First of all, I want to thank all of you for your love and support regarding my current path on my cancer journey. This is at times a very difficult road, and I thank you for all of your sweet comments. Your words of love and encouragement bring me so much joy. I know that I am not alone, and your caring comments and prayers offered in my behalf bring me strength that I can not even explain!!!
I had an interesting time contemplating "Independence" day. I am no longer and independent person. I depend on daily help with my children, my home, my yard, my meals, driving, my medical care etc. It makes me feel kind of sad. I long for the days when my life was my own. I was able to take care of my kids, volunteer at schools, serve in my church, go grocery shopping, do laundry, cook, clean, taxi, nurse, referee, and play with my children. Now I depend on someone else to do all of those things. I wish it wasn't so. I am grateful for all the many people who take on all of these roles for me. But the truth is, I wish I could still do what I used to. I miss my old life.
So here I am, feeling bad because of my lack of ability, and then I receive an award from my city for the 4th of July because of my contribution to the community. I feel like all those who serve me and my family should receive awards, not ME. I was so humbled, and touched. I was told that I received the award because of the example and effect I have had on others. I got to ride in a hot Mustang Convertible in the 4th of July Parade. My face hurt from smiling so big as the crowds of people who give to me, cheered for me. A tear or two escaped from my eye as I reflected once again on how blessed I am. Trust me, if it wasn't for all the love and service we receive, I would not be able to deal with my trial as well as I have!
I can't believe how long it has been since I last wrote something for my blog. I just don't really feel like I have anything inspiring or interesting to write about. I completed my week of chemo, and spent the next couple of days still feeling really yucky. I still feel SO tired all the time. My pain is getting worse in my hip and shoulder. My mood lately would best be described as BLAH.....
I can't wait for sunny spring days. The sun makes me feel so much better.
I am supposed to start another week of chemo pills tomorrow. I am going to put it off until Monday night because I bought tickets to the Utah Jazz game on Monday. Our family is really excited for it.
I just don't have a lot to report about what has been going on lately. All I do is rest, feel sick, rest, sleep, feel sick, and then sleep some more. Very Blah life.
I went out to lunch and dinner on Friday. I went to lunch with my mom and sisters, and 5 kids under the age of 3. That was fun, but stressful. The kids got bored and were doing a choo-choo train around the restaurant. We did get free Asphalt Pie because it is my Mom and Sisters birthday this week.
Then Dan and I went out to dinner with some friends on Friday night which was really fun, except I got really tired. I can't eat much, but the company is great, it's always fun to talk and share some laughs with good friends. Plus I have a fridge full of leftovers!!
Saturday night we went to my Mom's house for her birthday. It felt great to finally get out of the house after almost 2 weeks of being home bound. I even missed church last Sunday. I am hoping I make it there tomorrow morning.
So there it is, my very blah update. Next week should be another blah week with having chemo pills and I have to go in for IV chemo again on Tuesday. That's why I have to live it up this weekend and Monday, because come Tuesday, I'm going to be sick again..... blah blah blah......
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I spent hours searching the internet, trying to figure out how long I would survive this deadly disease. Based on my research, with my stage of cancer and with the treatment I was doing, the median survival time was 15-22 months after diagnosis. I just past 22 months yesterday. I am so grateful and humbled that I am still alive. It is a miracle that my life has been preserved. Based on studies and statistics, I should be dead. But I am still here, and in remarkably good condition, for a stage 4 cancer patient.
These 22 months have been filled with the most exhilarating ups and the darkest lows. I have had times where I have been happier than I had ever been, and experienced the most touching miracles, big and small. I also have had dark days and nights, where I didn’t think I could survive another day, where I felt great despair about my condition, and times where I feared greatly.
Through it all, I have been blessed with so much love and service to help me when I didn’t think I could go on. I know my survival is a miracle, and I don’t think I could have made it without all of the service rendered to us. If I didn’t have the opportunity to rest, thanks to those who help watch my children, I think it would be a lot harder for my body to withstand cancer and its treatments. We have been blessed with hundreds of delicious meals, which are so wonderful because I don’t have the energy to cook. Not only has our family been fed, but our spirits have also been strengthened by the support.
