Amber Chase's Musings on Cancer and Life

I have kind of had a bad week.  I hate to complain when there are so many more out there that are so much worse off than I am. 

I have had a sinus infection this last week, and then on Wednesday night my eardrum ruptured.  Boy did that hurt.  My ear has been draining infection since then, and it is quite gross.  Loud noises (children) make it hurt more, so my sweet mother in law has taken the kids for the weekend.  I am just so worn out and dog tired from radiation, it is hard to have energy to do anything.  I hope to just rest and rejuvenate this weekend.  I only have 1 more week of radiation.  They will be doing what is called a boost this week, where they beam extra radiation along the mastectomy scar and where the tumor was.  25 treatments down, only 5 to go.  Almost done!!!  Then I will go in every 3 weeks for a triple dose of herceptin, instead of every week.  My life may be able to return to normal soon!!!!!!!!

Then I feel so guilty for feeling sorry for myself.  Last night we found out that a dear family friend, Kathy Blacker, passed away from esophageal cancer.  Dan and I went to visit her on Monday, and I am so glad we did.  We had such a good talk, and I am so glad I had the chance to give her a hug and tell her I love her.  She has been battling cancer for more than a year, and I would see her periodically at Dr. Hansen's office where we both were receiving Taxol.  Kathy was an amazing woman, and her attitude and strength was such a strength to me. She has been so sick for such a long time.  She hasn't been able to eat and had a feeding tube.  I am glad that her suffering is over, but my heart breaks for her family.  I pray that they find strength and comfort at this difficult time. 

I wonder sometimes, why chemo treatments work for some, and not for others.  There have now been 2 people that I know who were battling cancers at the same time as me who have passed on.  (plus there have been 2 others who I met at Dr.Hansen's office who were receiving treatment who have also died in the last couple of weeks.)  I have had such a miraculous response to all of my treatments.  I feel so guilty sometimes that the treatments have worked for me, and not for others.  I know it is not in our hands, and that everything happens for a reason, suffering and trials, but I am having a hard time shaking the guilt that I feel.  I know that it could be me someday, and I struggle with that thought.  My heart breaks at the thought of dying and leaving my family and friends.  I know that this life is not the end, and that there is an eternal life, but the separation from loved ones is never an easy thing. 

I just pray that those who have cause to suffer and mourn may find comfort.  I know we all have trials, and I hope that we can all help others bear their burdens, and show charity and love to those around us.

Here is a picture of how long my hair is now.  Picture taken Jan 6th, 2008

Let them eat cake!!!  A dear lady in our stake, Jean Davis, brings us dinner on Tuesdays after my treatment day.  This is the fabulous cake she made last week.  Yum!

If somebody offered to take away my cancer and all of my pain and misery and suffering, take me back to the day I was diagnosed, and have that event in my life never happen, would I take them up on that offer?  I would have a guarantee that I would never have to go through having cancer or dealing with cancer.  Would I take that offer and return my life to the way it used to be?  I know that some of us long for the way things used to be, I find myself so very often longing for things to be back to normal.

Well, my husband and I had a discussion this afternoon about this exact same subject.  Someone had asked him if he could take away my cancer, would he?  The answer was no, and here is why:

It has been a year of suffering and pain.  Months spent trying to find out why I felt so lousy, why I had so much pain, then me discovering IBC on IBC research website.  Being certain that that was exactly what I had, and yet going to 3 different doctors to get brushed off and told that it was nothing, or engourgement, or mastitis.  As I continued to get sicker, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sick to my stomach all the time, in pain all the time.  

By the time I was finally diagnosed, I was first RELIEVED to figure out what was wrong with me and I felt vindicated to know that it wasn't just all in my head, and that I wasn't overreacting, and that I wasn't a hypocondriac.

Final diagnosis, Inflammatory breast cancer stage 4, mets to the bones (Back, hip, pelivis, femur, ribs) and a spot of cancer on my lung.  Breast Tumor area is 9 inches around and 2 inches deep. (feels like a baseball in my breast)

I survived a 2 week whirlwind of tests and scans, biopsies and doctors visits.  Within a week of being diagnosed, I had my port placed and chemo started.

I have finished 17 treatments of Taxol & Herceptin.  I then had a modified radical mastectomy.  I had a hysterectomy with ovaries removed.  I am still on weekly Herceptin and monthly Zometa, and am currently doing radiation (5x a week for 6 weeks).  Not to mention surviving these treatments, then you have the joy of paying for those treatments.

I lost my hair, I lost my eyelashes, and eyebrows, I lost some weight (YEAH!), I lost a breast, I lost my sense of taste and smell (which isn't necessarily a bad thing when you have to change your 20 month's old son's diapers)  I tried not to loose my sense of humor, or my smile.  I had a lot more fun going shopping for cute jammies instead of cute clothes.  I seriously have more pj's than clothes in my closet now.

