like best. Do I look better as a blond, brunette, red head, or dark rooted blond. My personal favorite is the dark rooted blond, and the red. I might have to get another of the red head style, but dark rooted dark blond color. Oh what fun all these options are!!!! Not to mention all of the options I have with all of my hats. But that is a post for another sleepless night!!!!!!!!
Okay, so time doesn't exactly fly while you're having chemo, but the week in between chemo treatments certainly flies by. It seems just like I was just at the hospital yesterday getting chemo, and here it is another week has past, and it is chemo time again. The days seem to crawl by, but time really is flying by.
I didn't have chemo on Tuesday this week, because I changed my appointment so I take Bekah to SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE ON TOUR. It was SO FUN!!! The dancers were all so amazing, and it was just awesome to see them dance live. Plus the dialog between numbers, and the interaction between the dancers was so entertaining. I took tons of pictures, and hope to get some posted over on the pictures link.
I also still need to do a detailed post on the brain radiation treatment, plus a bunch of other things. I plan on bringing my laptop to the hospital with me so I can maybe work on uploading pictures etc. while i am getting chemo. My goal is to bring things with me to #1 be productive while I am there and #2 do things to help the time pass quicker. This chemo treatment will be #5 of #18. I will be almost 1/3 the way done. Yippeee!!!!
I am big. I am bald. I sure don't feel beautiful, though.........
I was listening to my ipod while I was at chemo on Tuesday. I have the soundtrack to Hairspray on it. I was laughing inside when I heard the song that Queen Latifah sings on it called "Big, Blond, and Beautiful" I thought that sounds just like me, except I am big BALD and beautiful.
Because of the steroids I have been on to prevent brain swelling from the tumor and brain radiation, I have gained 23 pounds in 3 weeks. That is so depressing. I took my last dose of steroids yesterday, so I hope that I stop gaining weight, and the weight I gained goes away quickly. What is even more depressing is that I have gained that weight, and I haven't even been eating very much because I feel so crappy from the chemo. You would think that if I have to go through all of these cancer treatments and be sick, at least I would loose weight. Oh well.
I didn't want to be bald for my 30th birthday, so I prayed that my hair would last until then. I trimmed my hair really short when it started falling out like crazy on Sept. 3rd. The last few days I just put gel in my hair, and lots of hairspray so my hair was all stuck together. Otherwise I was shedding hair EVERYWHERE. SO messy. I had to wear a soft knit cap when I slept because so much hair fell out while I slept. Poor Dan kept on getting hair in his mouth at night.
So, Monday in the middle of the night, I couldn't sleep. I had taken a shower before bed, and when I washed my hair, I tried to rinse the shampoo out, and my hair just kept falling out, and falling out, and falling out. I didn't want to shave my head ON my actual birthday (too traumatic). So I went to bed, but couldn't go to sleep. I finally got out of bed about 3:00 in the morning, and decided I was just going to shave my head. But when I got out of bed, I tripped and fell and woke Dan up. He helped me shave my head, and when I looked in the mirror and started to bawl, he just held me and cried with me. This time loosing my hair has been a lot more traumatic.
Here are the kids responses to my "NEW NO-HAIR-DO"
Blake: He just rubbed my head and said, FUZZY.
Bekah and Abby just gave me a big hug, and both told me they still thought I was pretty.
Caleb: Mom, with your hair like that, you look just like Daddy's twin, and it is SO cool.
Ammon: When I took my turban off and showed him my bald head for the first time (He was too young to remember about me being bald a year ago) he said "On Mom, put it on Mom." and took the turban from me and tried to put it back on me. I tried to have him rub my fuzzy head, (because he really likes rubbing Daddy's fuzzy head). But Ammon won't even touch mine. I think he will get used to it.
I will be brave and post a bald picture of me later, I just haven't had any taken of me yet. Maybe once I loose some of my steroid weight. But here is a picture of my beautiful curls. Maybe next time when my hair grows back in it will be pink and frizzy. At least I know it will grow back. And I ordered a couple more cute wigs. I think I will just have to cover up the mirrors in the house so I don't have to look at myself.
 The CRAZY girls in my family!!!!!!!!!! They ROCK!
