I was sitting up feeling sorry for myself late last night. I was frustrated and somewhat discouraged because I have to go to battle against my cancer again. I thought, haven't I already done this!??? Why do I have to do it again???!!?!? This is just so hard, and some people just seem to have it so easy.
Suddenly the words to a favorite hymn of mine "Come, Come, ye Saints" came forcefully into my mind
"Why should we mourn, and think our lot is hard?
Tis not so! All is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward,
If we now shun the fight"
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take;
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell'
All is well! All is well!!
I felt like Heavenly Father was telling me to gather my courage, pick myself up by my bootstraps and do what I need to do. He will never forsake me, or leave me alone. He will be there every step of the way to give me strength, courage, comfort and hope!!!! My Savior, Jesus Christ, has suffered all so He can succor me through my challenges, illness, and heartaches.
I think of the pioneers and early saints and all of their sufferings and challenges. They were persecuted, and had to walk hundreds and hundreds of miles. I am so grateful that we have their diaries and records of what they endured. It brings me so much comfort to know of their faith and their testimony building trials. I hope as I share my "tale to tell" that I give some comfort to those who are journeying with me this cancer journey, and to my children if I am not here, and to others who may journey this path later on.
I also was reflecting on the last verse of this hymn:
"And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! all is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!"
Is death really such a bad thing" It is certainly a sad time. I know I miss my loved ones who have died. The closest relative I have lost is grandfather, but I have lost a couple of dear friends. My heart aches with loss, but my heart is also filled with gratitude, because I KNOW that they are in a better place, and they are free from suffering, and sorrow. I know that I will see them again. This life is such a short time. This life is not the end. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I will be with my family forever. And if I should die, I will still be here, not in body, but in spirit. I will still be there to comfort and guide my children and family. My actions and words in this life, and in this blog, can help them if I am not here to speak to them. I am working on scrapbooks full of my memories and advice for them. And I know that when I die, I will be reunited with many loved ones who have missed me as I have missed them.
Okay, I know that is a lot of focus on death, but I just needed to let everyone know how I stand on the subject of death. I am not afraid to die. The thought of not being here for my husband, children, and family breaks my heart. But I take great peace in the scriptures and at church, that all will be made right, Jesus promised that he would not leave us comfortless.
So, I am gonna gird up my loins, take some fresh courage, God will never forsake me, and All is well!!! All is well!!!
Over the past couple weeks, 2 women battling the same type of breast cancer who were diagnosed at almost the exact same time as me have passed away. My heart breaks for their friends, families, husbands and children. I can't help but ask myself, why? Why am I still here, and they are gone? Why did my first battle of chemo work, and theirs didn't?
Of course I know the sunday school answer. Heavenly Father has a plan, and only he knows how long we will be on the earth to accomplish our purposes, and learn and grow and be tried. There is just so much guilt that I feel because I am here, and they are not. They both had husbands and young children that needed them. Why did they die, and not me? Am I accomplishing the things I need to, am I doing the things I should? Am I learning and growing? I like to believe that I am.
It is almost time to start aggressive chemo again. I can feel myself getting sicker as my tumor load grows. I am in pain and discomfort a lot. I am weary and bone tired, all day. It is hard to find energy to do even the most simple of things. More areas are hurting. My stomach hurts all the time, and I am not digesting food. It is just going straight through me. There are some concerning changes taking place along my mastectomy scar line. It is getting inflamed again, and bumpy lumpy and itchy, along with stinging pain. I think the start day for Taxol will be sooner rather than later. Probably August 19th. At least that is just right before school starts. Time for battle number 2. Hopefully it works effectively and quickly!!!
We are going to HOT HOT HOT St. George the beginning of next month. When it is that hot outside, swimming feels wonderful. I get a lot of relief from my bone pain by floating in the water. We also hope to see a Tuachan outdoor theater musical while we are down there. I am hoping for the Sound of Music. That was one of the first musicals I ever saw, and I love the music for it. Bekah is also hoping to get a lot of school clothes shopping done.
Well, this rambling post is all over the place, but it is 2:30 in the morning while I am typing this. Dan is gone to Scout camp with Blake so he isn't here to tell me to turn off the computer and go to sleep. I guess I probably ought to anyway!
So, if you are the praying type, please pray for the sisters in cancer who passed away, Andrea Collins (aka Punk Rock Mommy) and Kim Frankin (kimmie39) and their families. I know Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. We may not always get what we ask for, but we always get what is best for us. Because He loves us.
I took the kids to the park the other day, and I just had to share this picture of Ammon. My children bring me so much joy, and the little things like this are why I keep fighting my cancer. So I can be here for the big things, and also the simple little pleasures of life. Just had to share!!!
