Tuesday Oct. 14th I started the new chemo cocktail of Herceptin, Zometa, and Gemzar. I was at the hospital for 5 1/2 hours on Tuesday. The Gemzar infusion takes 1 1/2 hours, the Zometa takes 45 minutes, and Herceptin takes about 30 minutes. A lot of the time is spent waiting to see the doctor, waiting for the doc to mix your meds, waiting for the nurse to hook up your IV, waiting for the nurse to switch drugs etc.
Everything went well with the infusion. I was really tired when I got home and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up about 10pm with chills and horrible stomach cramps. I spent the night fevered, chilled, shaking, and in the bathroom. This continued through Thursday. Finally by Friday the fever and chills were gone, but I still couldn't eat anything, and was relying heavily on nausea meds. Thankfully family members took all of my kids so I just had to take care of myself (lay in bed and wish that I could die) and no one else. From everything I have been able to read online about Gemzar, this reaction usually only happens the first time, and then subsuquent treatments are a lot more mild. I think the new poison is just really hard on your body the first time. Today, I am still really weak and tired, but I actually was able to eat a banana!
If I get this sick every week, there is no way that I can do this chemo. I have to weigh quality of life versus quanitity of life. I hope that this week will be better. There is a gal who goes every Tuesday like me and only has Gemzar, and she said she is a little achey and flu like only that night and the next day. I think I can handle that, just not the 4 days of sick.
As I was laying in bed this morning, Caleb asked me when I was going to be done with chemo. I told him I didn't know, but I hoped I wouldn't have to be on it too long, because it was boring laying around and being sick all the time. He responded, "You are a boring mom right now. I like it better when you are a fun mom." He made me laugh and feel sad at the same time. I hope I can still be a "fun" mom even on chemo.
I had my follow-up consultation for my brain tumor with the radiation oncologist today. We finally got some good news! My brain tumor has shrunk to little less than half its original size in the 6 weeks since I had gamma knife, and no new brain tumors. The rad. onc. said that usually it takes about 3 months to see this much of a response, so it was really good news!! It's about time! Lately it seems like we have just had bad news, so it is refreshing to actually have good news. I had myself mentally prepared for bad news, so I almost don't know how to react to good news. Now we just need to get the cancer under control in the rest of my body.
I have been having so much pain in my left hip from all of the cancer growing, that we had to increase my pain meds, and I still have to take additional pain killers for breakthrough pain. We discussed with the radiation onc about the possibility of doing radiation on my hip so I can get some pain relief. The plan is to try the new chemo for a few weeks, and if my hip doesn't start feeling better, I will take a little break from chemo and try some radiation. If the chemo works to kill the cancer cells, then that should give me pain relief. So either way, it looks like pain relief is in the future.
The brain MRI did show that I have some sinus problems in my left frontal and anterior sinuses, so that is actually what is probably causing a lot of my headaches, and not the tumor. I will try to find time to visit a ENT Dr. about that. As if I don't already have enough doctors appointments, etc.
Thank you everyone for caring so much about me. Your prayers and well wishes are so appreciated. I am truly humbled by all the love and support that we are shown. We really could not bear the burden of this trial without all of the hands that help to lift the weight of it with all of your willingness to serve and help us. Please know how much we love you all, and we are so grateful for everything all of you do to help us. Even though having cancer is so difficult, and the treatments etc. are almost unbearable, I am still so grateful because of all the little miracles I have seen, and even more so, to be the recipient of so much caring and kindness. Unless we taste bitter, we can not enjoy the sweet. And the sweetness of all the service and love that we are shown makes our lives sweet indeed.
Well, that title is misleading, because the mask was made of titanium and plastic, but I sure felt a glimmer of what it would be like to be the Man in The Iron Mask. Even though I had to wear that stupid frame thing, it was for a specific, GOOD purpose, but it still felt so demeaning and inhumane. I can't believe that it has been 6 weeks since I had gamma knife.