A year ago I turned 29. I wondered, and was a little doubtful, that I would make it to my 30th birthday. Well, I DID!!!!! I turned 30 today. It seems like we partied all weekend. My family (my dear wonderful sisters did most of the planning from what I hear) threw me the most fabulous surprise party on Saturday. I had NO IDEA that this was even in the works.
My mom had told me that my Grandma L. wanted to have one last family dinner at her house while the weather was still good, plus my Aunt Jan would be up from Vegas because my Grandpa L. had a heart procedure done this last week. So, we show up to my Grandmas house, late of course. When I walked into the backyard, there were like 3 cameras pointed at me. I looked around at everyone, and then everyone shouted SURPRISE. Everyone had PINK hair. They either had spray painted , or dyed, or got pink hair extensions. SO the first thing that went through my mind was that they were throwing me a party to show support for my battling cancer.
Then everyone started to sing Happy Birthday, and it finally clicked in my head that it was a surprise Birthday party for me. I was so overwhelmed, and happy, and touched that all of my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, grandmas, grandpas, brothers, sisters, would all come and show their love and caring for little old me. I am so glad that everyone came. It was so nice to get hugs from you all, and I just felt so LOVED. It was so sweet, and I really needed that.
Everything was TINKERBELL. I had the most adorable Tinkerbell cake, balloons, and plates. I felt so special. My parents gave me a Tinkerbell porcelain doll, with fairy dust. Maybe I can use it to fly to neverland, and then I will never have to grow up. Plus I bet they don't have cancer in Neverland. I love the Disney Fairies, and Tinkerbell has always been my favorite. Bekah and Abby are really jealous, I think.
Everyone gave me the most thoughtful gift. I received a $200 gift certificate to a local spa. The list of all the heavenly sounding services just made me so excited. I figured out that there is enough that I can go get a facial and a pedicure, foot massage etc. once a month on my week off from chemo. I will be able to look forward to a special pampering each month, and that will help me get through the hard weeks. I can't wait to go the first time. I am going to have to talk my mom and sisters into going with me at least once. I think it will be a lot of fun if we go together. My next week off is the week of October 6th-12th. I do have an MRI that week, and a follow up doctors appointment with the radiation oncologist, but we can still fit in some spoiling and pampering, right girls!?
Last year when I turned 29, I said that the next year when I turned 30 I wanted a RAGER of a birthday party. I had assumed that my cancer would be a bad memory, and that I would be healthy, stable, and fine. I didn't expect to get a brain tumor, and be back on chemo again so soon. I told Dan not to throw me a party right now, because I just didn't feel like celebrating. I told him we could have my 30th birthday celebration after I was done with this 6 months of chemo. I know he felt bad because he had been planning a party for me with all of our friends and his family etc. So everyone, plan on a 30th year celebration sometime in the Spring. We can celebrate my 30 1/2 birthday.
 Here we are as a family at my Birthday party. Unfortunately Blake was gone to his Dad's this weekend, so he wasn't able to be there. We need to photoshop him into the photo.
 Here I am with my sweetheart Dan. I was an emotional wreck, crying and upset all day, and Dan took the day off from work, so he had to put up with me crying and being sad all day today. I was a little down because I am dreading chemo again, my hair is falling out like crazy, and this just isn't what I had pictured for my life at this time. Plus because of the STUPID steroids I have to be on because of swelling in the brain, I have gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks. It just isn't fair!!! I don't eat that much, and I feel sick all the time, and yet I have gained weight. YUCK. My hair is all falling out, and pretty soon I am going to just look like a fat bald old man.. So depressing!!!!! It comes back to that HOPE thing again. I just need to remember that and not focus on all of the hard, difficult things, and focus on all the good things that happen. Even if it just a simple hug or kiss!!!!!
 This is a beautiful, soft, breast cancer fleece blanket that my Aunt Stacy and my cousins made for me. It is absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to snuggle up in it when I don't feel good. I have always wanted a breast cancer blanket, and this one is perfect. Thank you so much guys!!!!!
 I also just had to share these pictures of my cute kids at the party. I love them so much, and they are what keeps me going through the hard times. If I didn't love them so much, and want to be here to be there mother, and hug and kiss them, and spend precious moments with them, I wouldn't go through all of this pain and suffering. They are my everything, and I am grateful for everyday that I get to spend with them. I just hope I live long enough that little 2.5 yr old Ammon will remember me...........
