Dan pulled some strings on Friday and got Dr. H's secretary Meridan to fax him a copy of my scan results.  Preliminary test results show that my hottest spot on my left hip is not as active, but all of the other bone mets are growing hotter than they were before.  Not a whole lot hotter, but not shrinking and going away either.  No mention was made of my liver, whether it was okay or not.  Very frustrating! I guess I can assume it is okay otherwise the radiologist would have said something.  The most concerning thing of the report was that my right lung shows uptake with mild patchy density in my right lung with mild airspace disease.  I don't know what that means, whether this is cancer or not.  So, I went to the University of Google to try to figure out it out, but I'm still not sure.  I guess that is what the oncologist is for.  I will have to wait for my next appointment and see what he thinks. 
     I was really hoping for some concrete evidence that this chemo is either working or not working.  It seems like it may be slowing the cancer down some, but not shrinking it.  I was hoping to see shrinking tumors, because that would make it easier to continue chemo.  Or at least maybe see a lot of new growth so we know that this chemo isn't working, and then I could quit that one and maybe try something different.  So all in all, no real answers.  Not really bad news, but not good news either.  I guess we will just wait and see, continue doing monthly tumor marker tests to track tumor growth, and pray for good results. 
    I really think one of the hardest things about cancer treatments is the not knowing.  Not knowing which chemo to try, not knowing if it is working, not knowing how long I will survive, not knowing whether I am wasting the time I have left by being sick from chemo.  ARGGHHHH!!!!  It just makes me want to scream!!!! 
    I want definite answers.  Yes or no. Black or white.  Not these never ending shades of grey!!   I think it just always comes back to faith.  Faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best, He can see the big picture, and He knows the end from the beginning.  I just wish I could know that also. 


Denise in Ontario
1/25/2009 01:42:07 am

I can feel your frustration Amber.
Whether people know it or not, we are all living our lives amidst unanswered questionsand varying shades of grey. Anyone that thinks they have all, or even most of the answers is deluding themselves.

Your great strong spirit shines through in all your posts and us out here in cyberland are so happy to know you.

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Carol Pyle
1/28/2009 04:49:38 am

Hi Amber,
I think of you every morning when I get dressed. I still have on your pink bracelet and it has never left my right wrist since your Run For Amber. It reminds me of your struggles, your courage, your faith, your endurance and it gives me hope that things will be okay. Heavenly Father makes it all possible and he is there beside you. Keep the Faith!
Love, Carol

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Carol Pyle
1/28/2009 04:51:56 am

Hi Amber,
I just wanted to let you know that I think of you every morning as I notice the pink bracelet on my right wrist. I put it on the day of your Run For Amber and it has been on ever since. I wear it 24/7. It reminds me of your struggles, your endurance, your courage, your strength and your faith. Heavenly Father is there beside you and it gives me hope that things are going to be okay. Keep the Faith!
Love, Carol

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