I have put off blogging about my Gamma Knife a.k.a Stereotatic radiosurgical treatment. Gamma Knife is brain surgery without the knife. They use radiation beams to destroy the bad cancer cells in the brain, leaving most of the rest of the brain tissue undamaged. I slept through the actual gamma knife procedure, it was the PREP for it that was terrible. I have found that the prep for MOST of these tests, and treatments etc. turns out to be worse than the actual procedure.
When I found out I had a brain tumor, for the first time since I was diagnosed with stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer, I felt completely hopeless. I felt like I was secure in my illness, I felt like things were under control, and when I received that phone call from my doctor, I felt deep, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching sadness.
Anyway, the actual gamma knife treatment was painless. It was getting the shots of numbing medicine that was incredibly painful. I was supposed to receive some drugs in an IV to send me to La-la land, but I didn't receive them until right as the neurosurgeon was injecting numbing medicine into my head prior to screwing the frame into my head.
 In this picture you can see the nurse injecting my relaxing, la-la land medicine, right as they were prepping my head frame.
 For the radiation planning, they put this lovely plastic helmet on, to measure the angles of radiation. I felt ridiculous in this get up.
 This picture is the tray of screws they use to screw the frame into your head. I am glad that mine weren't the big huge long ones. you can see which size they used in the empty spots on the tray.
 Don't I look absolutely pathetic? I was so miserable with the frame. It was so uncomfortable. There were two screws in my forehead, and 2 screws in the back of my head. I couldn't rest comfortabley because of the metal around my head. I can't even find the words to describe how I was feeling during this whole procedure.
 Here is a closeup of what the frame screwed into my head looked like. I was so swollen and sore for weeks on the spots where the screws were. I couldn't turn my head, and I had four mini headaches where the screws were.
 This picture is of what they attach to the frame for the MRI, CT scan and actual radiation. It attaches to the head frame, so on each machine your head is in exactly the same place. This way they make sure they are accurate in their planning of the radiation and the actual radiation. Luckily I was able to sleep during most of the scans and actual radiation.
 Here I am on the machine where they do the radiation. I lay on the table and the round part opens and then they beam high dose targeted radiation at the tumor. I am not sure how the whole thing works, I just hope it did! The radiation onc. told me that there is a 70% chance that I will have more tumors grow, and even though the radiation has a high success rate on treated tumors, there is a high likely hood that after a period of time, treated tumors may start to grow again.
 These are the screws that were in my head.
 Here I am after I was all done. I felt like the hunchback of notre dame. I had all these weird misshapen lumps on my head for weeks after like Quasi Modo in the Disney version of Hunchback. It is hard to see in the picture, but I had big fluid filled bumps from where they injected the numbing medicine. As time passed, those lumps moved from my forehead down t my eyes, and I really had a swollen face for weeks after. At least my eyes are finally back to their normal shape, because I had a lot of swelling around my eyes and eyebrows.
I am so nervous for my brain MRI today. I see my local radiation onc, on Wednesday. After already having bad news with my other scans, I am so scared that my brain MRI will be bad news as well.
So that is my gamma knife experience. I really don't know if I could do it again. I guess I will make the decision when and if I have to.
Maybe hate seems a little strong. Lets try LOATHE instead. I hate the prep for tests, I hate waiting for the tests, I hate waiting for the test results. Suffice it to say then, that I LOATHE the whole experience of tests.
I am concerned that the chemo is not working. I am still having pain in the same places (left hip, femur, pelvis, sternum,) and it is getting worse not better. Plus I am having more headaches and more pain higher up my back. So when I went to the doctor on Wednesday, I requested some scans be done so we can see if the chemo is working. My fear is that if the chemo isn't working, we need to know that sooner rather than later so we can get it changed to something else before the cancer gets too out of control.
So, the tough gal Meridan at Dr.H's pulled some strings and got me scheduled for a PET-CT scan a mere two days later, when at first they told her the soonest they could do the scan was Oct.9th.