Thanks to everyone else who spoiled me rotten today. I received so many nice phone calls from Family members and friends, and sweet touching cards from so many friends, and thoughtful gifts. I got to enjoy lunch with a bunch of gals from my ward, and Annette, thank you for buying my lunch. I got treats from friends, and pampering gifts, lip gloss from Nancy, soft fuzzy socks, sweet Alice wrote me a poem, and a Henry B. Eyring book from Nola. My sweet friend Kristin brought me some bright cheery balloons, Krystal brought me some rice krispy treats (YUM!) My dear mother in law made me the softest silkiest most beautiful blanket and pillow cases and rice heat bag. I know it will be heavenly to wrap up in it tomorrow after I get home from treatment. My sister in law Rachel sent me the nicest letter, (you made me BAWL) and gave me some money to buy myself something fabulous! My other sis-in-law made the CUTEST card, and gave me some more super soft, fuzzy warm socks. They are pink, and oh so cute!!!! I even got a phone call from my brother in law Ben, who is on a business trip by Hershey Pennsylvania. (He told me that he is going to bring me something from Hershey. He knows what I LOVE) Dan got me some soft Halloween socks, and also a LIBRARY card. (We have NO MORE room on our bookshelves to buy anymore books. I love to read, So now I can check out books, and not have to find a place to keep them.) He also took me shopping on Saturday for some new clothes, and bought me some of my favorite shower gel, chocolate scented, YUM. I can enjoy that, and it won't make me put on even more weight!!! My parents also got me the softest slipper socks, and some new cute PJ's, because when you are going through chemotherapy, you spend more time wearing PJ's than clothes. Plus my dad took me to Salt Lake on Friday to Beethovens 9th Symphony, ODE to JOY. It was phenomenal!!! I enjoyed it so much. My brother in laws mom even gave me a gift, the most beautiful sketch of Christ, plus a CD that their family recorded of songs to help and encourage. I was so touched that they would send a gift for my birthday. See, I told you that I was spoiled. I am sure that I am forgetting other gifts, but I think everyone is just trying to get all the presents in while I am still here, because who knows how many more birthdays I will actually have.........
I really appreciate it all so much. At the times when I feel sad, I love to go back and read all of the kind words you all write, and it gives me so much strength, and your love and support truly lifts my burdens and helps me feel better. I feel guilty sometimes because everyone does so much. I feel like I don't deserve it. I haven't done anything special. I just have cancer, I certainly didn't choose this trial, and I'm not as strong as you all seem to think I am. I just do what I have to do to survive. I can't believe I am putting this out there for everyone to read, but I just don't want everyone to think that I am something that I am not. I cry a lot. I cried a lot today. I am sad. Having cancer is hard, and I really wish that I didn't have to go through all of this. I pray and study and try to figure out why, and I have moments of peace and comfort. But there are moments when my heart aches, and I feel like I can't do this another day.... I try my best, and I hope that it is enough. But please know that I am weak, and scared, and not as strong as you all seem to think I am. I do feel better saying that. But now you know the truth. I am hoping that because this is such a long blog journal entry that no one is actually going to read this last paragraph. And if you did, well, now you know the truth.
Hope is a funny thing. It can change so fast. One can be hopeful for one thing, and then everything can change in an instant. When I first began treatment for inflammatory breast cancer, 16 months ago if you can believe it, I had hope. I hoped that the treatments would work, I hoped that all the cancer cells would be killed. I hoped that I would survive all of the pain and suffering of the chemotherapy, surgeries, and radiation. My hope was that I was going to go through all of these difficult treatments, and then I would be "stable" for years. I hoped that I would only need to go in for my maintenance doses every three weeks.
Well, as it so often happens, life changes. In May I started having headaches. Just one little spot that hurt in my head. Not all the time. But it was there, and it worried me. I didn't tell anyone else, because I was hoping it was nothing. In June, the pain in my hip and back began to me more sore and persistent. In July, along my mastectomy scar line, I began to have sores and red and swelling as the cancer was growing there again. Needless to say, because I had placed my HOPE on "stable for years" which is what the doctor told us best case scenario, I was devastated. This is NOT what was supposed to happen.
So, I spent a couple of weeks quite down in the dumps. I felt like I had lost hope. I questioned my ability to go through chemotherapy again. I made the mistake of searching for studies that gave prognosis for IBC with brain mets. That made me feel even more hopeless. I felt lost, and betrayed by my body. I was so hopeful, and positive!!!! How could this have happened??