My cancer journey has definitely been a marathon. I am so grateful for all those who have ran with us, step by step, through the difficult terrain. I know that all the prayers that have been offered up have helped me and my family continue on, even when we feel like we don’t have the strength to continue. I am so grateful for all the people who have helped carry our load, so we can run the race without extra weight hampering our fight.
I am hopeful that I will live many months past my expiration date. I hope I don’t start to mold or start to stink now that I am past my expiration date. I plan to live every day as fully as possible, and I still feel now more than ever that every day is a gift. I have lived every day more fully, enjoyed every little moment, and been grateful for every day that I am still alive. I encourage all of you who read this to do the same.
 This is our most recent family picture. It was taken last night at Dan's little sister Kristina's wedding reception.
 I got myself a new set of wheels last Friday Jan. 30th. A couple of months ago my doctor wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair. I never go to the mall, or Walmart or anywhere because it is too painful to walk very far, and it tires me out too much. My girls have been wanting to get their ears pierced at the mall, so I finally broke down and had Dan go pick up a wheelchair for me.
It was wonderful to be able to go to the mall, and we also went to Costco. This was my very first visit to Costco. It is a different world appearing "handicapped". Some people are so wonderfully sweet, thoughtful, and accommodating. Then there are the people who are impatient and treat you like you are ruining their life by being in their way. I don't think we will take all of the kids with us to Costco again. It was too hard to manage all of the kids, plus a cart, plus a wheelchair.
 This isn't a very good picture of me in the wheelchair. I was still got tired out, and I think it shows. The current chemo I am on doesn't cause complete hair loss, so I have some nice hair growing in! Yeah!!! As you can see in the picture, my hair is really short, but at least it covers my scalp now. And my head isn't nearly as cold! The kids all took turns pushing me in the wheelchair. The boys even had a turn sitting in it.. Aren't they adorable!
The mall was great, and Bekah and Abby were so happy to have their mom go shopping with them. They are so cute with their new pierced ears! Even Caleb was thrilled to get a pretzel and Dan bought him a Jazz hat and T-shirt.
Okay, now time for not so fun stuff.
An update on my doctors appointment on Tuesday.
We found out exactly nothing. They are unsure of what is going on with my lung. The P.A. suggested that maybe it was scar tissue from pneumonia. WHAT??? I haven't had pneumonia in the last 20 years let alone the last couple of months. The densities in my lung did show uptake on the scan, which means that they are actively growing. I asked if maybe we should biopsy, and the PA said it was too risky, and it didn't matter whether it was cancer or not, and it wouldn't change the treatment. It may not matter to them, but it matters to me!! I want to know what the cancer is doing to my body. If there is new growth, I would rather change chemos right away, before it is too late and the cancer grows too much.
The plan is to do more blood work in a couple of weeks, to give us a better idea if the cancer is still growing despite treatment.
We are all really frustrated at the lack of answers and the indifference shown. My last blood work results weren't even in my chart, so when I asked about the results they didn't even know what was going on. The P.A. wrote my pain medicine prescription for the wrong medicine too. I really like my oncologist, but don't like it when I don't get to see him, and just see the P.A. Their office is too busy, and too many times results are lost, and they don't remember when I am due for tests, scans etc. I have to keep track of when I am due for them and ask to be scheduled, otherwise nothing would get done. They would just keep pumping me full of $4,000 a pop chemo and making big bucks, while offering inadequate caretaking of the patient . Can you tell I am a little fed up?
It is hard enough having cancer, and it makes it more difficult when you have to be your own advocate. I feel like they are so indifferent, when this is life and death to me! How can it not matter what the scans say???? I feel like they just assume I am a gonner and it doesn't matter what we do, my death is inevitable. So who cares about progression, or new tumors... Just keep me on the most expensive chemo's for as long as possible so they can keep raking in the cash. I know that isn't probably isn't so, but I feel like that sometimes. I just wish the chemo would shrink tumors, and the cancer would just go away....