I have had a little cold, so I wasn't sure if Dr. H would let me have Taxol this week, but I insisted and he did. Problem now is, the couple of days after chemo, all I eat are rolls, bread, crackers, and 7-up and *gasp* coca cola. Well, to do the prep for the PET-CT scan, you get no carbs the day before or the day of. And you have to lay in bed and rest. No physical exertion or stress. Notice the word stress. I am a mother of 5. If I tell the kids I need to rest, and not to cause me stress, what are they going to do? You guessed it. Have fist fights, and fight, and yell, and argue, and cause me stress. Sheesh.
So, I had the PET-CT scan on Friday, I took some cool pictures of being injected with radioactive dye (doesn't that stuff cause cancer?) and I had the pleasure of enjoying my beverage of choice, barfium sulfate. Only 3/4 a bottle this time however. Now I have to wait until Tuesday to get the test results. I plan on getting to the hospital a little early on Tuesday so I can go to medical records and have my test results in hand and read through, so I can go in armed if we need to make a chemo change. I just feel like you have to take your treatment into your own hands. These doctors are so busy and have so many patients, and I just have one patient to look after. ME. I need to take the best care of myself, and know as much as I can, so I can help the doctors give me the very best care that is needed.
Okay, so time doesn't exactly fly while you're having chemo, but the week in between chemo treatments certainly flies by. It seems just like I was just at the hospital yesterday getting chemo, and here it is another week has past, and it is chemo time again. The days seem to crawl by, but time really is flying by.
I didn't have chemo on Tuesday this week, because I changed my appointment so I take Bekah to SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE ON TOUR. It was SO FUN!!! The dancers were all so amazing, and it was just awesome to see them dance live. Plus the dialog between numbers, and the interaction between the dancers was so entertaining. I took tons of pictures, and hope to get some posted over on the pictures link.
I also still need to do a detailed post on the brain radiation treatment, plus a bunch of other things. I plan on bringing my laptop to the hospital with me so I can maybe work on uploading pictures etc. while i am getting chemo. My goal is to bring things with me to #1 be productive while I am there and #2 do things to help the time pass quicker. This chemo treatment will be #5 of #18. I will be almost 1/3 the way done. Yippeee!!!!
I am big. I am bald. I sure don't feel beautiful, though.........
I was listening to my ipod while I was at chemo on Tuesday. I have the soundtrack to Hairspray on it. I was laughing inside when I heard the song that Queen Latifah sings on it called "Big, Blond, and Beautiful" I thought that sounds just like me, except I am big BALD and beautiful.
Because of the steroids I have been on to prevent brain swelling from the tumor and brain radiation, I have gained 23 pounds in 3 weeks. That is so depressing. I took my last dose of steroids yesterday, so I hope that I stop gaining weight, and the weight I gained goes away quickly. What is even more depressing is that I have gained that weight, and I haven't even been eating very much because I feel so crappy from the chemo. You would think that if I have to go through all of these cancer treatments and be sick, at least I would loose weight. Oh well.
I didn't want to be bald for my 30th birthday, so I prayed that my hair would last until then. I trimmed my hair really short when it started falling out like crazy on Sept. 3rd. The last few days I just put gel in my hair, and lots of hairspray so my hair was all stuck together. Otherwise I was shedding hair EVERYWHERE. SO messy. I had to wear a soft knit cap when I slept because so much hair fell out while I slept. Poor Dan kept on getting hair in his mouth at night.
So, Monday in the middle of the night, I couldn't sleep. I had taken a shower before bed, and when I washed my hair, I tried to rinse the shampoo out, and my hair just kept falling out, and falling out, and falling out. I didn't want to shave my head ON my actual birthday (too traumatic). So I went to bed, but couldn't go to sleep. I finally got out of bed about 3:00 in the morning, and decided I was just going to shave my head. But when I got out of bed, I tripped and fell and woke Dan up. He helped me shave my head, and when I looked in the mirror and started to bawl, he just held me and cried with me. This time loosing my hair has been a lot more traumatic.
Here are the kids responses to my "NEW NO-HAIR-DO"
Blake: He just rubbed my head and said, FUZZY.