On a not so happy note..... Well, this is kind of hard to type... I hesitate to share this, but I know this is why all of you wonderful people check my blog for updates. Because you want to know how things are going. This wouldn't be an effective means of updating if I didn't share what is going on, right?
I talked to the doctor today when I had treatment, and they are concerned about the rising tumor markers. At first, they said maybe they would wait a month and then run the blood tests again, however, after the doctors discussed my situation, they decided that maybe it would be best to do some scans. They want to see what is going on, see if the cancer is growing, and check and see if it has spread anywhere else.
Regarding the tumor markers, I guess they have almost doubled in the last 3 1/2 months. They went from 28 in February to 51 in June. I asked the Dr. today if the rising tumor markers could be from something else, but she said, "In your case, probably not."
So, I will have a CT scan tomorrow, and a bone scan on Thursday. I am not sure when I will get the results. I was really hoping to not have to do tests again until after the summer, but I think it is better to know what is going on, rather than just worry and wonder.
The doctors said today that the treatment options are to first change my hormonal drug from Aromasin to something else. The other option is to start another chemotherapy drug. Dr. Hansen said that he would rather wait to start another chemo drug, because he doesn't want me to run out of treatment options too early.
I really don't know anything for sure right now. I am dreading the CT scan. Well, not exactly the test itself, but the prep for it. I hate drinking that barium sulfate. 2 big bottles of it. yech!!!! You know, the "berry smoothie" stuff. What is even worse, is that I had treatment today, and I really don't know how I am going to get that stuff down. I will just do my best.
I would appreciate all of the prayers and positive vibes you can give. I know that they help so much. I know that everything is going to be okay, and that whatever happens is part of Heavenly Father's plan. If we never experience pain, trials and sadness, we wouldn't appreciate the simple joys and happiness of life.
I am holding out hope that I don't have any new lesions, and that the rising tumor markers are just a fluke. A girl can hope, right?
One year ago today, I head the life altering words, "We believe you have a rare, very aggressive form of breast cancer called inflammatory breast cancer." For a moment, the world stood still. The next moment the world was a very different place.
The following days were a whirlwind of biopsies, bone scans, MRI's CT scans, and doctors appointments. This was followed by weeks of chemotherapy, more tests, more Doctors appointments. Throw in a couple of surgeries, and 6 weeks of radiation.
I can scarcely believe that it has been 365 days. Some days seemed like they would never end, I was so sick, and in so much pain. But the weeks flew by, as did the months. And now it has been a YEAR!!!!
But I survived! Although not alone. I know that I would have been unable to bear the burdens of this trial without help from all of my family and friends, priesthood blessings, and most importantly, my Savior.
So celebrate with me today! I challenge to look with new eyes at the world around you. Enjoy the beauty of spring, the flowers, the blossoms on the trees, the beautiful blue sky. Even when life is hard, it is still good. Count your blessings. Every breath is a gift. Every moment with your friends and family is precious. Smile and laugh, and enjoy life!!!!!!
 My boys
 My girls!
 My TEENAGER, Blake
 Silly moments that make me laugh.
 My sweet, sassy Abby.
 My sweetheart, Dan, who spoils me rotten.
 My little tornado, Ammon, who occasionally tires out.
 The beauty of nature.
 Being able to take my kids on "special nights" like my dad did when I was growing up. Each week I take 1 of my kids on an activity of their choice, so we can have 1 on one time. I am grateful that my dad did this for me, and glad that I am physically able to do things like take Caleb to the Dinosaur Park.
 This is a picture of me and Abby on her baptism day. I am so grateful that I am still here and was able to be here for that special day. I can't believe how time is flying by, and how well I am feeling. I just got my hair highlighted and I love the color and new cut. It is fun having short hair.
I had the privilege of speaking at the Baptism about the Holy Ghost. I thought I would share my talk here.
More than 20 years ago I turned 8 years old. I had a birthday party and received lots of gifts. I am sure that I received clothes, dolls, toys, and other fun things.
Because this was so long ago, I don't have any of the those gifts that I received when I was 8 years old. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember what gifts I received for my birthday that year. I have a hard time remembering what gifts I received last year! Even if I still had those gifts, the clothes would no longer fit me, or I wouldn't have much use for the toys and dolls.
The year I turned 8 years old I received another gift. I still have this gift, and I use it all the time. The gift I received was the gift of the Holy Ghost. Today after you are baptized you will also receive this most wonderful and precious gift.
In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin taught his people about the atonement of Christ, and receiving a remission, or forgiveness, from their sins. After they were taught about the atonement, they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men.
3 And it came to pass that after they had spoken these words the Spirit of the Lord came upon them, and they were filled with joy, having received a remission of their sins, and having peace of conscience, because of the exceeding faith which they had in Jesus Christ who should come, according to the dwords which king Benjamin had spoken unto them.