But lets take a minute here to talk about what I gained by having cancer

I gained an even closer, more loving, tender, relationship with my dear sweetheart, Dan.  To see him take a more active role in the teaching, and caretaking of the children,  To see him serve our family by doing dishes, washing laundry, all so  I can rest.  I know that even if my time here on earth is short, and if Dan has to take over my role in caring for our children, I KNOW he can do it, and he would be wonderful.

I feel a more profound and tender love for each of my children, and I have been able to see them step up and grow and help each other and me.  I have seen their faith grow as with their simple prayers praying that Heavenly Father will make their mother all better.   I take more delight in the simple things of reading a story with them, sitting and tickling their back, throwing a ball back and  forth, or playing cars.  There is more joy in the simple time we spend together.

There have been so many miracles wrought in our behalf. We have received countless hours of service from inspired friends and neighbors, who listened to promptings of the holy spirit, and filled a need for us without even being asked.  We have had so many friends and family help watching the kids with all of my doctors appointments, surguries, test days, and sick days.  Never once have we had an need that was not filled.  We are so humbled by all of those who are willing to serve us, even those who don't really know us, but know OF us that have served and helped us.  I had a small army of sisters come and clean my house from top to bottom.  AMAZING!!  The love that we feel from those that do that has brought such joy into our lives.  The donations that have been freely given to us to help with doctor bills, or for Christmas for our family, friends being willing to do all of our shopping and wrapping of presents.  Truly amazes me.  I can say thank you a million times, and it still couldn't adequately describe the gratitude that my family and I feel.  Saying Thank you just seems so trite, but I say it from the bottom of my heart, and hope those who have served and given feel that joy in their heart that comes from serving others.

So, even though this last year could be considered a year from hell, dealing with cancer and all of it's crap, this last year has been one of the best years of our lives.  The blessings we have received, the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father, our testimonies of Christ, has brought our family together stronger than ever before.  Old personality conflicts, once thought so deep and unsurrmountable, now have blossomed into precious, tender, friendships, where there once was jealousy and misunderstanding.  The new friends we have met and been able to share this journey with has been another precious outcome from dealing with cancer.  I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful gals who are also afflicted with this same disease.  I find such comfort from them, and hope I bring a little of that comfort to your lives.

I am truly blessed.  Not by having cancer, necessarily, but because of all of the wonderful things I have been able to see happen because I have cancer .  I believe things happen for a reason, and when bad things happen, we can choose to learn and grow from them, or we can retreat into ourselves and become bitter and unhappy.  I choose to grow and become what I am meant to become.  I hope one day that I will be able to share this knowledge with others and be able to make someone's load lighter, like what has happened to me and my family time and time again.

Thank you all for being a part of my life, and my journey.  I am so thankful for all of the love and prayers and support I receive.  I cherish the friendships that have been forged, and the knowledge that I have learned.

So, I think I just might say, that what could possibly be the worst year in ones life, I am going to say that this has been the best year in my life.  It is the best because I have never felt so loved, so looked out for, so richly blessed because of all those who step up and help and do so much more than we need, just because they want to help lighten our load.  I feel so blessed to live where we live, around good people who truly love their neighbors.

So, no, I won't trade my cancer.  Because I want to keep all of the precious experiences that have came into my life because of it.  

I just wanted to share Abby's (My 7 year old daughter) letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is my Mom to get all better from her cancer.  And I really want a paws off diary.  Cause I have wanted one for a really long time.  I want a really happy Christmas with my family.  I want a webkin too.
Sincerly,
Abby Chase
p.s. I've tried to be really good.

Doesn't that just bring tears to your eyes?  Well, I hope she gets what she wants for Christmas.  Dear Santa, I want to be all better from my cancer, too.  I've tried to be really good....

Today I thought I would share a day in the life of radiation treatment.  My appointment is at 6:45 am, so I have to leave between 5:45 and 6:00 depending on the weather.  I drive 25 miles to the hospital, park, walk in, go to the radiation oncology office, and change into a hospital gown.   Then because I am the first appointment of the day, the tech usually takes me right back to the machine.  I lay on this hard table with my arms in these brackets, and this big machine, kind of like an x-ray machine, moves above and radiates the different treatment areas. They are radiating from my collar bone to bottom of rib cage, and from my sternum to armpit.  The treatment takes about 15 minutes.  Then I change and drive home.  The whole process takes about 2 hours.  I do this Monday-Friday, for 6 weeks. 

So far so good, no real side effects to report.  I am a little stiff and sore from laying on that hard table, and having my arms stretched up hurts the muscles from the mastectomy side, but that is all.  The Dr. said it would be a couple of weeks before I should feel any side effects. 