Bekah and Abby just gave me a big hug, and both told me they still thought I was pretty.
Caleb: Mom, with your hair like that, you look just like Daddy's twin, and it is SO cool.
Ammon: When I took my turban off and showed him my bald head for the first time (He was too young to remember about me being bald a year ago) he said "On Mom, put it on Mom." and took the turban from me and tried to put it back on me. I tried to have him rub my fuzzy head, (because he really likes rubbing Daddy's fuzzy head). But Ammon won't even touch mine. I think he will get used to it.
I will be brave and post a bald picture of me later, I just haven't had any taken of me yet. Maybe once I loose some of my steroid weight. But here is a picture of my beautiful curls. Maybe next time when my hair grows back in it will be pink and frizzy. At least I know it will grow back. And I ordered a couple more cute wigs. I think I will just have to cover up the mirrors in the house so I don't have to look at myself.
 The CRAZY girls in my family!!!!!!!!!! They ROCK!
A year ago I turned 29. I wondered, and was a little doubtful, that I would make it to my 30th birthday. Well, I DID!!!!! I turned 30 today. It seems like we partied all weekend. My family (my dear wonderful sisters did most of the planning from what I hear) threw me the most fabulous surprise party on Saturday. I had NO IDEA that this was even in the works.
My mom had told me that my Grandma L. wanted to have one last family dinner at her house while the weather was still good, plus my Aunt Jan would be up from Vegas because my Grandpa L. had a heart procedure done this last week. So, we show up to my Grandmas house, late of course. When I walked into the backyard, there were like 3 cameras pointed at me. I looked around at everyone, and then everyone shouted SURPRISE. Everyone had PINK hair. They either had spray painted , or dyed, or got pink hair extensions. SO the first thing that went through my mind was that they were throwing me a party to show support for my battling cancer.
Then everyone started to sing Happy Birthday, and it finally clicked in my head that it was a surprise Birthday party for me. I was so overwhelmed, and happy, and touched that all of my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, grandmas, grandpas, brothers, sisters, would all come and show their love and caring for little old me. I am so glad that everyone came. It was so nice to get hugs from you all, and I just felt so LOVED. It was so sweet, and I really needed that.
Everything was TINKERBELL. I had the most adorable Tinkerbell cake, balloons, and plates. I felt so special. My parents gave me a Tinkerbell porcelain doll, with fairy dust. Maybe I can use it to fly to neverland, and then I will never have to grow up. Plus I bet they don't have cancer in Neverland. I love the Disney Fairies, and Tinkerbell has always been my favorite. Bekah and Abby are really jealous, I think.
Everyone gave me the most thoughtful gift. I received a $200 gift certificate to a local spa. The list of all the heavenly sounding services just made me so excited. I figured out that there is enough that I can go get a facial and a pedicure, foot massage etc. once a month on my week off from chemo. I will be able to look forward to a special pampering each month, and that will help me get through the hard weeks. I can't wait to go the first time. I am going to have to talk my mom and sisters into going with me at least once. I think it will be a lot of fun if we go together. My next week off is the week of October 6th-12th. I do have an MRI that week, and a follow up doctors appointment with the radiation oncologist, but we can still fit in some spoiling and pampering, right girls!?
Last year when I turned 29, I said that the next year when I turned 30 I wanted a RAGER of a birthday party. I had assumed that my cancer would be a bad memory, and that I would be healthy, stable, and fine. I didn't expect to get a brain tumor, and be back on chemo again so soon. I told Dan not to throw me a party right now, because I just didn't feel like celebrating. I told him we could have my 30th birthday celebration after I was done with this 6 months of chemo. I know he felt bad because he had been planning a party for me with all of our friends and his family etc. So everyone, plan on a 30th year celebration sometime in the Spring. We can celebrate my 30 1/2 birthday.
 Here we are as a family at my Birthday party. Unfortunately Blake was gone to his Dad's this weekend, so he wasn't able to be there. We need to photoshop him into the photo.