After you are baptized, you will also be receiving this remission from your sins, and you too will be filled with joy, just like the people of King Benjamin!
The Holy Ghost can be your constant companion. He will help you to know when things you learn in church are true, or when you read the scriptures that they are true. He will comfort you when you are sad or scared, He will warn you when you are making a bad choice, and help you to know when you are doing something that Heavenly Father would be pleased with. He will also help you to know when you have done something wrong, and help you feel the need to repent. The Holy Ghost has been described as a "still small voice". You have to listen carefully so you can hear his promptings. He doesn't whisper in your ear, but whispers in your heart.
A favorite scripture of mine that can help you remember this is found in Moroni 7:16.
16 For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.
When you are baptized you make a covenant, or two way promise, to Heavenly Father to always keep his commandments. In return you are promised to always have His spirit to be with you. You will be reminded of this promise each week when the sacrament is blessed. I encourage you to listen carefully during the sacrament prayers, because these will remind you what you have promised, and what Heavenly Father has promised you in return.
To keep the Holy Ghost as your constant companion, you need to be choosing the right. Sometimes when me make mistakes, or maybe aren't as good at reading our scriptures, or saying or prayers like we are supposed to, he may not stay with you all the time. But if you are faithful, and always TRY to keep the commandments, and repent when you make mistakes, you can always have his spirit to be with you.
In closing I would like to talk about the words to the Primary song, When Jesus Christ was baptized.
When Jesus Christ was baptized down in the river Jordan,
Three members of the God head were present there in love.
The father spoke from Heaven when Jesus Christ was baptized,
The Holy Ghost descended as gently as a dove.
Today when you are baptized, I am sure you and all of your friends and family members will feel the Holy Ghost, just like when Jesus was baptized. Heavenly Father is pleased with your decision to be baptized, and you will feel His love through this wonderful gift of the Holy Ghost. Remember this sweet feeling, and always try your best to keep the commandments so you can feel the Spirit with you always. I know the Holy Ghost is real. I have felt his presence in my life often, and I know you will as well.
To start off, thank you everyone for letting me know that you still check up on me, and enjoy reading my ramblings. I really appreciate all of your support!!!!
I had a really good week. My energy is finally starting to return, and I can actually go a whole day without having to take a nap. Of course, I over-do it for several days in a row, and then I crash for a day or so. I just need to have patience.  We had another birthday in the family last week. Abby turned 8. She wanted a Hannah Montana birthday party. Abby is a very friendly child, and so she invited 24 girls to her party. That was fine with me because I figured only half would come. Um, wrong. We ended up with 18 giggling, crazy, hyper, enthusiastic, energetic girls. It was very fun, but wore me right out. I had hoped for good weather that day, so we could have the party outside, but it was a cold windy day. So, we were stuck inside. Luckily my house was still standing after the party.
I gave a talk in church on Sunday about how hope in Christ can help us to have optimism. I am much more comfortable writing my feelings than speaking in public. I spent hours and hours preparing my talk, and then I just ended up blubbering for 10 minutes. When I sat down after my talk, I couldn't even remember what I had said. Several people told me they enjoyed my talk, though. The gist of my talk was that when times are hard, if we trust in Jesus Christ, we can have hope that everything will work out. All of our trials, and heartaches, are learning experiences. As we go through these trials, if we can have faith, we can receive the help we need to endure our trials well. Sometimes we bring our trials on ourselves, and sometimes they just happen (like getting cancer). That is the purpose of this life. If we never had sorrows or hard times, we wouldn't have joy or appreciate the good times.
I had my cancer treatments again today. It was a really long day at the hospital and I am exhausted. My stomach already is upset, and I feel lousy. But even though that is bad, my sister was kind enough to watch my boys today, my neighbor brought dinner tonight, and a friend is watching the little boys tomorrow so I can rest. And while I was at the hospital today, my house was cleaned top to bottom by another friend. So even though I don't enjoy feeling yucky, I am continually blessed by the help and support from friends and family. I couldn't do it without all of you!!!!!!!!!!!
I love to scrapbook, and I love scrapbook magazines. So, I faced a real dilemma when I got the notice that my Creating Keepsakes magazine subscription was about to expire. It was time to renew for another year. The thought that kept running through my mind was, "Will I be here for another year?" I've already beat the odds by having such a miraculous response to the chemo, and the cancer staying stable. Would I be tempting fate by assuming I would be alive for another year??? No one should have to think about that, but certainly not a 29 year old gal!
I threw caution to the wind, and not only renewed my subscription, but renewed it for 2 YEARS!!!!! I'm not going to live my life afraid of dying. I am going to be optimistic and assume I am going to be here for many, many years.
(And at least if I don't make it that long, I will have enjoyed the time I was here!)
 Easter 2008
I love Easter. I love spring. Usually when it is Easter the flowers are all blooming and it is beautiful, so I am sad that Easter is so early this year. I check my flowers outside every day and can't wait until they start blooming.