 I am just so grateful for all of you who care so much about me. My dear friends and family are always so inspired, and know when I need a little extra TLC. I have received so many nice visits, thoughtful cards, and beautiful flowers this last week while I have been struggling. I am so grateful for all of the tender mercies shown to me and my family. Please know that you are heaven sent! Thank you for taking such good care of me! I know I say this all the time, but, I could not endure this without all of the love and support we receive.
My heart has been very heavy these last few days. I received bad news with my last blood test. My tumor markers have risen again, and some other blood work came back indicating that there may be some organ (either heart, lung, or liver) damage. I will be having a Pet-CT scan on Thursday 1-22-09 to see what is going on. We also have Bekah's district spelling Bee that night (she took second place in the school spelling Bee, Yeah Bekah!!!!) Blake also has a church basketball game that night. I hope I don't feel too worn out or sick so I can support my great kids.
I am still struggling emotionally. I fear greatly that my time on the Earth is growing shorter and shorter. I have just been so tired lately, and my pain has increased. I plead with Heavenly Father several times daily that my life will be prolonged, that I will still be able to be here on Earth, to be a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend a little longer. I still hope for a miracle, that maybe some chemo drug will knock the cancer into remission or even just shrink the tumors.
My faith wavers as these prayers have not been answered. I know I need to align my will with with that of my Heavenly Father, but it sure would be a lot easier if His will was exactly what I wanted. It is difficult to put faith in my Heavenly Father that everything will work out okay if I pass away from cancer. I worry about my dear husband and children. My heart breaks every time I think of leaving them. I can't hardly bear the thought. I try to take comfort that they are mine forever, but I want to be with them today, tomorrow and always. I want to grow old with the love of my life. I always wanted to have a 6th child. I never wanted to be done at 5 children. I miss teaching piano lessons, and serving others. I appreciate the service that is given me, but wish that I could be the one serving. Dan & I have always talked about that we wanted to serve a mission together once our children were grown. All these hopes and wishes and dreams are ones that are never going to come true. I can only hope and try to have faith that I will still have purpose, either in this life or the one beyond. I know the Lord can heal us from our illness and afflictions, as long as we are not appointed unto death. I am beginning to feel that I am indeed appointed unto death. This is a hard thing for me to come to terms with.
My heart is breaking even more tonight because Tyson's, my brother in law, father passed away from brain cancer this evening. A part of me is glad that his father is no longer suffering, and that he is in a better place with loved ones who have passed away before. However, a large part of me grieves for the family and friends left behind. I dread the day that I cause sorrow like this. We all need to remember that this life is but just a small moment, and that after our earthly mission is over, we will be together with our loved ones in joy forever. Easier said than done, believe me. But I am so grateful that I have this knowledge, otherwise there is no way I would be able to get through the days of sadness, grief, and physical suffering.
I apologize once again to my blog readers for another downer post. If I keep on being so down, you may all stop reading. I hope to have a good week with fun and happy things to post.
 Here are a couple of cute photos to make up for the downer posts. I thought everyone would get a laugh out of the pictures of my sister wearing my wig. One day she came over to help, and just for fun she tried on my different wigs. We laughed so hard, and I thought you all would get a kick out of seeing my sister Heather "Wiggin Out". She looks great, huh!!
 I took this picture Christmas morning. The world is so beautiful when it is covered with a pristine layer of white snow. I so enjoy the beauty of the seasons.
 Here are a couple more cute pictures from Disney Land. One day I will get a lot more photos put up on the photos page. My eyes get tired and my head hurts when I spend too much time on the computer.
 My cute 2 little boys, Caleb and Ammon, who always bring me such joy and can always make me smile!
First of all, i want to thank all of my blog readers for your love and support. I appreciate your words of encouragement and support, and for not looking down on me because I am weak sometimes. Thank you!!