 Here I am with my sweetheart Dan. I was an emotional wreck, crying and upset all day, and Dan took the day off from work, so he had to put up with me crying and being sad all day today. I was a little down because I am dreading chemo again, my hair is falling out like crazy, and this just isn't what I had pictured for my life at this time. Plus because of the STUPID steroids I have to be on because of swelling in the brain, I have gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks. It just isn't fair!!! I don't eat that much, and I feel sick all the time, and yet I have gained weight. YUCK. My hair is all falling out, and pretty soon I am going to just look like a fat bald old man.. So depressing!!!!! It comes back to that HOPE thing again. I just need to remember that and not focus on all of the hard, difficult things, and focus on all the good things that happen. Even if it just a simple hug or kiss!!!!!
 This is a beautiful, soft, breast cancer fleece blanket that my Aunt Stacy and my cousins made for me. It is absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to snuggle up in it when I don't feel good. I have always wanted a breast cancer blanket, and this one is perfect. Thank you so much guys!!!!!
 I also just had to share these pictures of my cute kids at the party. I love them so much, and they are what keeps me going through the hard times. If I didn't love them so much, and want to be here to be there mother, and hug and kiss them, and spend precious moments with them, I wouldn't go through all of this pain and suffering. They are my everything, and I am grateful for everyday that I get to spend with them. I just hope I live long enough that little 2.5 yr old Ammon will remember me...........
Thanks to everyone else who spoiled me rotten today. I received so many nice phone calls from Family members and friends, and sweet touching cards from so many friends, and thoughtful gifts. I got to enjoy lunch with a bunch of gals from my ward, and Annette, thank you for buying my lunch. I got treats from friends, and pampering gifts, lip gloss from Nancy, soft fuzzy socks, sweet Alice wrote me a poem, and a Henry B. Eyring book from Nola. My sweet friend Kristin brought me some bright cheery balloons, Krystal brought me some rice krispy treats (YUM!) My dear mother in law made me the softest silkiest most beautiful blanket and pillow cases and rice heat bag. I know it will be heavenly to wrap up in it tomorrow after I get home from treatment. My sister in law Rachel sent me the nicest letter, (you made me BAWL) and gave me some money to buy myself something fabulous! My other sis-in-law made the CUTEST card, and gave me some more super soft, fuzzy warm socks. They are pink, and oh so cute!!!! I even got a phone call from my brother in law Ben, who is on a business trip by Hershey Pennsylvania. (He told me that he is going to bring me something from Hershey. He knows what I LOVE) Dan got me some soft Halloween socks, and also a LIBRARY card. (We have NO MORE room on our bookshelves to buy anymore books. I love to read, So now I can check out books, and not have to find a place to keep them.) He also took me shopping on Saturday for some new clothes, and bought me some of my favorite shower gel, chocolate scented, YUM. I can enjoy that, and it won't make me put on even more weight!!! My parents also got me the softest slipper socks, and some new cute PJ's, because when you are going through chemotherapy, you spend more time wearing PJ's than clothes. Plus my dad took me to Salt Lake on Friday to Beethovens 9th Symphony, ODE to JOY. It was phenomenal!!! I enjoyed it so much. My brother in laws mom even gave me a gift, the most beautiful sketch of Christ, plus a CD that their family recorded of songs to help and encourage. I was so touched that they would send a gift for my birthday. See, I told you that I was spoiled. I am sure that I am forgetting other gifts, but I think everyone is just trying to get all the presents in while I am still here, because who knows how many more birthdays I will actually have.........
I really appreciate it all so much. At the times when I feel sad, I love to go back and read all of the kind words you all write, and it gives me so much strength, and your love and support truly lifts my burdens and helps me feel better. I feel guilty sometimes because everyone does so much. I feel like I don't deserve it. I haven't done anything special. I just have cancer, I certainly didn't choose this trial, and I'm not as strong as you all seem to think I am. I just do what I have to do to survive. I can't believe I am putting this out there for everyone to read, but I just don't want everyone to think that I am something that I am not. I cry a lot. I cried a lot today. I am sad. Having cancer is hard, and I really wish that I didn't have to go through all of this. I pray and study and try to figure out why, and I have moments of peace and comfort. But there are moments when my heart aches, and I feel like I can't do this another day.... I try my best, and I hope that it is enough. But please know that I am weak, and scared, and not as strong as you all seem to think I am. I do feel better saying that. But now you know the truth. I am hoping that because this is such a long blog journal entry that no one is actually going to read this last paragraph. And if you did, well, now you know the truth.