It is simply unbelievable that it has been 10 months since I was diagnosed with cancer, 5 months since I had my mastectomy and hysterectomy, and 2 months since I finished radiation. Time just keeps flying by. Everyday that I am here, and stable, is a blessing. I didn't know if I would live to see another spring, and I am so glad that I am still here.
We had a busy Saturday. We do all of our Easter Egg Hunts and parties on Saturday so we can focus on Jesus and the Resurrection on Sunday. Never before have I felt such a profoundly deep gratitude for the gift that Jesus gave to all of us. The promise of being resurrected as He was gives me so much hope. There have been several women who have passed away from breast cancer that I have gotten to know through the website breastcancer.org. It breaks my heart that they are separated from their loved ones, but I take comfort in my knowledge that families can be together forever. I wish that everyone could have that peace and comfort from that knowledge.
Happy Easter!
 Here I am holding my certificate of completion from the Radiation Oncology office. It says that I completed my course of radiation. Way cool. I hung it on my fridge like a report card, or a diploma!
 Here are my kids helping celebrate. We had IBC root beer!!!
As I was laying in bed last night, I had a very vivid memory come into my mind. I remembered that night a year ago, when I was surfing the internet trying to figure out what was wrong with my back, leg and knee. I had been having quite a bit of pain, and it was to the point that I couldn't lift 1 year old Ammon. I couldn't walk up the stairs without tons of effort and pain. I had been to see an orthopedic surgeon, and he told me he suspected I had a bulging disc in my back which was pinching on a nerve and causing my pain. A couple of weeks before that I had been to my OBGYN and had asked about my swelling and red breast. He had said that it was probably just scar tissue causing engorgement from milk in the ducts. So I decided to google that, and read about it, and that was when I first stumbled over the term inflammatory breast cancer. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I briefly allowed my mind to wander and imagine what would happen if I indeed had breast cancer. I thought about how hard it would be to go through treatment, and how hard it would be for my family. I told myself not to be silly and worry about something like that, and tried to put the worry out of my mind.
Now here I am, 8 months later, having successfully battled cancer. I just feel like dancing!!!! I am DONE with treatment. My mantra the last 8 months has been, I have to get through chemo, I have to get through surgery, I have to get through radiation. Now here I am, DONE. I got through it!!!!! I don't have this big obstacle to overcome in front of me anymore. I feel like I have finished a marathon. I never thought I would actually be able to do it, but here I am, DONE!!!! Did I mention I'm DONE!!!!!
Now, DONE is a theoretical term. I will have to take a pill daily, and receive an hour and a half IV infusion of Herceptin every 3 weeks, and a 30 minute IV infusion of Zometa monthly for the rest of my life. I will have to do these treatments to keep my cancer stable.
A lot of people have asked, so are you in remission now? The answer is that once you are stage 4 cancer with multiple metastases, there is no remission. No matter how well the treatments work, there are still going to be cancer cells left. My oncologist told me that remission translates to cure in people's minds, and stage 4 cancer is incurable. However it is treatable, with pretty good quality of life. I have a long ways to go to get my energy and strength (AND HAIR!!!!) back. I still have pain where the cancer damaged my bone, and I have a lot of healing to go from radiation. My quality of life is better now than it was a year ago. I hope to continue to get feeling even better, and have this period of "stable disease" (Which is how my onc defines my condition) for months and hopefully years. We have already seen so many miracles, I am sure that we can have a miracle of having no progression of cancer for a long, long, time.
Now all that being said, please know that there is no way in the world that we could've made it through all of this treatment and sickness without all of the help from our family, friends, and people we don't even know. All of the prayers, all of the service, all of the child care, all of the meals, kindnesses more than I can even count, have made it possible to endure our trial. Thank you again. I know I say it a lot, but I mean it. THANK YOU!!!!!!
I'm feeling better emotionally today. Not so down. Yesterday I had a triple dose of Herceptin, so once I finish my LAST 2 DAYS of radiation, I will have a couple weeks off from hospital and doctors visit. It just seems unreal that I am almost done with radiation. Yesterday I had 3 appointments at the hospital: A muga scan (where they make sure my heart is still functioning well enough to continue Herceptin) radiation, then my oncologist visit and herceptin infusion. Makes for a long day! I'm feeling quite tired and a little nauseated tonight. Hopefully it won't last too long. My kids had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner tonight!
I went to Kathy's funeral on Monday. Something one of the speakers said has really stuck with me and put things into perspective. He said, "Birth is not the beginning, and death is not the end." It was a beautiful uplifting service. I am so glad that Dan was able to go with me. The speakers said over and over how great Rick (Kathy's husband) took such good care of her, and you could say the same thing about Dan.
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