I was archiving my blog this morning, and I came across a post from last January very similar to my last post. There just must be something about this time of year that triggers feelings of despair and sadness. I am still struggling emotionally right now, but I am trying to refocus and change my perspective. I need to remind myself that if you look for negative, you find it, but if you look for positive, you will find that too. I have been focusing too much on the bad things about cancer, and have forgotten all of the good things. For example, I hate that I can't cook and clean, but I am so grateful for the kindness of others cooking and cleaning for me. See, it is all in the perspective. I am going to try harder to focus on the good and not the bad, and hope that I can find strength and faith to deal with cancer and all of the hard things that go along with it.
I am off to the oncologist today. I didn't cancel my appointment . I will have herceptin and Zometa today. I should have been taking Xeloda this week, but I haven't been able to bring myself to take it. I am having a hard enough time dealing with life right now without adding all of the side effects and misery of one more thing.
We took the kids to Chuck E. Cheeses last night for a fun family home evening activity. They all had a really good time (even though it exhausted me). Another good thing is American Idol starts tonight!!!! Yippeee!!! See, I can still enjoy life even though I have cancer. I just need to remember to take the time to enjoy the little things, and quit feeling sorry for myself and focusing on all of the things I can't do.
Let me just start this post by saying I am sick of cancer. I am sick of chemo. And I am sick of being sick. Even though this last week was an off chemo week, I was still very tired all week, and wasn't able to do much. I am really struggling emotionally, I have feelings of depression, anger, and hopelessness. I wish that I didn't have cancer, and that I could just have a normal life. All I have ever wanted to do is be a wife and mother, serve in church and serve others, share my talents etc. Now all I do is lay around sick all the time. I struggle with feeling bitter about what my life is now. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Having cancer is a never ending roller coaster. Sometimes I feel up, and hopeful, but then there are the low valleys that are dark and full of despair. Part of me really wants to just quit chemo and be done with it. I hate taking the chemo, and being sick, and I don't even know if it is working. I wish I could see some improvement, but all of my cancer areas are the same. I don't know if the chemo is buying me more time, or if it is just destroying the quality of the time I have left. It is so frustrating and agonizing.
The highlight of my week was on Thursday when Dan & I were able to go out to dinner with another couple who are battling IBC. Janeal was diagnosed with IBC 6 months ago, and goes to the same oncologist as me. We spent 4 and half hours with them, laughing, crying, and sharing our experiences. What a blessing it was to spend time with people who know EXACTLY what we are going through. They have so many of the same thoughts, fears, worries, struggles etc. I am so grateful for the miracle that brought us together. I hope this is okay with Janeal, but I thought I would share her website: www.jsfight.blogspot.com She is amazing, and a lot stronger than I am. She is also battling Thyroid cancer at the same time. She is younger like me, and has 3 small children. Her and her husband Bruce are just amazing.
Anyway, I am sorry to be so down, but I need to be honest. This blog is my journal of my battle with cancer, and it needs to be real and honest. So after I am gone, my family can have an accurate knowledge of me and my battle with cancer. I'm not always strong and faithful, I have doubts and anger, and I need to be honest in sharing that. Thank you for bearing with me, reading my ramblings, and hopefully you all won't think less of me after reading this.
We got good news on my brain MRI last week. My brain tumor has continued to shrink, which is good, and their are no new visible tumors, which is really good. I was so afraid that I would have new brain tumors, and am so thrilled that I didn't. I finished another week of Xeloda. The new nausea meds, Kytril, made last week a lot more managable. Of course it always has it's price.... A 30 day supply costs $2000. Yes that is $2000. Because it is a new year, (HAPPY NEW YEAR!) our deductibles are all reset, so when it is time to refill it, it will cost us 50%, or $1000. It is nearly impossible to put a price on preventing nausea. I plan only taking the minimum amount of pills, and I think I can stretch my 1 month supply to at least 2 months. Once we meet our $5000 out of pocket for the year, the insurance kicks in at 100%. How incredibly relieved and grateful we are not to have to worry about where the money will come from to pay the mounting doctor bills, thanks to the wonderful generosity and success of the Run 4 Amber Fundraiser. We were able to pay off all of our outstanding doctor bills for 2008, and start fresh for 2009. In just a few short months those bills will mounting, and we already have money from the fundraiser to pay these. You can not understand the stress relief this gives our family!