Hope is a funny thing. It can change so fast. One can be hopeful for one thing, and then everything can change in an instant. When I first began treatment for inflammatory breast cancer, 16 months ago if you can believe it, I had hope. I hoped that the treatments would work, I hoped that all the cancer cells would be killed. I hoped that I would survive all of the pain and suffering of the chemotherapy, surgeries, and radiation. My hope was that I was going to go through all of these difficult treatments, and then I would be "stable" for years. I hoped that I would only need to go in for my maintenance doses every three weeks.
Well, as it so often happens, life changes. In May I started having headaches. Just one little spot that hurt in my head. Not all the time. But it was there, and it worried me. I didn't tell anyone else, because I was hoping it was nothing. In June, the pain in my hip and back began to me more sore and persistent. In July, along my mastectomy scar line, I began to have sores and red and swelling as the cancer was growing there again. Needless to say, because I had placed my HOPE on "stable for years" which is what the doctor told us best case scenario, I was devastated. This is NOT what was supposed to happen.
So, I spent a couple of weeks quite down in the dumps. I felt like I had lost hope. I questioned my ability to go through chemotherapy again. I made the mistake of searching for studies that gave prognosis for IBC with brain mets. That made me feel even more hopeless. I felt lost, and betrayed by my body. I was so hopeful, and positive!!!! How could this have happened??
Well, I found HOPE again. I am hoping for something different this time. I HOPE to smile today. I HOPE to enjoy a precious moment with one of my children. I HOPE to take time to enjoy a beautiful creation. I HOPE that I can be a good example to someone. I HOPE that I can endure whatever trials Heavenly Father gives me, and endure them well. I HOPE to have lived a righteous enough life, that when I die, I can return to my Heavenly Father. I HOPE that my family can find the peace and comfort that I have found. I HOPE I can still be here for as long as Heavenly Father will let me be. I HOPE that I can endure my treatments without too many adverse side effects. I HOPE in my Savior, Jesus Christ, because through HIM, all things are possible.
And to tell you the truth, since my hope has changed, I am happier. I am enjoying the small and simple things. I am laughing and smiling again. I am happy. I have HOPE.
p.s. another reason why I am feeling happier is that I went shopping yesterday and got a new cute short wig. The picture at the top is the new wig. I feel so cute, and I actually like it a lot better than all of the crazy curls I had!!!! The hair is falling out like crazy right now, but that is post for another day.
My head hurts too bad to focus and type too much, but I just wanted to let you all know that my Gamma Knife procedure on Wednesday went okay, and that I am recovering. Having the metal frame screwed into my head was quite a bit more traumatic and painful than I imagined it would be, and my head is swollen and really sore still. I am on some pretty high dose steroids that are making feel a little crazy, and I still feel yuck from having chemo earlier this week. I will post more about gamma knife and put some pictures up once my head stops hurting so much. Thank you for your prayers, well wishes, and concern.
How grateful I am to have a lap top, so even when I am lying in bed feeling sick and miserable, I can have the pleasure of typing it up to share with everyone. I have been meaning to post this entry for a week, but every time I sit at the computer, it makes my head hurt too bad, and I get dizzy and blurred vision, etc. So, even though I am posting this now, the following entry was from August 19th.
I began aggressive weekly chemo again last week. I decided to keep a journal of the days events so I can share what a chemo day consists of.
August 19, 2008
This day, began at 7:30 a.m. I had to be to the hospital by 8:00 a.m. My appointments will consist of A LOT of waiting. The first thing I did was go to the lab to get blood work done. This is done to ensure my body can handle the weekly dose of poison, I mean chemo.