Well, I found HOPE again. I am hoping for something different this time. I HOPE to smile today. I HOPE to enjoy a precious moment with one of my children. I HOPE to take time to enjoy a beautiful creation. I HOPE that I can be a good example to someone. I HOPE that I can endure whatever trials Heavenly Father gives me, and endure them well. I HOPE to have lived a righteous enough life, that when I die, I can return to my Heavenly Father. I HOPE that my family can find the peace and comfort that I have found. I HOPE I can still be here for as long as Heavenly Father will let me be. I HOPE that I can endure my treatments without too many adverse side effects. I HOPE in my Savior, Jesus Christ, because through HIM, all things are possible.
And to tell you the truth, since my hope has changed, I am happier. I am enjoying the small and simple things. I am laughing and smiling again. I am happy. I have HOPE.
p.s. another reason why I am feeling happier is that I went shopping yesterday and got a new cute short wig. The picture at the top is the new wig. I feel so cute, and I actually like it a lot better than all of the crazy curls I had!!!! The hair is falling out like crazy right now, but that is post for another day.
In my former life, I loved to make handmade cards, and send them out for birthdays, babies, weddings, and thank you cards. Well, the new me is an incredibly tired and lazy person, so I am just going to do some thank you's here on this site. We are always amazed and eternally grateful at all the service and kindness we receive.
Anyway, a BIG HUGE thanks to DeAnn who cleans my house every week. She is a whirlwind. She cleans my house top to bottom every Tuesday, and it is the biggest relief. It is a lifesaver, because I have absolutely no energy for housework, and I don't have the physical strength to be able to mop floors, and scrub toilets and showers and bathtubs. DeAnn has some donors who pay her to come in and clean for me, and I know she is probably doing it a lot for free anyway. I just want to say THANK YOU to all who play a part in this GREAT SERVICE!!!!!!
Also, a few weeks ago I received the most beautiful bouquet of roses from a family friend Jessica. I received them when I got home from my first chemo appointment and they just truly brightened my day!!!! Thanks Jessica!! I also received some beautiful red carnations from Sharon R. that are actually still blooming beautifully.
A couple of people brought me treats this last week, Lori with Brady and Chelsey brought us some yummy zuchinni bread, and Sis. Valcarce and Sis. Topik brought in two wonderful dinners with our favorite treat; PEACHES!!! Thank you thank you!!! Also thanks to Kira and Nancy for driving me to my appointments, Laura for the ice cream, Sis. Kapp for taking care of me and my kids all day Wednesday and even leaving a delicious dinner in my crockpot!!! I also received the sweetest card from Suzi, the mom of a couple of my piano teacher with a beautiful Willow Tree figurine. So sweet and tender. Kris, thanks for driving my kids to registration and JR. Rockettes, and letting my kids invade your house all of the time. You are awesome! We loved the banana zuchinni bread too. Thank you to all of my neighbors who always let my kids come and play so I can rest. And Sharon for being so willing to help with Caleb this week, and for giving my kids popsicles. And Nola and Laura for bringing me a couple of freezer meals for those days when I just need a little help with getting something on the table at dinner. And Nola, your rolls were delicious!!!! Especially with your homemade jam.
And a special thanks to my Mom and Dad. They made me the best Salmon dinner on Sunday before I started chemo, and they are there for me, every step of the way. Supporting me at doctors appointments and tests and procedures, and praying for me, and worrying about me. My so thoughtful Dad even brought me some apple pie, that was so gosh darn delicious, even when nothing else sounded good last week after chemo. I also need to tell Dan's family thanks for taking Caleb and Abby camping. They had so much fun, and were so glad that they had the opportunity to go. And thank you to Ma Chase for spoiling Ammon rotten while I go to chemo. It makes my day a lot easier to just have her meet us at the hospital when I go for chemo, and then bring him back to us at the hospital again when I am done. That way we can just rush me home to bed when I am done with the chemo.