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I have survived this aggressive disease for almost 20 months, but the surviving is pricey. I half wonder if I am worth it..... Fighting cancer is hard. I always feel like such a burden on my friends and family, and especially my husband and children. Even though I know there is a purpose for suffering, I long to reach the point where the suffering ends. The optimum end would be a miraculous cure, but the alternative end would be death.... I just try to find at least one small thing each day to help me find the will to continue to fight. Whether it is spending time with family, a phone call of visit from a friend, a husband who tries to meet my every need, and NEVER complain, hugs and kisses from my kids, smiling, laughing, praying, looking out the window and watching beautiful snow, listening to music, playing the piano. Each of these small things can give me the burst of hope that I CAN endure, that it IS worth it, and that I am BLESSED because of my fight against cancer. So even when the day comes that cancer wins the battle that takes my life, it can not take all of the life that I have LIVED. So when my obituary is written, it better not say "She lost her battle against cancer." Because I win my battle with cancer each and every day. A day without laughter is a day wasted
Charlie Chaplin
At this time of year, I think everyone reflects on the things in their life that they are thankful for. I feel so much gratitude already daily because of all the blessings I receive, but I wanted to take a moment to truly focus and say "thank you" for my blessings.
I am so thankful for a wonderful husband. Not only does he go to work every day to provide for our family, he cooks, he cleans, he bathes children, he helps kids with homework, he waits on me hand and foot, he is spiritually strong, he is my best friend. There is no way I could ever make it without him. I am so grateful that he is mine forever! I love him so much!
I am thankful for each of my children. They are what keeps me battling my cancer when I think I have had enough. They bring me so much joy, and make me smile every single day. I love each and every one of them more than words can say.
I am thankful for my loving, supportive parents, and for their examples. I am thankful for my brothers and sisters, grateful that we are all really good friends, and how much love they show me. I am thankful for Dan's parents and family.
I am thankful for the gospel, and for Jesus. How could I endure all of my trials without Him? I am thankful for the scriptures. I am thankful that I have the knowledge that my family is forever!! What comfort that gives me.
I am thankful for all the service we receive. Whether they are small or large acts of kindness, each and every one is so appreciated. I am grateful for those who read my blog, and put up with my ramblings, and give me support and encouragement. I am grateful for all of our friends and extended family. We have the BEST support system ever, and we are so grateful for each and every person who is there for us, whatever the need may be.
I am grateful for our home, and our wonderful neighborhood, this beautiful area, to live in America, for the medical treatments that have kept me alive for 18 months, for the kind doctors and nurses who take care of me, for pain medicine, for anti-nausea medicine.
There are so many more blessings that are too numerous to count. Just like the hymn "Count your Many Blessings" that we recently sang in church, I needed a reminder to do this. When we sang the third verse, tears came to my eyes, and I was overwhelmed by the feeling of love for my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He has given me. The third verse was especially touching:
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all.
Count your many blessings, angels will attend.
Hope and comfort give you to your journey's end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one.
Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone today. May you take the chance to count your many blessings! Thank you once again for being a blessing in my life with all of your love and support! I love you all.
Love, Amber
Because of my trials and my attitude and faith, I was asked a couple of weeks ago speak for 10-12 minutes in Stake Conference. (Stake Conference is a church meeting of all of the different wards, or congregations, in the area) I studied and prayed and read, and prayed some more to prepare ths talk. I was so nervous to speak in front of so many people. I don't mind communicating by written word, but I get quite nervous speaking in front of large groups.