I can't believe Christmas is in 2 weeks.  I haven't wrapped any presents or done any shopping.  It feels really weird.  At least it snowed on Friday, so it FEELS and LOOKS like Christmas.  I love listening to Christmas music and enjoying my festive house.   It has been nice to just enjoy the Christmas season without all of the stress of running around everywhere. 

I need to share one more experience that happened last week.

A group of wonderful women, angels, came over to my house on Thursday to watch my 2 little ones and do "a little cleaning."  They arranged for me to go shopping with friends and out to lunch.  It was so fun to get out of the house with the girls and laugh and shop. 

Then, when I got home, my house had been totally cleaned, DEEP cleaned, from top to bottom.  All of these projects that probably haven't been done 6 months, they took care of in the 5 hours I was gone.  Bathrooms scrubbed, fridge inside and out cleaned, floors cleaned, blinds washed, vacuumed all of the corners and behind furniture.  Windows washed, furniture dusted, front porch swept, walls washed, kids rooms cleaned and organized and beds made, laundry washed and folded, dinner prepared....  AMAZING!!!  I just walked around all the house and cried after they left.  The house looked SO GOOD!!!!!  Then they had someone come and clean the carpets on Friday.  Words can not express how grateful we are.  I have been so discouraged because I can't do deep cleaning.  After being tired and sick and sore, I am physically unable to do so many things I would like to do.  It is just amazing the service that was shown to me and my family.  (Now if I can only get my kids to keep it clean for longer than an hour!!!!!)


We are truly blessed.  I am so grateful for people who listen to the spirit, and are so willing to serve and follow Christ's example. 

Sorry I haven't posted an update.  I have been feeling great and been busy doing life as normal, and I haven't taken time to post.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Ours was great!!!!  Everything tasted so yummy and I was so glad that I was able to eat without getting sick.  Dan and I went out shopping the day after Thanksgiving.  We didn't go out until 8 am, and it was fun to shop and get some good deals.

Over the weekend we got the house all decked out for the holidays.  Lights everywhere inside and out.  Abby (our 7 year old) said that she thinks we have the best looking house anywhere.  The magic is so fun with little kids. At first I thought I didn't want to bother with all of the work of getting all of the decorations out, but I am so glad that we did.  It really puts you in the Christmas spirit so see all of the twinkling lights and the nativity, and the tree, and garlands.  So beautiful!

We went with my family down to Salt Lake City to see the lights at Temple Square.  It was so pretty.  My favorite part is when you go in the visitors center and walk up the ramp and see the statue of Christ.  It was hard not thinking about the possibility that I will be making that journey after this life sooner rather than later.  It was wonderful to think about being in His presence again.  I love this time of year when we celebrate Jesus' birth and life and mission. 

Well I went to visit the radiation Oncologist today.  He said I will need about 25 treatments.  So once a day for 5 weeks.  It is better than 6 weeks!  He won't be doing radiation to my hip and pelvis at this time, but he will try to extend the treatment field to radiate my sternum (which had cancer)  I go in for my simulation and tattoos tomorrow morning.

I am really tired today after being so busy for so many days. My brain thinks I want to and can do everything, but my body says "Slow down!!!  I'm exhausted."   It is hard to find a balance.   I can't wait until I am done with treatment, and life can go back to normal.  

6 months ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Wow.  I can't believe it has been that long. The days have drug on, but the weeks have flown by.  I have grown so much during this time, and learned so much.  It has been such a humbling and terrifying experience battling breast cancer.  I heard a quote the other day.  It was, Sometimes when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness, they begin to die.  Sometimes, they begin to live.  I can tell you that is SO true.  I try to live each day to the fullest, and be grateful for each day.
   It has been a really long week.  My kids have been sick with the stomach flu.   I have cleaned up so much throw up, I just can't wait for everyone to be healthy.  Luckily I haven't got it.
   I am continuing to recover from surgery.  Every day is better and better. I am still really tired and worn out (but that is also in part because I have been up with sick kids every night).  I can't wait until I feel "normal" again.  Whatever that ends up being!

Just a quick update.  I had my last treatment of Taxol this last Tuesday and a triple dose of Herceptin.  My Oncologist said, "It looks like you got the miracle you were hoping and praying for."  He said it is remarkable how much the cancer has shrunk. He doesn't think that I will need to have radiation following my mastectomy.  He said I will still need to consult with the radiation oncologist, but I am THRILLED with the thought of not having to do radiation.   I just need to get through surgery and then hopefully I will be officially on the road to recovery.  I will still have a triple dose of herceptin every 3 weeks, but the side effects shouldn't be too bad. We hope that with the continued Herceptin, I will be able to be in remission for years. 