And I can't forget to mention our awesome home teacher, Bro. Brienholt. He has done so much service and helped Dan with so many projects these last couple of months. He is so humble and willing to serve. He truly follows the example of Jesus Christ. All of you do!!! Also to the other men who have been tinkering around in our yard, doing some flower bed weeding, and door frame sanding and painting. I just can't keep track of all of the angels who serve us each and every day. Then, we also received delicious meals from Griffith family, Amie C., Nicole Q., and Lois W. and Jane and Terry from Dan's work. Not only is all of the meals delicious and wonderful, it helps us save money on our grocery budget, which gives us a little more money to pay on all of my doctor bills. My family is so spoiled, and we are so lucky to have these delicious meals brought in every week. If it weren't for you, all my kids would ever get to eat is Ramen Noodles, spaghetti, and pizza.
And no matter how awful I felt on Sunday after getting kids ready for church, and sitting through church (which I love being spiritually fed, I just am exhausted afterwards!) I am so glad that I am able to go and be strengthened and all of the love and support and hugs bring me so much comfort. And then Roxann surprised us with the BEST cinnamon rolls in the world Sunday night. I could have died and gone to heaven they tasted so good.
And then our wonderful, sweet, awesome relief society came over last night with a load of freezer meals. Our fridge was filled with leftovers from the relief society dinner, and then our freezer is full for the next couple of weeks. I am so humbled, and grateful. It is nearly impossible to cook when seeing, smelling, and preparing food just makes you SO SICK, and to know that I don't have to worry about it one little bit for at least a month we are so stocked, is such a relief!!!!!!! We are so blessed.
Honestly, I don't think we can do it without each and every one of you!!!!! And when you see my smiling face and wonder why I am so happy, THIS IS WHY!!! If you had people giving service and love and support, no matter what our trial is, we would be happy. I am sure I have left someone out, and I feel terrible if I have. (If I have failed to mention someone who did something nice for us in the last week or two, THANK YOU, and I will blame chemo brain and the brain tumor for not being able to remember everything.) Every small act of kindness is so appreciated, and we also appreciate all of your prayers on our behalf. Just know of a certanty
Words can never express the overwhelming gratitude we feel. I remember the talk from LDS General Conference, Enduring Together by Richard C. Edgley. I loved his quote "What happens to one, happens to all." The ward family talked about in this talk could have been my ward. It is amazing to see what happens when people have charity, the true love of Christ. Elder Edgley said, "I rejoice in belonging to such a loving and caring organization. No one knows better how to bear one another’s burdens, mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. I choose to call it “enduring together.” What happens to one happens to all. We endure together."
to read this talk called Enduring Together click here
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=e4142bce258f5110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1
I can honestly say that this last month have been very difficult. So many people commend me on my optimism and good attitude, but I have just been having a hard time feeling that way this last month. Words can not express the fear and frustration of knowing that I now have cancer in my brain. It's bad enough that I have cancer, but before I held out hope that having cancer metastasized to your bones couldn't kill you, and my lung lesion has stayed tiny, so I thought I was sitting pretty. It really threw me for a loop to know that I have a brain tumor, and brain tumors kill. So scary, so depressing, so difficult to deal with. I have been trying to find my happy place, and just can't quite seem to get there. I guess the stress and side effects of doing chemo again, plus the brain radiation with all that pain and discomfort, I am just trying to get back up off my butt and start walking this road one baby step at a time again. I am not superwoman. I am not happy and brave all the time. I cry. A lot. I still have faith, I just need to refocus it, and start acting on it.
As far as prognosis goes, and I am sure you are all wondering, we asked my oncologist, and he said that he thinks I should be here at least another year, and hopefully 2-3 more years. On one hand that sounds like a short time, but I can do a lot of living in that time. And who knows..... Maybe in a year or two there WILL be other treatments that can even extend my life longer.
My chemo treatments are already starting to kick my butt. My mouth has the most awful taste in it, and nothing tastes good. I have neuropathy beginning in my hands and feet already. As of now it is just the numbness and tingling, but I have the fun stinging shooting pain to look forward to. My hair is already starting to fall out. I had a big chunk of hair fall out last night. I think it was from the radiation dose as well as the chemo. So in the middle of the night, I am chopping at my hair trying to cover the bald spot in the back. Sheesh.
It is really frustrating when the treatments make you feel sicker than the actual disease.
Sorry to be such a downer. Just trying to keep it real, and let you all know that I am not perfect at having this cancer. I struggle, and fear, and doubt, and get mad, and occasionally I even let the words, "Why do I have to do this again??????" escape from my mouth.
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