Well, I was the last speaker except for the Stake President, and the meeting had run long. According to the agenda, I had no time to speak. The Stake Pres. leaned over and asked me to be brief. So after all this preparation, I ended up only speaking for about 2 minutes, and basically shared a scripture, a quote, and my testimony. I was told by a lot of people how wonderful I did, but I felt a little sad that I wasn't abble to give more of my talk. Therefore, for all of you who were there and only got to hear a small portion of my talk, and for all of you who weren't there, I am posting my entire talk here on my blog. Thank you for reading!!! I learned so much more prearting this talk than I anyone else could possibly learn from hearing/reading it.
In the pre-existence when Heavenly Father presented the plan of salvation, the scriptures tell us that we "shouted for joy." We were told that this mortal life would be a time of learning and growth, and that we would experience trials and adversity, but also happiness and joy.
M. Russell Ballard said:
We mortals have a limited view of life from the eternal perspective. But if we know and understand Heavenly Father’s plan, we realize that dealing with adversity is one of the chief ways we are tested. Our faith in our Heavenly Father and his beloved Son, Jesus Christ, is the source of inner strength. Through faith we can find peace, comfort, and the courage to endure. As we trust in God and his plan for our happiness with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding (see Prov. 3:5), hope is born. Hope grows out of faith and gives meaning and purpose to all we do. It can give us comfort in the face of adversity, strength in times of trial, and peace when we have reason for doubt or anguish.
As part of Heavenly Father's plan, all people experience adversity during their lifetime. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartache are a difficult part of life, but with the help of the Lord they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress.
Each person's success and happiness, both now and in the eternities, depend largely on his or her responses to the difficulties of life.
Adversity comes from different sources. Trials may come as a consequence of sins. These trials can be avoided through righteous living. Other trials are simply a natural part of life and may come at times when people are living righteously. For example, people may experience trials in times of sickness or at the death of loved ones. Adversity may sometimes come because of others' poor choices and hurtful words and actions. Suffering may also come through a loving Heavenly Father as a tutoring experience.
When some people face adversity, they complain and become bitter. They ask questions like "Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this now? What have I done to deserve this?" Such questions can deprive them of the experiences the Lord wants them to receive. Rather than responding in this way, people should consider asking questions such as, "What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?"
In May of 2007 I was diagnosed with a rare form of aggressive breast cancer. It was stage 4, which is almost always terminal. It was treatable, but not curable. Prior to this our lives were very comfortable. I enjoyed a very lovable strong marriage, 5 wonderful kids, we had a nice home, secure employment. We were trying our best to do all the right things, going to church, paying tithing, serving in callings, going to the temple, doing family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Even though we were doing these things, it didn't make us immune from this big trial. However, because we were trying to do what is right, and living close to the spirit, we were able to be spiritually prepared and strengthened as well as comforted and lifted up during it. I was able to endure things I never would have thought I could endure. I received so much strength and peace even during the hardest times.
People say to me all the time: How do you do it? I couldn't do what you are doing?
The answer is I can't do it, at least not alone. I rely on my Savior. We are told about the Savior in Alma 7:11-12
11. And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Jesus has suffered all things so he can help us through our trials. However, we need to remember his invitation:
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"
(Matthew 11:28–30)
Note that this doesn't say come unto me, and I will do it for you. He is inviting us to share our burden with him, and he will help us carry it.
A favorite scripture story that has brought me and my family great comfort. through our battle with cancer is the people of Alma, who were in bondage to wicked people. They prayed to be set free, but the answer they got from the Lord was that he would eventually deliver them, but in the meantime he would ease their burdens so they couldn't feel them upon their backs.
In our life while I have been battling cancer, this has been evident in our life. The Lord has not seen fit to free me from my oppressor, but he has made it so we have not even felt the burden. We have received countless hours of kindness and serving, help with our kids, meals brought in, house cleaning, yard work, gifts, and treats, that it has lifted our burden, where we have not even been able to feel it upon our backs. How grateful we are for all of the selfless service we have received, where needs that have been met when we haven't even asked for help. If we didn't receive all of this service, the burden would have been unbearable.