My mastectomy surgery is scheduled for Thursday Oct. 25th.  All of your prayers that everything will go okay are very much appreciated.  It is everyone's  prayers and faith that has buoyed us up through this whole trial! 

Saturday I was able to attend a Horizon of Hope luncheon thanks to Shauna and Drew Weidman.  Dan is friends with Drew and referees football with him.  They generously sponsored me to be able to attend.  The speakers at this event were incredible, and really gave me so much strength and hope from listening to them speak.  I also received a beautiful basket with goodies and a flower arrangement.  I feel so humbled by how much the Lord blesses me and shows His tender mercies through the selfless giving and service of others. 

It was a beautiful day on Sunday.  Perfect fall weather, and beautiful fall leaves changing colors.  I went for a walk with my kids, and even though I am pretty slow, it was wonderful to get out and enjoy this beautiful earth that we live in.

I am feeling great today.  I feel better on my good days than I felt for months before I started treatments.  Now if I can only get through surgery!  I am really scared of that, and can't wait until it is over and done with.  My surgery should be in the next couple of weeks, and as soon as I have a date scheduled for sure, I will let everyone know.  I can't believe another week has passed.  The days drag on (especially when I am feeling lousy from chemo) but the weeks fly by! 

A man who lives in Willard named Don Tuft surprised us with a beautiful framed painting of the San Diego temple today.  He painted it especially for us!  We were so awed by his kindness!  He said that he knows we are going through a hard time, but hopes that this painting will help us keep things in an eternal perspective.  We are continually in awe of all the kindness and service that is shown to us.  I think that if everyone everywhere would show this kind of love and charity to all this world would be a better place.

I think this website is kind of turning into a gratitude journal.  I am so grateful and thankful to everyone for their loves, prayers, support, and kindnesses, whether great or small.  YOU each make the difference of brightening my day and making it possible for our family to get through this trial well. 

  A little more than week ago I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  With subsequent tests they have found that it is Stage 4 because it has spread to my bones and a tiny spot on my lung.  I feel so blessed because of all of the inspiration and actions of others that hastened my diagnosis and got me in the care of Doctors who can heal me.   Heavenly Father was truly looking out for me and guiding me to get the help I need.  I have felt the love and concern of sisters in the gospel who I have never met before, but who listened to the promptings of the Spirit to get me the help that I need.

          My doctor says that I have an excellent chance of going into remission.  I will have 4-6 months of Chemotherapy, followed by a Mastectomy and then Radiation.  My family and I have a long hard road ahead of us.  A friend of ours quoted a scripture to us that says, “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”  (1 Nephi 11:17)

          I don’t understand why I have been given this trial, but I do know that my Savior will be there every step of the way to help me and my family get through this. I have already felt His love and His strength as I have gone through the many tests and biopsies. I have felt so blessed by the priesthood blessings that I have received.   Through the Atonement, my Savior has already been through the pain and sorrow of this, and he will strengthen me so I can bear this trial, and not only get through it, but get through it well.

          I had my Portacath placed on Thursday May 17th.  I was sad that night because I knew that this whole long road of chemo and surgery had begun, and it was really real, and there was no going back.  Life was different from now on.  I felt quite heavy hearted. 

          The next morning while I was lying on the couch in pain and miserable from my surgery the day before, there was a knock on the door.   My mom answered the door and was told by the sister there that there would be a couple of people working in the flower beds for a while, so if we looked outside and saw people in the yard, that is what was going on.   A little while later when I looked out the window, I was amazed by the army of women (and a few men) working to transform my yard.   There were more people than I could count!   They were there for hours, and then later even more people came and brought bark and spread it around all of the flower beds.  We will never be able to express how grateful we are!!!  Thank you to everyone who helped!  

          Even in the midst of this terrible trial, I have never felt more loved or more blessed!  That so many would give of their time to make my flower beds more beautiful than they have been in ages, I feel so humbled!   Thank you so much!  Dan has been so worried about the yard with the shift of household responsibilities to him.  You have lifted his burden so much!  Words seem so trite, but we are so grateful!
          We are amazed at the outpouring of love we have felt from the phone calls, meals already brought, and all of the offers of help.   It makes me think of the scripture Mosiah 24:14-15 “14. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.  

“15. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid… were made light; yea the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”

          There have been so many stories of afflictions and trials that people have suffered through in the scriptures and church history.  My trial is so much easier that what so many others have gone through.  I don’t know why, but I know that Heavenly Father does, and that this is His plan, and that he will cause many more wonderful things to happen through this trial.  I pray that I can be an example and that someday I will be able to serve others the way that others have so unselfishly been serving me and my family.  Thank you so much once again for all of your prayers and kindnesses.  We love you all and are so grateful!