HOPE is.......

Hope is a funny thing.  It can change so fast.  One can be hopeful for one thing, and then everything can change in an instant.  When I first began treatment for inflammatory breast cancer, 16 months ago if you can believe it, I had hope.  I hoped that the treatments would work, I hoped that all the cancer cells would be killed.  I hoped that I would survive all of the pain and suffering of the chemotherapy, surgeries, and radiation.  My hope was that I was going to go through all of these difficult treatments, and then I would be "stable" for years.  I hoped that I would only need to go in for my maintenance doses every three weeks.
     Well, as it so often happens, life changes.  In May I started having headaches.  Just one little spot that hurt in my head.  Not all the time.  But it was there, and it worried me.  I didn't tell anyone else, because I was hoping it was nothing.  In June, the pain in my hip and back began to me more sore and persistent.  In July,  along my mastectomy scar line, I began to have sores and red and swelling as the cancer was growing there again.  Needless to say, because I had placed my HOPE on "stable for years" which is what the doctor told us best case scenario, I was devastated.  This is NOT what was supposed to happen.
    So, I spent a couple of weeks quite down in the dumps.  I felt like I had lost hope.  I questioned my ability to go through chemotherapy again.  I made the mistake of searching for studies that gave prognosis for IBC with brain mets.  That made me feel even more hopeless.  I felt lost, and betrayed by my body.  I was so hopeful, and positive!!!!  How could this have happened??
    Well, I found HOPE again.  I am hoping for something different this time.  I HOPE to smile today.  I HOPE to enjoy a precious moment with one of my children.  I HOPE to take time to enjoy a beautiful creation.  I HOPE that I can be a good example to someone.  I HOPE that I can endure whatever trials Heavenly Father gives me, and endure them well.  I HOPE to have lived a righteous enough life, that when I die, I can return to my Heavenly Father.  I HOPE that my family can find the peace and comfort that I have found.  I HOPE I can still be here for as long as Heavenly Father will let me be.  I HOPE that I can endure my treatments without too many adverse side effects.  I HOPE in my Savior, Jesus Christ, because through HIM, all things are possible. 
   And to tell you the truth, since my hope has changed, I am happier.  I am enjoying the small and simple things.  I am laughing and smiling again.  I am happy.  I have HOPE. 

p.s. another reason why I am feeling happier is that I went shopping yesterday and got a new cute short wig.  The picture at the top is the new wig.  I feel so cute, and I actually like it a lot better than all of the crazy curls I had!!!!  The hair is falling out like crazy right now, but that is post for another day.