Sometimes in our lives, we become comfortable in our trials. We think we have it all figured out, and maybe we aren't relying on our Savior as much as we should be. I found myself a little guilty of this during the last summer. I had finished all of my aggressive cancer treatments in February, and was just on every 3 week maintenance cancer therapy. My cancer was stable, and I believed the Doctor when he said that I may be able to stay stable for years. He had also warned us that because my cancer was such an aggressive form that it could come back as fast as it shrunk. I received a blessing in April and I was told that I would have a season of stable disease, even a remission, and to use that time to enjoy my family and children. In my mind I was hoping that it would be "season" as measured by the lord's time or a really long time, and not just a literal "season" like summer. In this blessing I was also told to be patient because I still had things to learn, and also that sometimes we have trials so others can learn from them.
I had myself convinced that like the woman in the new testament who had an issue of blood, that she was able to be healed just by touching the hem of Jesus' robe. Her faith had made her whole. I wanted to be like this woman, and have enough faith so I could be healed, and not have a reoccurance of my cancer.
We enjoyed a fun summer, going on vacations, and spending precious time together as a family. Imagine my distress when towards the end of July, I had a blood test that had bad news. It looked like my cancer was growing again. I had scans that confirmed that the cancer was actively growing, and that I had new tumors growing. If that wasn't bad enough, I had a brain MRI in early August where a brain tumor was found. Needless to say, my family and I were devastated. I would have to begin weekly chemotherapy again, as well as radiation for the brain tumor.
For a while, I felt lost, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to refocus my faith. I had put my faith in being healed, and I was a little discouraged. One day when I was feeling very sad the words of the hymn "Come come ye saints" came powerfully in my mind:
Why should we mourn and think our lot is hard?
Tis not so, all is right
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take,
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell
All is well! All is well!
How grateful I was for this tender mercy from the Lord. I knew that Heavenly Father was aware of me, He knew I was struggling, and these words of this hymn was just what I needed at that point to help me continue to be faithful.
Just this last week I experienced another tender mercy. I mentioned earlier how I struggled with trying to be like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' garment, and her faith made her whole. I faulted myself for not having enough faith to be healed. While I was preparing this talk, I came upon the answer to why my faith has not made me whole or healed me. I found a quote by Dallin H. Oaks that gave me so much comfort. I think this quote could bring comfort and peace to any of us that have trials or burdens. He said, "Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a healing cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are healed by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."
We can find many examples of people being faithful through adversity. Christ is the ultimate example, Joseph Smith, Pioneers, numerous examples in the scriptures, and examples all around us every day. Robert D Hales told us, "Often we do not know what we can endure until after a trial of our faith. We are also taught by the Lord that we will never be tested beyond that which we can endure."
A few weeks ago, i was struggling a little bit with my faith and endurance. I was fearful of my cancer, scared of dying and of leaving my family. The chemotherapy that I have been on was not working, and I was fearful of trying to decide which chemo to do next, I was researching different chemo agents, and the success rate of different chemo combos was very discouraging. My dear husband had me read a talk by Dalin H Oaks called "He heals the heavy laden" In this talk he recounted the following scripture story in Mark 4:37-40 and the hymn "master the tempest is raging"
7 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, aPeace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great bcalm.
40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so afearful? how is it that ye have no faith?
I was reminded after reading this that we can't have faith and fear at the same time. If we put our faith in Jesus, there is no need to fear.
Elder Oaks also made a beautiful promise. He said, "The Healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ-whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure and live with them is available for every affliction in mortality."
I am so grateful for the gospel, and for the knowledge I have of my Savior. I know I would not be able to bear my trials without him. Whenever I struggle it is because I have not relied on the Savior as much as I should have. I testify that if we follow the counsel of our church leaders, and put our faith in our Savior and his promises, that we can endure any adversity that we may have in our lives. I testify that our Savior lives, and that he loves us.
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