Then, I get weighed in, and wait and wait to see the doctor. He is a really great doctor, and he will take whatever time you need, however this translates to a really long wait while he takes the time to talk to all the other patients. My appointment time was 9:00 a.m. and I think I finally saw the doctor at 9:45 or so. Really lucky for me!! Sometimes the wait can be up to 2 hours! Thank goodness for an early appointment time.
We had a really good discussion with Dr. Hansen about my prognosis now that I have brain mets. He believes that if treatment is successful again as it was with the same drugs, plus with all of the other chemo drugs that are available for breast cancer, that he should be able to keep me here at least a year, and hopefully a couple of years. Of course, this is just best case scenario. I could die in a car accident on the way home from the hospital. But it is nice to know what "usually" happens with stage 4 cancer, and what to expect. This round of chemo will be 6 months of 3 weekly treatments, followed by a 1 week break in between cycles. I have a LONG road ahead of me.
 After I visit with the doctor, I go to the infusion room. This is a room jam packed with 15 recliners, plus a bunch of old ratty chairs for your visitors to sit in. I don't know why this annoys me, but it does. I feel like they should have more comfortable chairs for your support people, and more privacy. It is now 10:10 a.m. I am settled in my chair and just waiting to have my IV started.
 Once you are in the infusion room, you have to wait to get "hooked up". Sometimes this takes a long time, sometimes it is quicker. The oncologist mixes all your drugs by hand in what Dan likes to call "his kitchen". It kind of reminds me of a mad scientist in his lab. My drug cocktails include: Anzamet, Aloxi, Dexamethasone, Benadryl, xantac, and those are only the PRE meds!!!!
After all of those are ran with a bag of saline, then the chemo drugs start. First is my Hercpetin infusion. I will only be getting the smaller weekly dose again instead of the every 3 week dose. The weekly dose takes about 30 minutes.
 Then the next drug is Taxol. Because this drug is more toxic, it takes longer to run the IV. It takes about an hour. The first week of the 3 week cycle I will receive Zometa, the drug for my bones. This IV takes about 30-45 minutes. On the 2nd week, I only get Herceptin and Taxol. On week 3, I get a double dose of Herceptin, and a single week of Taxol. Then I get a week off so my body can recover. Confusing? Yes. That is why I take note of what drugs they are supposed to give me, because the nurses are so busy running around helping all the people receiving chemo, and every patient gets a different cocktail. If I don't keep track of my own stuff, sometimes the nurse will give me the wrong premeds, or run the IV too fast or too slow, or forget to put a filter on the IV tubing, you get what I mean!
 1:00 p.m. Almost done. I have watched the slow drip, drip, drip of the IV and the slow tick, tick, tick of the clock. I am now pale and drawn and just don't feel good. I feel like I want to jump out my skin (I am told this is from the Dexamethasone, steroid). I am ready to be done, and go home, and crawl in bed.
 Here I am, bored, tired, and just starting to feel the effects of all of the drugs flowing through my system. I just pray that they are killing cancer cells while they are ravaging my healthy cells.
 Here is Dan. He comes up to the hospital to bring me lunch, and keep me company. He waits until I am done with treatment, and then he takes me home. I am afraid I am usually not very good company. I get kind of ornery, and just want quiet, and we all know that Dan has a hard time being quiet!! I love him anyway!!
 Now just waiting for the nurse to come unhook me from my IV. My mom and Dan always remark the vast difference of how I look before treatment, and after. It is just really physically draining on the body to go through this. Usually by the evening of chemo, my hands and feet are burning, I am tired, yet antsy. I have so many side effects, and then have to take pills for those side effects, that cause more problems and on and on. I don't even know what "normal" feels like anymore. I guess this is my normal.
 Here it is, 1:30 p.m. and I am almost going to be outta here. My mom has been stalwart and steady, with me every visit. Lots of times with her cell phone up to her ear, she keeps all of the family in the loop. You can see the clock in the background. Can't wait to get home and crash.
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